The Finance Bill 2023 is inspired by God, and all hustlers should support it
Kenyan currency notes of different denominations. The Finance Bill 2023 is the collective result of a nationwide public participation process that involved all hustlers, from the bottom of the State House kiosk up to the first-class air ticket.
The Hustler government wishes to remind those who are crying out that there is a scheme to kill them with taxes to repent and come back to the Lord because the Bible says no one has power over anyone’s life except God, who elected this government.
The Finance Bill 2023 is the collective result of a nationwide public participation process that involved all hustlers, from the bottom of the State House kiosk up to the first-class air ticket. For six months now, we in the hustler government have been asking ourselves how best we can remind all Kenyans to be thankful to God for the gift of life that they have been taking for granted.
We can no longer allow the devil to continue taking credit for the financial success of hardworking Kenyans. The only way to return Kenya to the Lord is by charging them an extra amount for the free things they have been taking for granted.
So far, the plan seems to be working as per the doctor’s prescription. What may look like public discontentment arising from the proposed tax measure is, in effect, a blessing for State House intercessors, who will have to be retained on the payroll to keep praying for the servants of the Lord not to lose their authority over the flock whom God instructed them to watch over.
Today, the hustler government needs more prayer warriors with direct access to the heaven hotline to intervene in the escalating state of despair that has adversely affected hustlers across all cadres. For this reason, the hustler government has proposed to increase taxes beyond the reach of ordinary hustlers for them to quit their jobs and join government shareholders in praying for the country.
In addition, the proposed taxes on wigs, false beards, eyebrows, eyelashes, artificial nails and human hair will ensure that we restore honour and dignity to God’s creation.
Pagans who don’t believe in the first-hand account on the origins of life, as told in the Book of Genesis, should not be encouraged to intoxicate the minds of our innocent children by encouraging the altering of God’s creation through the promotion of cosmetic products.
The hustler government encourages our women to remain in their natural state as modelled by the Master Potter Himself. Indeed, as the Book of Isaiah 64:8 reminds us, “yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand”.
Knowing what the Scripture says about altering the creation of God, it would be unwise for any government not to spread the Gospel to all hustlers across all nations. One of the hustler government’s campaign promises was to return the fear of the Lord in the day-to-day life of ordinary citizens.
The proposal by the hustler government to run dealers of cosmetic products out of business is all meant to be to the glory of God.
There is also this proposal to amend the Employment Act of 2007 to require employers to contribute to the National Housing Development Fund for each of their employees. The hustler government still does not understand why anyone would oppose such a move to eradicate slum areas and build decent living quarters for those who want to see how God works in miraculous ways.
Pocket change
For starters, the three per cent we are asking salaried employees to put into the Housing Fund is pocket change for hustlers who usually spend more on drinking things made from the hands of man.
We had initially earmarked this deduction for civil servants only, but State House intercessors reported to us that they had received a vision from God in a dream to include all employees, saying God was not happy at the amount of money Kenyans waste on alcohol and other illicit fluids.
This initiative to help Kenyans reduce their alcohol intake and save for a roof over their heads will go a long way in nurturing a sober, virtuous and God-fearing nation as outlined in our manifesto. You voted for us to return Kenya to Christ, we promise to do that in six months’ time, which is historic.
Having convinced all hustlers to support the Finance Bill 2023 because it is inspired by God, we, therefore, wish to make some clarifications.
Members of the hustler nation asking whether these proposed taxes are only going to be levied on those who are non-UDA shareholders, should be reminded this government became theirs the moment the Bible came down inside the Kasarani Stadium on September 13, 2022.
As such, all UDA shareholders must, as a matter of priority, seek to defend this government from agents of the devil who seek to discredit it from within and without. We should not remind hustlers that it is to their benefit that this government survives, because if it doesn’t; those who don’t believe in God will take over the running of this country and take it to the devil.
We take this earliest opportunity to urge all our supporters not to contemplate sleeping even for a wink. You must stay all day and night with oil in your lamps as you wait for the hustler government to return with government goodies; even if it means fasting in the forest, selling all your earthly possessions to finance the office of the spouses of government officials, and withdrawing your children from schools where they are taught how to criticise the government.
In any case, it is you, the hustlers, who made this government a reality, and you must shame those children of dynasties who thought you will never get to positions of power in your lifetime.
Therefore, any hustler questioning whether God’s government can prudently utilise their taxes must be reminded that this kind of talk borders on sacrilege. The Bible, in Mark 12:17, commands all hustlers to give back to Caesar what belongs to Caesar.
There is nowhere the Bible instructs anyone to monitor how Caesar will use our taxes. Hustlers are, therefore, warned against putting words in the mouth of God to justify the rhetoric being advanced by non-believers.
During this time when we are fighting the mushrooming of cults, any hustler found corrupting Bible verses will have their premises visited by the religious police to explain in diagrams why we should not have their social media accounts deactivated.
