Hustlers are currently raising the alarm with the Liquor Licensing Board, asking them to investigate why many of the Kenya Kwanza election promises that were as clear as water are now slowly turning into wine.
In their long list of exhibits is the latest case of the Hustler Fund, which was supposed to be a grant but has now been turned into a loan with interest that gives birth faster than my grandmother’s cat.
They want to understand why government officials who don’t drink alcohol have suddenly embraced preaching water and drinking wine. They’d love to know whether it has to do with the water at State House and if they could be of help before the situation turns ungodly.
When Hustlers went to the polls slightly more than two months ago, they were convinced that only a government that loves the church and looks at alcohol with bad eyes will be sober enough to pull them out of the financial trench the previous government had pushed them into. They spent five suffering years waiting for Jesus to return; instead, Kenya Kwanza came and promised them heaven, and for a moment it looked exactly the same.
However, shaming the devil in the polls was supposed to bring them tears of joy, and for a moment the celebratory brag came with a happy bounce. Only for the rain to start beating again, making the objects in the mirror look closer than they never used to. Hustlers are now asking why they’re being played before the World Cup even begins, but there’s no one in the government to explain in diagrams since the CBC task force is yet to submit their report.
The Hustlers Fund was a brilliant move by a bottom-up government to excite voters to renew their vows with the ballot box. They fashioned it into a revolutionary financial solution to get hustlers out of financial jail from punitive mobile money lenders who ask for your liver when you default on repayment terms.
When the first idea of the Fund was mooted at a campaign rally before the polls, all those who had lost their livelihoods during the difficult Covid-19 era rose up to walk again as it sounded exactly like the financial healing they had been waiting for from above. When they heard there would be a government that would give them money to start a business without asking for interest and other restrictive application terms, they asked those people to come for their votes for free.
Turns out freedom has now come at a price to those who had thought it would fall from heaven like the manna they were promised during the flowery campaign period. We live in a country where false election promises don’t amount to voter bribery; and even if it did and you were dragged to the courts, your tribe would be on standby to assign a fork-tongued politician to issue threats whenever the Government attempts to pinch your long mouth.
Hustlers are now wondering what became of the Fund that was supposed to be Sharia-compliant. On top of converting the Fund into a loan, interest will now be levied at 8% per year, with the amount awarded depending on the borrower’s credit score. Individuals with poor credit scores will be charged higher interest and face penalties. If you’re not careful, you might end up in jail for singing freedom has come to those who applied for it.
Cash-strapped hustlers will have to contend with being deducted an amount at source to go towards their savings. With a depressed economy and the escalating cost of living, hustlers are saying they won’t mind going to jail for defaulting on the repayment plan, since Riggy G already promised all hustlers not to worry because freedom is here.
