Two sides of the same coin? Don’t lose your twins' individuality, independence and bond

Gladwell Aketch had always wanted to have two kids. But she had never anticipated that she would have them at a go. “When I went for my clinical scan in the second trimester, the doctor informed me that I was carrying multiples,” says the 38-year-old mother of identical twins. “I was thrilled. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy to raise them as toddlers, but I couldn’t wait to have them grow from their infancy to bubbly babies,” she says.

Gladwell began making preparations for her twins’ arrival. She bought matching clothes, matching shoes, and matching beds. “Everything from the pack of diapers to their baby feeders was identical,” says Aketch. She delivered her twins on February 20, 2016, through cesarean section. Since then, her sons have always worn matching clothes and played with matching toys. “I make sure that I buy the same flavor and brand when I shop for their yogurt, ice cream, juice, and candies,” she says. Her sons have adapted to their identity. They behave in a similar manner, share a similar identity, and almost speak the same way. “Their teachers can hardly distinguish their handwritings,” says Gladwell.

According to child therapist Nancy Nduta, twins who match in everything may become overly interdependent which could lead to the loss of their individual identities. “While it is proper to nurture the special bond that twins share, it is risky for them because too much inter-dependence will hamper their individual development and identity,” she says. Naming twins with rhyming alliterative names, dressing them in the same matching clothes, and referring to them using twin nick-names will hamper their individuality. This is a ripple effect that Gladwell has observed in her twins who are unable to do things on their own, including play or eating. “They do things together. If one isn’t eating, the other will not eat as well. If one isn’t in the mood for play, then the other won’t get excited about play,” she says.

According to Dr. Barbara Klein, a psychologist and the author of New Understandings of Twin Relationships, when a parent treats twins as copies of each other, it creates interdependence and developmental arrests. “Twins who do not get adequate individual attention will mostly remain entwined and dependent on each other throughout their lives,” she says. The eventuality could be worse. “Either of the twins may end up longing for the childhood they once enjoyed. And since such closeness is no longer tenable, the twins may become resentful and disappointed in each other,” says Dr. Klein.

While it may be impossible for a parent not to compare their twins, it is detrimental to label them. “Do not label one of your twins as smart, or friendly or dumb, or naughty in contrast with the other even if you identify with their traits or consider their character unhealthy,” she says. In addition, by assigning labels and tags, you place unrealistic expectations on both of them while undermining their relationship. This is echoed by Dr. Klein who reckons that the relationship and attachment between twins are deeper than that of ordinary siblings. “Nurturing the individuality of each child should be accompanied by sensitivity towards the bond they share. For instance, expecting that twins can easily be independent of one another in infancy through early childhood will only put unhealthy and unrealistic pressure on the children,” says Dr. Klein. 

Some parents have managed to raise well-connected but independent twins.

Gloria Mueni is one of these. “I allowed each of my twins to be themselves. I enrolled them in different sports, and encouraged them to have separate friends,” she says. She spends time with each of her twins, listening to their life experiences and feelings, ideas, interests, and the events they like. “I realised they are both unique even though they are identical in looks, and share many traits and interests,” she says. 

What to do

This raises the question of what to do in order to raise twins with a balance of individuality, independence and nurture their twin connection. Nancy says that there are tips you can use to raise independent twins, and, or help your twins form their individual identities.

Praise: When praising, do not compare one with the other. If one has scored 90 points and the other 60 points in a math contest, do not use their performance as a catalyst to get the weaker twin to study harder. Praise them individually and on their own merit. This will help them feel confident in their own abilities while assuring them that you see them as individuals.

Support privacy: Encourage privacy by allocating them separate rooms. Bear in mind that your twins are likely to spend a lot of time together and therefore will need room to foster independent thoughts without influence from the other. Encourage them to decorate their rooms individually as they like. If separate rooms are unaffordable, get them different beds, preferably on each side of the room. If they use double-decker beds, encourage them to choose their beddings.

Dress them differently: Resist the temptation to dress them alike because it will hinder any shooting buds of individuality. You may use similar colours in their clothing, or themed clothes. But keep in mind that dressing differently will foster a lifestyle of their own and allow them to show their distinct personalities.

Identify their individual interests and hobbies: To do this you could visit a library or a bookstore with each and have them select books that interest them. You may also do some shopping to see what things are of interest to either of the twins. Once you have established their interests, always remember to buy them gifts that are aligned with those interests.

Name them uniquely: Try and find names that symbolise their uniqueness. Remember that by giving them rhyming or alliterating names, you will encourage them and other people to see them as a single unit rather than separate individuals.