His cheating has made me suicidal

Throughout our marriage, my husband has been unfaithful to me, to the extent that he has slept with my 19-year-old younger sister; they had the affair behind my back for two years.

He now has a girlfriend who is 18 years old and the girl tells me that he has taken her to his parents.

All his friends are women and he carries his phone with him wherever he goes, even to the toilet.

He never tells me his plans, like building our home or buying a car; I usually get to know them after he’s already acted on them.

I am scared of contracting HIV or having him leave me with the children. Since I don’t have a stable job, I’m scared of raising my children all alone.

I’m also scared of my children growing up without their father; having been raised by a single mum, I know what they will go through.

Nobody, not even my mum, believes that my husband is a womaniser. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself and my children. Please help me.

Hi,
First, I think you need to love yourself and work on your self-esteem. It looks like this marriage has taken away your sense of self worth.

This marriage has left you vulnerable and fearful to the extent that you are questioning your ability to survive without your husband.

This man does not respect you, your feelings or your family. Worse still, he does not sound like a person who has values.

He is also selfish and does not seem to value your contributions, ideas or feelings. You need to deal with your disappointments and frustrations before you make any major move.

You are in a state where you could hurt yourself or others around you because of the pain, bitterness and disappointment you are facing.

Being sober is key to the journey ahead. You also need to deal with your sister’s actions.

The sooner you deal with the inner issues that are affecting your yourself worth, the sooner you can be alert enough to determine your future.

You fear contracting HIV and are also uncertain about how your children will survive if you leave this man.

The resultant stress is forcing you to think of causing harm to yourself and your children. But what good will this bring? Trust me, the answer is none.

You and your children deserve a future and you need to be the sober one to give them that future.

First, seek the help of a professional counsellor to help you deal with the pain you are experiencing, and to help you do away with the suicide and murder thoughts that you have.

In case you need help with this, please do not hesitate to get in touch for referrals.

There are many options to take in case your marriage does not work out, including seeking the help of the court for financial support, so your financial instability shouldn’t worry you much. Take heart and be strong for you and your children.

--------------------

Philip,

I am 48 years old and have been married for 18 years to a woman one year younger. Together, we have three children.

My problem is that my wife does not like getting intimate with me. To my understanding, human beings get intimate primarily for pleasure; children are just a bonus.

But to my wife, this is not so — throughout our marriage, she has never initiated intimacy.

Coming from a Pentecostal background, where it is believed that sex is driven by the flesh and should be ignored for one to qualify for heaven, I feel like I have been driving my wife to “sin”.

These days, she has taken to the 3 to 4am prayers; asking for intimacy from someone who has just been to the “Holy Alters” makes me feel like a “sinful” person.

I have talked to her about my concerns, but all that has been in vain. I even tried engaging her in romantic phone message conversations but nothing has changed.

I travel a lot in my work and I feel tempted to seek this pleasure outside marriage. Is this just mid-life crisis or what should I do?

Hi,
Congratulations for your 18 years in marriage the children you’ve been blessed with — you should not loose sight of these.

I can see that the two of you have different views on the place and purpose of intimacy in marriage.

First, it is erroneous to think that marriage was meant for intimacy. As much as intimacy was intended to be enjoyed in marriage, there are a number of things that may prevent you from enjoying it; this should not mean the end of your marriage.

Intimacy is as important to marriage as communication and friendship. This is then likely to result into spontaneous moments of intimacy.

It is also erroneous for intimacy to be seen as a dirty or sinful act. In marriage, it is blessed by God to be enjoyed by the couple within the context of mutual submission and love.

For Christians, in 1 Corithians 7, Paul categorically states that the man’s body belongs to the woman and vice versa. He adds that the two should not deny each other, unless by mutual consent.

It appears like both of you may need to deal with these erroneous beliefs if true intimacy is to be realised in your marriage.

You may need to visit a pastor and talk about these issues further. Finally, there may be need for you to find out if your wife finds pleasure in intimacy, if not, this may be the reason why she’s reluctant to engage in it.

-----------------------

Kitoto,
I am 36 years old, been married for six years and blessed with one child. My husband and I live in different towns, so we only meet during weekends.

Of late he has become aloof and even refuses to get intimate with me, even if I request. He has been unfaithful to me twice, and on both occasions he refused to talk about it.

He is also quite against the idea of me visiting him. He actually gets angry, almost to a point of violence, when I insist.

Then, a day or so later, he changes his mind and asks me to visit. He recently moved to another town and is still reluctant to have me visit him.

This has left me wondering what it is that he is hiding. He claims to love me though he does not show it.

He is responsible, does not neglect the needs of his child and is with me faithfully every weekend, but there is totally no communication between us; over a whole weekend we exchange very few words.

His idea of solving issues is by keeping quiet and ignoring me, then he assumes everything is back to normal.

He also doesn’t like anyone questioning him, even if you are polite or courteous about it — he will keep quiet, walk away or respond in an angry tone, making it look like he is the victim.

I’m sure he would refuse to talk to a counsellor. Despite all this, I really love him and would like to save my marriage. Please advise.

Hi,
Forgiveness is a choice we make, to extend unconditional love to the other person in the same way we would want others to do to us.

However, your ability to forgive must be followed by a discussion on the change needed to restore the damaged relationship.

What I see in your husband is a clever way of saying sorry without the accompanying character change. The problem could be with the way the two of you handle conflicting issues.

Promises are not enough unless they are accompanied by action and responsibility. I suggest that you be very candid about issues; talk about what should happen so that there is no repeat. Growing couples must be committed to accountability and learning.

Evaluate the way you speak to each other; pain has a way of bringing out the worst in a couple, particularly if the said pain has been growing for a while.

The words and gestures that accompany the communication can also end up making the communication unproductive, thereby leaving the issues unresolved.

The idea is to deal with the issue, the accompanying pain and the expected results after the issue is resolved.

I like the fact that you see him as responsible in providing for the needs of the child and, I hope, yourself.

Use this approach to get to him. Affirm the good in him before you talk about what is bad.

His commitment to be home every weekend is something you should not destroy, and it also shows that there is something he looks forward to every weekend.

Therefore, continue to make your home a safe haven for him and your child and use it to affirm before you correct.