Lessons from a broken marriage

A dear friend walked out of her marriage after 19 years of what she says was ‘flogging a dead horse.’ She asked me to share her lessons with you here.To protect her identity, I will call her Jane. She is not angry or bitter but is scarred by the whole experience.“We did not have shared values. That is what broke our marriage.” She went straight to the point when I asked her why, after years did she seek the separation.“In the public domain, we were the perfect couple. But in private, he abused me. I have scars from physical abuse and deeper scars from emotional abuse.” While the rest of us assumed that theirs was a normal conflict like we all experience in any relationship, she felt scared for her life while in her home.Just like her parentsShe stayed on because she wanted the kind of marriage that her parents have. She also did not want her children to have the legacy of a broken home. Unfortunately, her children were greatly affected by the toxic environment.One day this year, after a particularly violent episode and after watching in horror the story of the wife who was murdered by her husband, she sought refuge at a small holiday cottage out of the city, alone.“Not alone, really, I took a holiday with my God.” She took a week’s time off from her work, dropped their children at her parent’s home and drove to the cottage. She is a good Christian woman and did not want to displease God with her decision.“I told Him that He had to be with me during this entire reflection time.”Jane spent the week reading her Bible, taking long walks and mostly talking and questioning and crying to her God. In between, she watched movies and read books on her iPad.“He spoke to me.” She said. Sure that I doubted her sanity, she repeated. “Karimi, God spoke to me!”Jane is a level-headed woman, not prone to illogical or emotional whims. She may not realise it now, but she had made the decision to walk away from the abuse a while back but took time to actualise it.“It occurred to me that Martin and I had no shared values. We are as different as day and night.”Dead horse“You know the saying, opposites attract,” I ventured.“Yes they do. In matters of personalities, but when it comes to values, these must be shared; otherwise, you’ll be flogging a dead horse.”The dictionary defines values as the principles or standards of behaviour; one’s judgement of what is important in life. Values are fundamental beliefs that guide or motivate our attitudes or actions. Just like organisations are guided by values, individuals too have values that they uphold in life.“A marriage without shared values is a doomed one.” Jane gave the example of infidelity that had plagued her marriage. “I had every opportunity to revenge and get involved in illicit affairs, like he did, but I vowed fidelity, so I never did.”Sharing is not always caring for couples who share personal items such as toothbrushes and face masks. But when it comes to common values, there is no alternative. In the mundane routines of life together, we realise whether we have shared values or not. It is by such acts as how easily your spouse bribes the traffic officer so that they can get away with idiotic behaviour on the roads.If you disagree with this behaviour, but your spouse justifies it, integrity is likely not a shared value in your relationship. Economic corruption is only a by-product of moral corruption.“God told me that my life was precious, more than anything else.” Jane got the revelation that the only way she could be a good mother was when she was alive, physically and emotionally.“I was not a catharsis for anyone’s anger, pain and whatnot.” When a woman cuts her long hair –like Jane did- think of the caterpillar that transforms into a beautiful butterfly. That woman has just evolved, changed and found her wings. She is healing and thriving.“Martin is still the father of my children. We have both agreed to give our best to our children, away from each other.”As I have said before, marriage is an affair for only the mature, whether that marriage is severed or intact.Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]