This coming week marks 100 days since President William Ruto lifted the Bible and instructed all hustlers to open their eyes and watch him perform miracles.
Those who don’t believe in God are being reminded to check with their church leaders, as they may have been left behind while hustlers were being taken to the Promised Land.
Our sincere appreciation goes to MPs for speedily approving for appointment all the hustlers who came before them despite some of them having challenges with reading and writing.
If you see hustlers celebrating the fulfilment of our 100 days promises, it’s because they can now start owning homes in the leafy suburbs that were previously only a preserve of children of dynasty.
On the subject of lowering food prices, we’d like to inform all hustlers that when we got into office, we found those who did not vote for us were the ones who had been standing in the way of food prices and other essential commodity items from coming down.
While we had promised that we shall not be a government of revenge, anyone who discourages the price of maize flour from coming down had to be assisted to come down themselves.
As such, hustlers have been urged to bear with us as we finalise the process of removing the four IEBC commissioners who never supported us during the last elections. Once we have brought them down, the prices of basic commodities will automatically follow them.
We have taken these Constitutional steps because we believe bringing down those who frustrate the cost of living takes collective effort.
Unlike our competitors who had no room for tolerance when dealing with issues of national concern, the Kenya Kwanza government shall give opportunities to all stumbling blocks to leave the scene gracefully, because we are cool like that.
On the small matter of the Hustler Fund, the record is there for everyone to see. Those accusing us of lying to hustlers that there would be no interest charged should tell us when the last time they ate food without salt was. The Bible says we are the salt of the earth and we have no choice but to add it to the promises that we make to our people, because adding salt should be our daily bread.
In the history of Kenya, there has never been a government as democratic as the Kenya Kwanza government. Those accusing us of weakening the opposition by poaching their members are urged to familiarise themselves with the Kenya Wildlife Service Act.
We’re asking our competitors to apologise to their MPs for insinuating that they’re wild animals to be poached; and to thank us for laying down mechanisms for them to speak to us direct without cutting through the corners.
When it comes to giving back Kenyans the constitutional freedoms they lost during the previous regime, the Kenya Kwanza government is proud to announce that hustlers no longer have to call their loved ones on WhatsApp for fear of government intimidation and professional witch hunt. You can now freely open up to your spouses on the number of families you have been keeping in secret without being judged, because we are a Government of honest men and prayerful women.
As we finish, we’d like to thank the Council of Governors for reminding us to honour our pledge of releasing County Funds within the first 15 days of every month. The Kenya Kwanza Government supports all Governors asking for money to organise homecoming parties to thank God for beating their opponents in the last election. We, however, would like to remind them that when the Bible instructed all believers to pray without ceasing they were categorical to whom the prayers should be directed to. If they’re in doubt, they should call the Ministry of Repentance and Holiness.
