Is it wrong to expect sex from my grieving wife?

Dear Kitoto,

Thanks for the excellent work. My wife’s mum passed away three months ago after a short illness. From that time she was unwell, and after she died, my wife has not been intimate with me. I understand that she is mourning or grieving, but I am starting to feel frustrated and resentful. Kindly advise.

Regards,

Frustrated Husband

Hi,

As much as sexual intimacy is considered an essential part of married life, fulfilling this unique engagement in marriage requires an emotional investment. As you rightfully said, you understand the pain of losing her parent. I would add that losing a parent can be both traumatising and painful. The time needed to heal from such pain by a spouse or any individual varies.

Just ensure that you do not rush your wife through this process of this tragedy. All will depend on how you walked with her during the mother’s sickness and interment. In case you feel like your actions were distant and could have added to her pain, I suggest that you use this time to make up by giving her support through the healing process.

You should not force the process of healing just because you miss being in bed with her. Helping those in pain requires understanding.

As disappointed as you may be, sex is not something you turn off and on whenever you need it. Generally, sex in marriage is complex. We need to invest wherever we desire to seek a harvest. I suggest that you first deal with your attitude towards her and what she is going through. Secondly, your perspective of sex must change if you are going to appreciate life fully. Sex must be dealt with in context. Sex must be seen in the context of the overall state of the relationship.

Help me find a girlfriend, please

Hi Pastor, I am a 27-year-old graduate looking for a serious woman to help me start a long-lasting relationship. Help me, please.

Hi,

Allow me to suggest a few helpful things while you are still single: First, make your singlehood fun and fulfilling. Remember, being single is fantastic because it allows you to be yourself, be spontaneous, and do things you love without any care. Second, determine what matters to you. This stage provides an opportunity for you to spend quality time the way you want with those who matter the most to you. The idea here is that when you are through with this stage, you don’t need to look back and have regrets for not having spent time the way they should have.

At your age, ensure that your relationships grow spontaneously without strings attached until you can differentiate reality from feelings. This will help you develop the proper filters that will enable you to sieve through people’s past failures, pain, and disappointments. You need the right tools to help you avoid selfish and self-destructive choices that could lead to pain. Assumptions and misconceptions on what makes a relationship must be pruned early to project yourself towards satisfaction. So, how will you get to the right partner?

It all starts by asking some basic questions: First, who am I? Knowing who you are is key to a healthy you and to the health of the relationships you build. Be authentic in the relationship, live out your values, and relate without fear. A healthy you will gravitate you to people who desire similar values. If you don’t listen to your values, the chances of getting involved with the wrong company are high.

Second, what pleases me? Knowing how to love self opens doors to how one can love others. Learn to be responsible for your unique reality. Don’t let others determine what your reality should be. Take charge of your love journey. This includes taking charge of your emotional or spiritual reality. The way you will love, appreciate, care for and affirm yourself will determine who you will relate to and how you will relate to other people.

Third, what are my priorities? Know what you want and play hard ball until you are sure you have a suitable match. Don’t be in a rush just because you are afraid of being alone. Remember, many married people wish they never married. Learn to be patient and refuse to settle for less. Instead, wait patiently for the right moment, the right reason and the right person to marry.

Finally, be relational. This calls on you to develop interpersonal skills that embody relational health and wholeness. This will help us demonstrate increased love, respect, and trust in the relationship. You will need to recognise what drives you emotionally and handle this as you seek emotional wholeness. Connect with people based on their values, priorities in life and the value they bring to the relationship. Keep in mind that attraction is not a lasting value. However, it may be an ice-breaker.

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