My husband hates everything I prepare for him, what to do?

Dear Kitoto,

I need your help urgently. My husband and I are not on speaking terms. The main reason is food. He criticises me a lot about the food I cook for him yet we have been married for 12 years.

On Sunday, he bought some minced meat and told me to prepare samosas. He drinks and smokes and usually come home at around 10pm everyday.

He likes taking food such as chicken, samosas and sausages. I prepared samosas although the househelp was not there to help with the children.

He came at 10pm and I served him. He complained that the samosas were not properly done, ate only two then went to bed.

On Monday, I prepared the samosas for him to carry to work or eat while driving but he refused to take them. He suggested that I boil some meat for supper.

I did so and prepared it with some vegetables and ugali. He ate only two pieces, complaining all through that the meat did not taste nice.

On Tuesday morning, I prepared sausages with bacon with juice. When I took it to him in the bedroom, he turned it down saying that he wanted samosas.

So I went back and prepared samosas for him. He was not working that day so he took sausages for lunch.

He suggested that I prepare kienyeji chicken for supper, which I did, with rice and stew. I dry-fried the chicken the way I have been doing it.

When he came home, I served him in the bedroom. I was confident that the chicken had turned out just the way he likes it.

To my shock, he refused to eat, saying that it was dry and that I go and re-cook it. I asked how I should do it but he kept quiet. I felt so bad that I just kept quiet and refused to re-cook the chicken. He slept hungry.

One Wednesday, he was travelling and coming back the next day. I made him eggs and bread for breakfast. He refused to eat it and instead made eggs for himself.

By then we were not talking to each other. He left without saying goodbye.

I tried calling him later to see if he had arrived safely but he didn’t take my call. Neither did he reply to my messages until he came back.

I tried to talk to him but he accused me of refusing to cook for him. I tried preparing samosas for breakfast on Friday but he didn’t touch them.

I am fed up with his attitude towards my cooking. I no longer cook for him. This is not the first time we have disagreed about food.

Neither will it be the last. Please advise me what to do because it has really affected our marriage.

Tabby

Hi,

It looks like you and your husband needed to agree on the way forward with this issue, otherwise it will tear your marriage a part. I am left wondering if he ever gets satisfied by your cooking?

His expectations about food look unrealistic and this is turning you into something else. However, I like your attitude, considering the many times you have endeavoured to make him the food he asks for.

If his expectations look too high and you cannot cope, there are several options you can try such as hiring someone knowledgeable about cooking that kind of food or looking for ways of buying cooked food.

I would also recommend that you give each other room to improve. It appears that your husband could be using the issue of food to vent his frustrations on you.

My question is whether you have noticed any other strange behaviour; or has he been behaving like this for all the years you have been married?

Another option is to take some cooking lessons to improve your skills.

Hi Kitoto,

I’m a 23-year-old guy and I seem to attract only older women. I have been intimate with a 27-year-old lady who seduced me because she thought I had money and would marry her.

I later dated another 27- year-old who broke off the relationship because of the age difference.

I know my challenges: I am shy, with a weak personality and poor communication skills. Despite all this, I have never given up on life and I keep on trying, even when things don’t work according to plan.

I hate my life and sometimes I do not see the need to live. I get along with very few people.

Recently I tried seducing a younger woman and she told me to my face that I had a weak personality and was not her type.

I use all means to impress them, including giving them money and and buying them lunch but all they see are my negative traits.

Jerry

Hi Jerry,

Thank you for writing in about your concerns. You are at a good point to turn your life around and chart a new way forward without allowing your past failures to hold you back.

When you say that you are shy and with a weak personality, do remember that every personality trait has weaknesses and strengths, and that and none is superior to the others?

Learn to appreciate yourself and strive to develop new habits and make the proactive decision to change your social meetings.

Your shyness might have to do with lack of self-confidence, which might be attributable to your upbringing. All these can be overcome with guidance by a counsellor. Take time and read books on personality traits.

In life, none really has any control over what others think or say about them. However, you have control over what you want to feel and think about yourself. I suggest that you shake off the negative opinions by others and begin to champion yourself for you.

During the low moments in life, it is very easy to feel some disappointment but remember, life is tough and has many challenges. Therefore, there is a need to focus on building your self-confidence and learning to hope that things will be better one day.

Please look for time and seek further counselling.

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 25-year-old woman with a three-year-old son. I met a 35-year-old married man, whom I’ve been seeing for the last eight months. He is really good to me and loves my son a lot.

He says he loves me but also loves his wife and, therefore, wants me to be his second wife.

He recently bought some land and told me he bought it for me and my son and the children we would have together.

I have never been with a man who is this serious about me and my son, I’ve met several members of his family. Do you think its right to accept his offer of being a second wife?

Njeri

Dear Martha,

Polygamous marriages tend to be at greater risk, both behaviourally and developmentally. One’s faith and value system tend to govern such marital choices. Consequently, you are the one to make that choice.

But before you do, take time to think about what that decision would mean to you and your family in the long term.

One of the effects of polygamy is that young girls brought up in the system do not think it is possible for a woman to be the only mistress of a pure and happy home, and the only recipient of a true and honourable husband’s devotion.

Studies have also found that children from polygamous families are at a greater risk of several harmful effects due to rivalries and jealousies within.

It is also said that such children have higher incidences of marital conflict, that could accompany abuse, violence, and family disruptions.

Dear Kitoto,

I have noted that when couples are in the dating, they tend to be very sweet but once they get married, everything changes. Our society today has respect for marriage. I am a 28-year-old ambitious and focused man.

A lot has gone wrong in my life but I thank God that I am now engaged to a responsible, beautiful, loving, caring, understanding and God-fearing woman.

We are getting married this month and I will only be in the country for a short while. Please recommend a pre-marital counsellor we can see.

Job

Hi,

Our pre-marital classes are already over for the year. However, we can send you information on available counsellors for a one-on-one basis.

Please check your mail for a response from the counsellor. In the meantime, here are four basic rules for those who are engaged.

First, Know each other strengths and weaknesses and determine how they affect the way you relate. Generally, we tend to complement each other’s weakness in relationships by our strengths.

Second, develop a joint marital plan based on shared mission, values and goals. Great couples have learned the importance of planning together.

Third, embrace a mature approach to conflict management. Remember that conflicts enter a relationship to help us mature, not to tear us apart.

Finally, make a conscious choice to remain best of friends in both good and bad times.

Dear Kitoto,

I’m writing to inquire about premarital counselling. I would like to undergo counselling with my partner but do not know of a neutral place as we are Muslims and my fiancée was previously a Christian. Kindly assist. Saidi

Hi,

You are doing a noble thing to seek counselling before marriage. Problems in marriage are no respecters of race, tribe, colour, religion or community.

We will get a counsellor to call you. There are also great books available in bookshops that lay out a great principle needed in marriage. Walk into any bookstore and they will gladly help.

Dear Kitoto,

I am 20 years old with an eight-month old son. Since I gave birth, my partner has never seen our child or bought him anything. One day he sent me a text telling me that he would ignore me and the baby for a few years.

He told me that I was immature and went on to say that he would be staying with his ex, who has a 20- month old baby with him. The other woman is 15 years older than me and seven years older than him.

He is the one who told me to keep this baby and he was with me until I was eight months pregnant.

I broke it off after he told his parents that he was not sure if the baby I was carrying was his! Then when I was seven months pregnant, he beat me until I passed out.

He called an ambulance and lied to the neighbours that I had slipped on wet tiles and fallen down.

I now want to sue him for child support, how do I deal with this situation?

Anonymous

I am lost for words. I am a believer in the principle that a relationship is worth fighting for in situations where there is mutual respect and love.

I pray that you take time to heal so that you can soberly deal with the issues ahead. Avoid being driven by hate or revenge. This will only lengthen your healing period.

Your man has made up his mind on whom he wants to be with. Do not let this negatively affect you and drive your live life with negativity. I am sorry to say that both of you have allowed lies to govern the way you relate.

Now it is time for you to think about yourself and make wise decisions. First, make the decision to live wisely.

Second, seek the support of the children’s services for the legal support on your child’s upkeep.

He is not completely over his ex-girlfriend

Dear, Kitoto.

I met the love of my life in high school but we parted ways during our college days. He later left the country and came back last year but we still kept in touch as friends.

When he came back, the first thing he did was look for me. I have a child from a previous relationship and we are now both in our 20s.

He wanted us to get back together and it has been an amazing two years with him until recently, when I found out he has been in touch with his ex.

She is out of the country but is supposed to be coming back next month. His ex girlfriend sent me every conversation they have been having, bragging to me that she is getting him back.

I asked my now fiancé about all this and he said it wasn’t true, that he is handling everything and when he is ready he will tell me the truth.

I have an engagement ring on and my family knows about our plans and they adore him. His ex says he also he sent her an engagement ring and that my mother-in-law-to-be is on her side.

I stood by this man when he had nothing, I helped him get a job, helped him get a house and everything that he now has.

Then, just when are were about to settle down all this comes up. He keeps reassuring me that he is handling the issue and that everything will be okay.

My best friend tells me that I should leave for him everything and move on because he and his ex are making a fool of me.

I don’t know why he would do this to me but if it’s about work, I have a good job so why would he switch back to her?

Do you think I stand any chance here? A part of me wants to move on but I am really hurting inside. Please advise me.

Distressed

Hi,

There is a saying, ‘Once bitten, twice shy.” You instincts tell you one thing and your experience tells you something different. The place you are at is not as hard as you are trying to make it look.

I see traces of deception, particularly in the way he is handling both of you. You need to let your mind think and speak out. Put your feelings aside for a moment and ask, “Did this man keep in touch with this other lady behind my back?” and “Do both of us have engagement rings?”

If you can answer these two questions, ask yourself why you have not taken action to protect yourself from getting hurt?

You probably feel betrayed, taken advantage over, lied to and confused. You might need to take bold steps to walk out and await his decision to sort out his mess.

If you feel overwhelmed, you might need to go for personal therapy to help you process the pain and loss emotionally. This will help you be ready to face the outcome of the situation without losing focus.

Some situations can be very heart breaking but remember, life is what you make it. Seasons come and go and it would be important for you to remain sober and move on even if you will have lost your investment in terms of time and other things.

With all the love you have for yourself, I would advise that you take care of yourself by making the right choice and doing the right thing — to free yourself from the coming pain.