The hustler government wishes to inform all Kenyans that we are still coming to terms with the events that happened on Wednesday this week, where hungry hustlers marched to the upper streets of Nairobi to ask flower pots why they were happy when everyone is suffering from the high cost of living; and of the police who rushed to the scene to save the situation only to end up saving themselves from running a marathon they had not prepared for.
We also take this earliest opportunity to apologise to the Board of Management of Kihumbuini Primary School in Dagoretti South constituency, for using their school as a lab to test the ability of children’s lungs to withstand our latest variety of flavoured teargas.
We wish to clarify that this teargas lab test was not an extension of the one our police officers carried out at Langata Primary School in January 2015.
On behalf of the hustler government and all our business subsidiaries, we wish to ask all Kenyans not to be afraid when they encounter our police officers throwing teargas in their neighbourhood. This slight discomfort in breathing acrid air cannot be compared with the permanent relief that comes with fumigating our homes.
The national pest control bureau is keen to see all forms of vermin and rodents evicted from all areas of human habitation in line with the Kenya Kwanza promise of making Kenya food secure in six months’ time, which is historic.
The weekly security briefing also covered the small matter of protesters chanting “Ruto Must Go” while waving twigs of unequivocal support in the air. We wish to inform all our supporters that your favourite God-fearing president has heard you loud and clear, and has taken your advice not to come to the streets to listen to your grievances but, instead, go to the soundproofed walls of State House where there is no irritating stench of burning rubber and stinging teargas smoke to choke him. Indeed, “Ruto Must Go” to State House where he belongs.
We cannot thank our supporters enough for watching out for the health of our hustler president who helped them shame children of dynasty at the ballot. While we may not have fulfilled all your heart’s desires during the short stay we have had in office, we would love to remind all our supporters that the Bible instructs them to exercise patience for good things only come to those who wait upon the Lord, who promised to send his Son to return to judge the living and the dead, and His Kingdom will have no end.
Since Thursday, the hustler government in conjunction with our hawk-eyed intelligence agencies, has been collecting all video and photographic evidence from Wednesday’s mayhem and analyzing them with a view of identifying the sponsors of the violence and their children.
We have also been scanning the CCTV footages from the scenes of Wednesday crime with the main objective of locating our political competitors who hate it that God loves us so much that He chose us over them during the last elections. But since we have found no evidence of their involvement in the mayhem, we will have to ask State House intercessors to go into a room and speak in tongues, and only come out once they’ve agreed to join the hustler government in blaming our enemies for our depreciation in popular support among the general public.
While we owe it to the evangelical Christian community for carrying the hustler government on their backs when we were bereft of institutional legitimacy and personal integrity, we can neither confirm nor deny that we have repaid your spiritual solidarity in full and expect total support for this act of altruistic reciprocity.
As a consequence to our generosity, any spiritual leader who has benefited from monthly government goodwill and will attempt to contradict the official hustler government statements on these demonstrations, will have themselves to blame once we dry up the taps and they’re forced to face auctioneers with word of mouth.
During these tough economic times when the government is making painful economic decisions, we are not averse to cutting off our former friends who have shown signs of going back to their conscience and speaking truth to power as their spiritual calling demands of them.
Only those who will choose friendship over their inner voice will be guaranteed a favourable State House harvest during the August season, because even the Bible advises us in Galatians 6:7 that you shall reap what you sow, and since we are a Godly government founded on the principles of strict adherence to the holy scriptures, we will implement the directives to the letter.
We hope all our supporters will heed the government’s clarion call and stay out of the streets from the rogue officers we have unleashed to use live bullets to answer those asking them tough questions they were not taught in police training school.
Anyone who feels they are more educated than our police as to demand for their right to better living conditions, should know that there’s only one Central Organization of Trade Unions (COTU) and it has instructed all labour unions to stay at home and not oppose the government.
If you feel you know more about fair labour practices than the man who was COTU Secretary General even before you were born, then we are left with no objection other than to admit that witchcraft is real.
If you have to die for your favourite president to live, please do so in late 2027 after re-electing us into office because that’s the only way we shall know that you love the hustler government more than Christ loves the church.
