The hustler government wishes to send a message of empathy to all victims of the Athi River property demolitions who have been sleeping in the cold since President William Ruto flew away to China as bulldozers were lining up on the tarmac to wave him goodbye.
As a God fearing government that campaigned on the promise of returning Kenya back to the body of Christ, we wish to assure all hustlers whose homes have been restored to factory settings that the hustler government will not rest until we bring Benny Hinn to pray for them in six months’ time, which is historic.
As we wait for the honest men and prayerful women to setup their altar, we have since instructed the Directorate of Criminal Investigations (DCI) to move in with the speed of a Subaru Outback to establish a desk at the crash site full with absorbent towels and disposable handkerchiefs to soak in the tears from property owners who have been asking why the God of hustlers abandoned them immediately the Bible came down at the Kasarani Stadium one year ago.
The government would have erected the help desk earlier before the dam of tears broke its banks had we not have been busy helping other world leaders issue conflicting statements on the current standoff along the Gaza strip.
Those coming to the DCI help desk at Mavoko are, therefore, advised not to inquire how much the officers manning those desks will be paid as hardship allowance to compensate them for listening to sob stories and taking the heat that is meant for our God chosen president.
This is a public service announcement to all hustlers affected by the Mavoko demolitions to report to the Athi River Police Station with evidence that can help in the arrest of those whom they conspired with to steal the land belonging to East Africa Portland Cement (EAPC) Company.
While the hustler government can neither confirm nor deny that those presenting their fake title deeds will be treated as accomplices to a land fraud investigation, we wish to assure those who have shares in the hustler government that the investigating officers might look at them with easy eyes.
Additionally, we wish to clarify that our current intervention in your predicament should not be confused with all previous attempts by our officers attached to Mavoko some of whom have also been summoned to come to our offices to prove wrong those accusing us of conducting a public relations cleanup because due to the current increase in basic food items, it would be costlier to splash an egg on our faces than to cook it for your children and save them from kwashiorkor.
Despite previous distress calls by affected land buyers inquiring from our offices on the legitimate ownership before they considered investing on the parcels, we decided to act after the damage had been done because our officers had been busy driving around in tinted Subaru Outback looking for those whose faces were not made in the image of government shareholders, particularly those making anti-government noise on social media.
Had we known earlier that this East African Portland Cement land matter was going to blow up on our faces, we would have planted narcotic and psychotropic substances in the homes of those hustlers occupying the land in Mavoko and threatened them with bad things if they did not allow us to search their premises for small arms and light weapons to be used during anti-government demos. That way, the public would’ve believed us if we told them that the homes in Athi River deserved to be brought down because they were being used as drug dens.
The hustler government wishes to take this earliest opportunity to inform all hustlers affected by the crackdown, that we now have credible information that some of the individuals being evicted from the land are innocent buyers whose only crime was to fall victim to fraudsters. When we promised that the hustler government would restore the level of trust among Kenyans in order to restore the African culture back to where our founding fathers left it, this is precisely what we meant.
We wish to thank all Athi River property owners who still believe in the frailty of the human spirit to make mistakes and learn from them. We ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, because the vision of the hustler government is to prepare all hustlers to repent and come back to the Lord as we await for Jesus to take us to heaven to go occupy the affordable housing projects that he promised to build for us when he gets there 2023 years ago.
As the victims come forward to record witness statements we wish to assure all hustlers that information received would be treated with the utmost confidentiality and the data kept inside an impregnable vault.
The hustler government also wishes to assure all the hustlers who shall provide us with sensitive documents pointing to fraud that happened on the disputed parcel of land, that we shall keep the evidence inside a fireproof drawer to prevent our officers coveting their neighbours’ properties against the teachings of the Holy Book.
Like we have done before with cases of similar kind, all whistleblowers will have their identities protected, the evidence will not be used by the investigative agencies to negotiate for a cut from the swindlers in exchange for protection, neither will our officers use the ownership documents to visit the lands office ourselves to torture the papers well enough for them to change the names on their faces to those of friends and relatives of the officers at the heart of the investigations. The hustler government is against land grabbing of all forms, and anyone doubting us should visit the Kenya National Archives because our record on this matter speaks for itself.
