Should you introduce adult toys in your relationship?

The days when adult toys were sold in secrecy are long gone. Today, you can buy adult toys on Facebook shops or on eCommerce websites such as Jumia. While adult toys were previously commonly used by singletons for self-pleasure or couples in non-heterosexual relationships, more straight couples are now introducing them to their love life.

Improved satisfaction

According to Grace Kariuki, a relationship and family therapist based in Nairobi, sex toys can bring improved and more satisfying sexual experiences in intimate relationships. Where a couple has openly discussed and agreed on using sex toys, the relationship is more likely to experience improved and effective intimate communication. “Discussing sex toys can be uncomfortable. But once the first talk has taken place, each partner will be empowered to express their desires,” she says.

The ‘Why?’

When introducing sex toys in your relationship, your reasons and desires must be clear and comprehensible to your partner. A big percentage of women are unable to achieve orgasm through penetration and require clitoral stimulation or the stimulation of the G spot.  You can use this as the entry point into the discussion. However, the introduction of sex toys should never be because of laziness or feelings of helplessness, that one partner isn’t able to bring the other to full sexual satisfaction. According to Katherine Schreiber, a psychologist and author of The Truth About Exercise Addiction, men who have used vibrators with their partners out of their own volition to improve their partners’ sexual enjoyment or out of a partner’s suggestion, will often feel sexually underwhelmed. It is important to remember that men in intimate relationships thrive when their desirability and sexual prowess are regularly validated. There are couples who may get hooked on sex toys or discard them altogether after their first experiences. There are also those who may consider them a viable spice to their sex life. Be psychologically prepared for either of these outcomes.

The wordings

When introducing the idea of sex toys in your relationship, be careful about how you express yourself. According to Lori Buckley, a sex therapist and author of 21 Decisions for Great Sex, avoid casting yourself as though you want a sexual replacement for your partner. “You may say that you saw or read something about enhancing your sex life with a vibrator and ask him if he’d want to try it out,” she says. Your expression should not border on castigating your spouse over any apparent shortcoming in the bedroom. “Proper expression of your desire for a sex toy means that a partner who feels threatened can also open up about their concerns, feel heard and validated, and receive reassurance that your desire to use a sex toy is in no way a comment on their virility, desirability, or sexual ability,” says Schreiber.

The other side of the coin

While you may mutually agree on the use of sex toys, when and how you will use them, it can be easy for one partner to deviate and turn the toys into exclusive masturbatory tools. In addition, Grace cautions that you may have to face the risk of failing to meet your sexual fulfillment without the use of a sex aid, especially if you move away from the relationship and enjoin yourself with another individual. “You are likely to have difficulties getting satisfaction from traditional sex and intimacy. Your satisfaction will be pegged on the availability of a sex aid,” she says. This may lead to dependency on the toy due to its ability to achieve that which is humanly impossible. “With such a quick and affordable alternative, you will no longer feel pressured to resolve your sexual challenges,” warns Kirunga. “In most cases, though, if you have a normal, dynamic, and satisfactory sex life, there may be no reasons for using objects.”