Are we raising our children right?
Parenting has undergone significant transformations over the decades, reflecting the broader social, cultural, and technological shifts that have shaped our world. In the 1970s, parenting was deeply communal, with the entire village raising children and imparting values like respect, tradition, and community responsibility.
Fast forward to the 1990s, and while the core principles of discipline and respect remained, the influence of globalisation and an emphasis on education began to change how parents interacted with their children. The dawn of the 2000s introduced a new era of parenting, one marked by rapid technological advancement, a shift towards more individualistic family structures, and the growing challenges of balancing work and family life in a fast-paced world.
Through the eyes of three mothers from different generations, Harriet Wanjiru Muchiri, Lynette Savatia Ngonga, and Elizabeth Mutua, Lifestyle explores the evolution of parenting—from the shared responsibilities of the past to the complex dynamics of modern family life.
Communal affair
Harriet Wanjiru Muchiri, 57 and a mother of four remembers the days when parenting was a communal effort. Born and raised in the 1970s, Harriet witnessed first-hand the transformative power of a village raising a child.
"Back then a child belonged to the entire community. It wasn't just your parents responsible for your upbringing; everyone played a role. If you misbehaved, any adult had the authority to discipline you. And when you reported it to your parents, rather than receiving sympathy, you were likely to face another round of punishment. It taught us respect and the importance of accountability to the community.”
Harriet also laments the loss of cultural traditions and the role of grandparents in raising children. "Our grandparents were the custodians of our heritage. They were the ones who taught us about our bodies, our customs, and our roles as men and women. These teachings were passed down through stories, rituals, and daily interactions. But today, children rarely visit their grandparents. They don't know their mother tongue, and instead of learning about their heritage, they’re more focused on their phones. It’s a loss we may not fully understand until it’s too late.”
Harriet observes the dynamics of parenting have shifted dramatically. She says that currently, children control their parents. “Parents are working from Monday to Monday, spending endless hours in traffic, and when they finally get home, they’re too exhausted to engage meaningfully with their children.”
As a result, she says, the house helps raise the children. “I think that’s why the Competency-Based Curriculum (CBC) is a good thing. It’s forcing parents to take a more active role in their children’s education, something that’s been missing for far too long.”
Harriet is steadfast in her belief that parenting is deeply personal. “Don’t compare your family to others,” she advises.
“Every family is unique, and you should focus on raising your children with the values that are important to you. It’s about being present, consistent, and loving in your approach, even when the world is changing.”
Don’t forsake discipline
At 62, Lynette Savatia Ngonga, a retired teacher and mother of four, has seen several generations of children pass through her classroom. Raised in a strict household where discipline was a collective responsibility, Lynette’s upbringing was marked by a clear understanding of authority and respect.
“My father was firm but fair,” Lynette recalls. “He believed in the power of discipline to shape character, and my mother always supported him. There was no confusion about who was in charge, and that consistency gave us a strong foundation.”
However, Lynette notes with concern that modern parenting often lacks this unity. “Today, parents sometimes undermine each other’s authority in front of the children. If a father disciplines the child, the mother might side with the child creating confusion. Parents need to present a united front, so the child knows the boundaries.”
Lynette also reflects on the evolving role of schools in disciplining children. Gone are the days when a teacher would punish a learner without the slightest hesitation. “We were disciplined thoroughly in school. It was about teaching respect, boundaries, and responsibility. But now, with corporal punishment no longer allowed, I worry that we’re losing an important tool in child-rearing. I understand the reasons behind the change, but we need to find effective ways to instill values.”
For Lynette, the spiritual upbringing of children is equally important. “In the olden days, children were introduced to religious values early on. We went to church as a family, and those moments were crucial in bonding and teaching moral values.”
However, she says that parents are now too busy to spend time with their children. While Lynette acknowledges that modern parents are more likely to use dialogue than corporal punishment, she believes there’s a time and place for both.
“Dialogue is crucial, but there are moments when a firm hand is necessary. A two-year-old may not understand a lengthy conversation, but they will understand a quick, corrective action. It’s about balancing love with firmness, ensuring that the child feels secure and knows their boundaries.”
Lynette also advises against blurring the lines of authority by calling children names like 'mommy' or 'daddy.' “When you call your child ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy,’ you risk confusing them about their role in the family. They need to understand their place as children, and you need to maintain your role as a parent. It’s about setting clear boundaries and ensuring that respect is maintained.”
In her closing thoughts, Lynette emphasises the importance of teaching children the difference between wants and needs, something she says her parents really taught her. “You don’t have to buy them everything they ask for. It’s okay to say no and to stand your ground as a parent. Children need to learn the value of money, the importance of patience, and the difference between necessity and luxury. It’s these lessons that will guide them through life.”
Lead by example
At 49, Elizabeth Mutua, a businesswoman and mother of three, is acutely aware of the rapid changes that have reshaped parenting in recent years. With societal norms shifting, Elizabeth believes that the challenges of modern parenting require a delicate balance between tradition and adaptation.
“Children today are growing up in a world filled with gadgets,” Elizabeth notes with a mix of concern and resolve. “At such a young age, they have access to tablets, smartphones, and all sorts of technology. While these tools can be beneficial for learning, they’re also a source of distraction and, in some cases, harm. A three-year-old doesn’t need a tablet. It’s our responsibility as parents to monitor their use and ensure that these devices are used for learning and not just entertainment.”
Elizabeth is a firm believer in leading by example. “Your child is a reflection of you,” she says. “If you want them to go to church, you should go too. If you want them to dress modestly, you should do the same. Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. It’s about being a role model and living the values you want them to adopt.”
Reflecting on her upbringing, Elizabeth shares that her mother was unwavering when it came to discipline. “My mother wouldn’t go to bed without disciplining me if I had done something wrong. It’s a principle I’ve carried into my parenting. While I believe in balancing discipline with dialogue, I don’t shy away from using the rod when necessary. Sometimes, a firm hand is what’s needed to correct a behaviour and set the right course.”
Elizabeth also emphasizes the importance of love and understanding in discipline. “Discipline should never be about anger or frustration. It should come from a place of love and a desire to guide your child in the right direction. Know when to be a parent and when to be a friend. Draw the line clearly, but don’t be so rigid that your child can’t come to you when they need help. They should feel safe and supported, even when they make mistakes.”
In her final words, Elizabeth stresses the importance of prayer in the family encouraging parents to present their children before their Maker. “Pray for your children, and teach them to know and love God from a young age. That’s the foundation they’ll carry with them throughout their lives. In a world that’s constantly changing, faith provides a sense of stability and purpose. It’s the anchor that will keep them grounded, no matter where life takes them.”
