Here's how we plan to build on the foundation laid by our parents...

Many people have fond memories of growing up. From the mischief that earned them a good beating to that bicycle they earned courtesy of coming tops in class. For some people, it was even possible for them to accurately predict their parents’ reaction when something went wrong.

You just have to take a look at some of the memes about parents on social media to see the extent of the thrill adult Kenyans now associate with their parents’ approach to education, discipline, faith, among other things. Whatever the case, the reality is that parenting is complex.

Besides the contextual, cultural and socio-economic factors that influence parenting, we also have characteristics of parents and children which also form an interplay in the parenting equation and heavily influence outcomes.

This feature is an invitation for young parents or aspiring parents (between 25 and 30) to reflect on how they were parented, and how, going forward, they intend to raise their own children based on the foundations or otherwise.

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Vivienne Mutambi, 29, 

Dear mum,

I hope my letter finds you well.

I am writing to share with you what I learned from you about parenting.

I enjoyed many things. I enjoyed growing up in a large family. Having seven siblings meant there was always someone in the house to talk to, play with, and hang out with. I learned a lot from my brothers and sisters. Being the lastborn made it even easier and more exciting. Most of what I know about life, I learned from my siblings.

Raising us was not easy. Being a single mum, you were always busy making sure we had enough. I have never told you this but my immediate elder brother (Sammy) is the one who taught me how to read the clock. That day you sent me to check the time for you. I couldn’t read the clock and I knew I couldn’t come back to tell you I couldn’t. Luckily Sammy was there and he gave me a crush programme about how to read the clock.

I would like to have a large family just like you, mum. But things are tight with the current economy, and I may not be able to support all my children.

You taught us to be self-reliant. You showed us that it was possible to do things on our own; to be strong-willed and aggressive. This prepped us for the world we are living in today. Thank you so much for that.

You also encouraged us to take education seriously. You hammered in us the fact that education is the key to success and the greatest equaliser. Being a teacher yourself, you knew this too well. I don’t think there is a family that took education as seriously as our family did. You always checked our homework. Your priority was for us to have everything we needed for school. The report card was the first thing you looked at when we closed school. Everything revolved around education. And I knew if I wanted to be in good books with you, I needed to perform well in school.

Thank you for that because, without that push, I would not have come this far. I have realised I had potential that I did not know about. It was your insistence on education that made me score highly in primary school and earn a scholarship that took me through high school. I graduated with a first-class honours, Bachelor of Commerce in my undergraduate, all thanks to your firm foundation. I also did an MBA and majored in Operations Management. You engineered it all; encouraged me to register for a masters and paid for part of it.

You rewarded my siblings and I whenever we performed well. The reward system worked well. Like you, I will reward my children when they do something well. I will praise and encourage them. You also spanked us when we made mistakes.

But mum, as I become a parent myself, I will relegate spanking to a once in a while thing. It will not be my primary mode of instilling discipline in my child. You seemed to believe spanking was the only way. I also feel that children should be talked to, not scolded. As children, we were not given a chance to express ourselves. Whatever you said was the gospel truth. We were not allowed to question or express our emotions or feelings, or opinions.

I know the world has changed and there are many options, but like you, I will encourage my son (he is two and a half) to take education seriously. As much as I will nurture all the talents he might have, I have learned that education helps one fit into society. In the event he doesn’t have talents, education will be his fall-back plan. I will also teach him self-reliance, the importance of being a go-getter and the need to believe in himself.

I will also encourage my child to speak out and express his thoughts. Of course in a respectful manner. I just don’t want him to be afraid to express his thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Mum, you also seemed to overlook our talents. As I raise my child, I will be open to nurturing his talents even as I encourage him to perform well in school. I will also give my child as much exposure as I can afford.

Your loving daughter,

Vivienne.

Jared Opande, 28

Dear dad,

I hope there is a way you can see this letter up from heaven.

I am writing today to tell you about some of the most exciting things I learned from you about parenting.

Growing up, I enjoyed playing football most. And I liked that you provided space for me to do that. I also enjoyed being part of Sunday school – reciting memory verses and singing. Our Sunday school teachers were very patient in the way they moulded us.

Mum died when I was 3 years old. And you stepped up to raise me and my older siblings. I remember you put a lot of emphasis on education, which I liked. You also introduced us to Christian principles. I may never have told you this, but I applaud you for taking on parenting passionately and for opting not to get into another marriage after the passing of my mum.

You were very strict, dad, especially when it came to matters related to school and education. Associating with school dropouts was a capital offence and it attracted serious punishment. You did not mince your words, you expressed your displeasure whenever you met me, even in the market. It is the beating that couldn’t wait until I got home. Besides caning, you also took time to speak to me about what you did not like.

I remember fondly the special meals you prepared for me, yourself, whenever I performed well in school. When I arrived, you first asked to look at my report card and once you were satisfied with my performance, you’d invite me to the house to partake in the special meal.

When I have my own children, I would like to carry on the love and passion you dedicated to me and my siblings. I will have the same devotion to them. I will also carry on discipline and the Christian faith you inculcated in us.

I will however not publicly embarrass my children when I find them making mistakes. For example, being punished in the marketplace. If I see my child doing something wrong, I will opt to mentor them and their friend, and also help the friend who may not be going to school understand why it was important that they go to school. So yes, I will not condone associating with truancy when it comes to education but I will change the mode of punishment.

All in all, thank you so much for the solid foundation you lay for me. And I hope when you look down on me, you are proud of the person I am becoming.

Your son,

Jared.

Asha Jaffar, 29

Dear mum and dad,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I am excited to write to you today because I will be sharing some of the greatest lessons I learned from you when I was growing up.

As a child, I enjoyed reading storybooks and being on my own. And watching cartoons. I enjoyed spending evenings with dad because you told me stories about Kenya, and Pan Africanism. I enjoyed a lot of love as a child and for that, I am grateful.

Dad taught me how to read. It is funny when people ask me why I speak so well considering my background. Well, the reading culture was introduced to me very early. When I was in kindergarten, I was reading story books and progressed with years. This made all the difference.

I don’t know if you remember this but dad took me along to some of the community projects he was working on. One day, I saw how tiring and demanding the job was and I told myself I will work hard so that after I complete school, you will not have to work a day in your life.

You gave me what most people termed as the “western” discipline. Math/homework to work on or being told to go out and think about what I had just done. Because I hated doing house chores, punishment sometimes involved helping with house chores. This helped me to know that things did not have to be solved with violence. Most of my friends say I am very calm even when I am distraught; I learnt early to approach situations in a democratic way.

I like the fact that you were liberal in the way you brought me up, dad especially. You did not tell me what was right or wrong, preferring to lead by example. You were mirrors and this helped me grow to be independent-minded, not to be ‘a yes person’ and to always question authority. People sometimes ask why I am not easily intimidated by authority. The answer is because you taught from a young age to always question and not to take age or the responsibility taken by someone as a gate through to respect them. Respect is earned, no matter who you are.

I am still very rebellious; it is innate I guess. I read a lot and so that means I know a bit more than most people I am always around. Rebellion comes from knowing too much, in my case. I do not know how to follow rules and that has helped me because we have too many people wanting to bow down to power.

I have learnt from dad to always listen, and to let kids go through all phases without punishing and judging them. My dad let me go to school, and become an activist, and a journalist and no day did he ever tell me this is wrong. I learnt from his character and personality.

Kids are human beings, they can hear you, no need to shout. No need to keep reprimanding them, they know and they understand.

If I have kids, I will raise them to be independent to a point where they can start seeing themselves surviving without me, emotionally, financially and academically. We have to let go, early!

I hope this has brought some fond memories to the both of you.

Your daughter,

Asha.

Dahir Mohamed, 28,

Dear mum and dad,

I hope my letter finds you well.

I am writing this letter as a means to reflect about the upbringing you provided for me and my siblings, and also to let you know all I have learned from you about parenting.

My fond memories as a child are during Eid celebrations. We’d visit other family members, share a delicious meal and later all the kids would play together as the adults had serious conversations.

I really enjoyed the stability you provided for me and my sisters. You were both present and active in our lives as far as school was concerned. There was consistency in the way you both handled us. You were invested in our grades, how we performed and the schools we went to. It showed that they really cared for us.

I remember you punished us depending on the severity of the mistakes we made. If a mistake was really bad punishment would go from being scolded to getting a slap. The most important thing was that even in the punishment, you made sure we understood the magnitude of the wrong we had done. Rewards for good behaviour included being taken out or being bought for something we really wanted. There was a good balance of punishment and reward, and good and bad was clearly defined.

There was no confusion about where you stood. If you had an issue with one of us, you did not keep quiet about it. When we offended you, you communicated clearly that what we were doing was not acceptable. And this made it easy for us to learn. I also realised parents are predictable. If you stay with them for a while, you will understand them and how they do things. So an intelligent person will accommodate them as opposed to being rebellious against their own parents.

Another beautiful thing I remember from my upbringing was that you treated all of us equally irrespective of our gender. As the only boy in the family, I did not receive any form of favouritism. We all had an equal chance of benefiting from all opportunities that you presented.

I learned from both of you that my first priority should be my family. I have to think about my family as a whole. All decisions I make when I have my own family should take the interests of my entire family into consideration.

Raising kids is not an easy task. From you, I have learned I will need to invest in terms of time and resources.

I will spend a lot of time with my kids. But unlike you, I will engage them on issues beyond school and activities they do while outside the house. I will seek to understand and be in synch with them at the human level. This way, even as adults, they can still come to me and comfortably speak about certain things.

In terms of connections, I would like to have a better relationship with my kids. There are times I thought you were very strict. This mentality hindered me from having a comfortable relationship with you. From these lessons, I will nurture a more free-flowing relationship with my kids, be friends with them. I want them to see me as a friend. I will try to create a sustainable balance.

Thank you so much for all you do for us.

Your son,

Dahir