Here’s how to navigate murky waters of parenting in the digital age
Children are becoming tech-savvy at a tender age, posing a challenge to parents who cannot keep abreast and ensure their young ones are safe online.
In June this year, a community was baffled by a bizarre incident that happened at a local school. According to a teacher who reported the incident to the school board, six Grade Two pupils attempted to poison one of their classmates. Twice.
The six pupils, aged seven to eight years, said they wanted to teach their classmate “a lesson” because she was “proud”.
The mastermind picked tablets used to treat pain and fever from home and took them to school. They then crushed the pills and waited until everyone left for break. They sneaked back to the classroom, took the victim’s packed lunch and mixed the pills with her food.
During the lunch break, the sneaky group watched as the girl took a bite of her food, looked at it puzzled and threw it in a waste bin. She later said that her food tasted bitter and she decided to throw it away.
Undeterred, the six pupils decided to try poisoning the girl once more. The following day, they decided to put the pills in her tea. Another classmate spotted them and told the teacher.
It did not take much prodding for the teacher to get the whole story. She learnt that one of the pupils had offered to bring a pesticide used to treat coffee in case their ‘mission’ failed a second time. The pupils said they wanted to punish their classmate because she kept to herself and did not like interacting with them.
What was baffling was where the children got the idea to use tablets to poison their classmate’s food.
One of them said she has seen it work in a popular soap opera aired on TV after 7:30pm.
This blood-curdling occurrence was brought to my attention as I was in the process of developing a story on ‘raising children in the digital era.’ It was a slap of reality that modern-day parenting could be a matter of life and death.
These children, from a school in Central Kenya, had no access to the internet, yet from a TV programme, probably enjoyed as part of family-time, an eight-year-old picked awful ideas.
Dn2 Parenting sought to dissect some pertinent issues surrounding this topic, with the help of a digital expert in parenting who is also a mother and a psychologist.
Wanjiku Ngetha, 38 – mother of two girls
Wanjiku Ngetha.
“The kind of parents we become is hugely influenced by the kind of parents we had. And while this is a good thing as we can model what we got from them, it can also be dangerous. As times progress, we face new challenges in raising our children, and our parenting must therefore evolve.
When I think about my children in the context of the digital age, I am reminded of my younger days. Back then, there was no such thing as access to internet, we did not even have phones. So our influences were either from our parents and teachers, peers, or to a slight degree TV.
Fast forward to when I had my firstborn daughter who is now 18, I thought the same kind of parenting style that had worked for my mother would work for me. But I soon realised that I had to re-evaluate my strategies. When I was a child, watching a TV programme was taboo and the PG regulations were stricter. So when my daughter came home when she was just seven years singing a song “touch my body”, it served as an eye-opener.
I decided to take an active role in engaging with my children, rather than a reactive one.
The top concern of any parent today is children’s exposure to pornographic and adult content. If someone found their child watching such, the first instinct is to reprimand the child and punish them. And while this might work, it does not necessarily resolve the problem. What the child will pick from this is that it is wrong to get caught while watching pornography, not the greater danger of being exposed to such content.
As parents, I think sometimes we forget the mischief of our youth. In teenagehood, for example, children start developing sexual interests and dating as they transition from childhood. If our children do not have answers to these questions, then they will go looking online.
An important lesson I picked from my mother was something she would call ‘the three Cs; challenge, choices and consequence.
For example, if my child starts talking to a stranger online who might be grooming her to share inappropriate photos – that is a challenge. Having an open relationship with my child would mean that they are comfortable enough to tell me about this online interaction. Then I will let them know that the consequence of sharing such photos will not only cost their phone privileges (the punishment) but will jeopardise their safety (the why).
In my experience, I have tried to be liberal in engaging with my two teen daughters, while still maintaining clear boundaries that we are not necessarily friends; they are the children and I am the parent.
I understand that they are better than me in some aspects of technology. I will allow them to have access to social media on condition that I am able to see what they do by being on the platforms myself.
I have learnt a lot by being involved. Some ‘safe’ social media platforms host very indecent live content at night and I don’t expect my daughters to use those apps at night.
Of importance is to have two-way respect between children and parents. Children are intrinsically meant to trust and respect their parents and they are already afraid of disappointing them. So instead of instilling fear in children, give them the grace to make mistakes, learn from them, and be there not only to impart discipline but also knowledge.
Another important aspect is making good use of parental controls. Most of us have left the parenting role to smart gadgets, TVs and nannies. We then go to social media to complain about our children’s misbehaviours, instead of actually engaging them.
And this goes back to understanding the concept of choice and consequence.
‘We reproduce after our kind, and the offspring must always be better than the parent.’ I love this quote. Our children will always emulate what we do. If as a parent I share sexually charged memes or use harsh language online, then, the offspring is only likely to be better than the parent at these vices.
These are some of the things that have worked for me. My children have made mistakes but establishing that bond of trust between us meant that even when that happened and they needed guidance, or they have questions, they come to me. They also respect this bond enough not to betray the trust we share.”
