I can't get my ex-girlfriend off my mind

Hi Kitoto,

Thank you for your eye-opening articles every week. After six months of dating, I recently broke up with my girlfriend, which involved several break-ups and make-ups. I ended things for the feeling of being sidelined aside from the fact that she has time to speak to other guys but can’t respond to me. She agreed she had become distant but apparently, she said she did it to distract herself from the pain of losing me.

I am trying to get her off of my mind and move on, but I can’t seem to as I still have deep feelings for her. I want to reconnect with her and mend things, but she has said that she doesn’t want to put any labels on this and take it slow and see where it ends up. I have laid all my feelings bare, only to be met by cold responses or one-word answers. As a result, I have blocked her on all social media platforms not to revive memories. 

I am currently working on bettering myself as a man to prevent a recurrence of the above with any future relations just in case this won’t work out and thus have blocked her on all social media platforms to minimise communication for now. I don’t want to lose her entirely, but I just feel like letting go as it is draining me both mentally and emotionally. Kindly advise me on how to go about it.

Thank you

Hi,

You may need to consider a few things: First, acknowledge that hurt and disappointments are common in relationships. In your case, you seem to know with certainty the issues hurting your relationship and the hindrances to resolving them. Being sure of the critical issues that divide you — particularly those you cannot compromise on will help you move forward with certainty. 

Second, attraction alone is not enough to make things work between the two of you. Therefore, move beyond appeal to discovering the everyday things that unite both of you. If the things you share in common and agree upon and fewer than the issues that cause disagreement, you need not waste your time with her.

For dating couples, there are moments that time away from each other helps sobriety to settle in and for people to think clearly. As you seek to cut off communication, sticking to a clear agenda for yourself will help you move ahead with clarity. 

“Is it possible for a woman to like your company but not necessarily be in love with you? Is it possible for a woman to distance herself intentionally because of reasons you she may not share?” The answer to these questions is yes. But the question to ask is why some men would still want to hang on in such relationships. 

In your case, it is clear that this lady is not interested in a serious relationship. My suggestion would be that you look at this relationship and identify what did not work and why. Try and identify what you could have done differently. This is how you will learn and move ahead with much greater skill in handling relationships.

Take time before you get into another relationship however promising it may look. Ensure you have dealt with your inner fears and disappointments from this relationship. Baggage, if allowed, will cloud the way you will end up relating to other women. Remember, people are not the same. 

I’m disappointed with your responses to readers’ questions 

Good afternoon sir,

I love the articles that distressed persons in various relationships usually post. But I am a bit disappointed by the responses given by your office. The advice you provide does not explicitly address directly the issues raised.

Your advice is always a long, generalised lecture that gets very boring as one reads it. You sort of evade telling a distressed person precisely what to do. Long lectures are tiresome to read. I would expect you to fearlessly and briefly address a point raised without beating around the bush. This is an honest and kind observation and request.

Thank you

Hi,

Thank you for your email. Your opinion on the questions and answers in this column is well received. It is important to note that, because we honour the views of all our readers, we publish such views and our responses in such a way to create harmony and understanding.

Being a keen follower of this column, I appreciate your feedback. I also hope that you understand the purpose of this column since its inception over 10 years ago. This will help shed light on the approach I take in responding to the questions brought in by our readers.

First, this is a forum where people share the challenges they face in their relationships. Second, our commitment is to remain committed to offering an alternative voice of reason on the issues presented by giving various ways the reader could deal with the issue at hand. As such, this column has desired to be prescriptive but guide the reader to discovering their solutions. 

I was taught that a good counsellor should never negate their prime duty of being a good listener, professional guide and not come across as judgmental. If I choose to be prescriptive, I leave the other person a slave of my opinions.

Therefore, coming back to your real concern, I believe that the feedback we get from people like you and many others helps us know how we are engaging with readers and how we could enrich our column. As you will appreciate, like it is with counselling, every writer has their own unique style, including teachers, counsellors, and other professionals.

In this column, my desire has never been to lecture the person in need or appear to be like an ATM that has no feelings for the trouble others are going through. When I empathise with the questioner, I realise that their presenting problem may never be the cause of the issues they are facing. 

So, when the question asked may look simple and straightforward, a counsellor may see many underlying issues that could have contributed to asking that question. The end product in counselling will be personal growth that leads to the questioner using the guidance to solve their problems their own way.

For example, someone presents a case and then asks, “Tell me, do I leave or stay?” The truth is that they could have considered leaving but leaving may never have been the solution to resolving their problem and growing to be better people in the future.

That said, this column also seeks to help the person asking the question to own the solutions they arrive at and not just provide the answers. As I mentioned earlier, the aim is to educate and influence how we live responsibly. While some readers may want direct answers, many others prefer to learn from another person’s experience.

Thank you again for your feedback. 

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