My husband neither supports me emotionally nor financially, what am I still doing here?
Failing to manage money well has paralysed many marriages.
Dear Kitoto,
I have been a reader of this column for a while, and I like how you explain issues from God’s point of view. When I met my husband six years ago, he was unemployed. We started life together with the little I had, including the bed and seats we still use today. I have worked hard to put food on the table and care for our two children. I even took a loan and built a small house where we now live, he contributed nothing!
My husband is not only lazy but is unenthusiastic about life. When I challenge him to change his outlook, he gets angry, and when I correct him, he is rude and disrespectful to me even in the presence of friends and relatives. I feel like a slave in my own house, and it feels as if he just wanted someone to provide for him. I don’t want to push or fight anymore. Am I the problem? How long am I going to remain unhappy? Six months ago, I found him employment, now he educates and pays upkeep for his two children from his previous marriage who live with his mother, he does nothing for our children.
Hello,
I can only but imagine the frustration you are going through right now by missing the very thing relationships exist for—fellowship. I must commend you for the way you have carried yourself through this situation; even for you to go out of your way to find your husband employment. This is commendable and a sign of resilience despite your difficult situation. Many reading this would view his attitude towards you as selfish considering all you have done for him the two of you are operating from two different planes.
The lack of material and emotional support from your husband could be due to his upbringing or lack of a clear path towards resolving issues. You may need to change tact in the way you confront him regarding the issues you face in your relationship.
That said, I wonder why he chooses to look after the children he has left with his mother and not the ones that he has with you. Could it be because he thinks you can still do what you have always done while he cares for the children his mother is looking after?
I also wonder whether you would be open to bringing up the four children together under one roof, that way, your husband gets to care for all his children. If this cannot work, it is important that you agree on how support will be given to these children without leaving yours out. It is important that the two of you remain a blessing to your mother-in-law and all the children.
I also suggest engaging a professional counsellor to help both of you navigate the issues plaguing your marriage, including financial matters. Failing to manage money well has paralysed many marriages, and your husband’s worldview on money could arise from past experiences or pure selfishness. A counsellor will help you have fruitful conversations that will hopefully lead to a resolution.
A professional counsellor will also help both of you better understand your roles. A man’s lack of leadership in a marriage can be disastrous, and your biggest frustration seems to stem from the lack of direction from your husband on many issues, which explains the feeling of being misused, a factor that has caused you emotional pain.
As you work towards a solution, I pray that you will look at your issues, not from the things your husband has not done, but rather, from what both of you need to do to get the marriage you both deserve. But for you to find a solution and move forward, your husband needs to be willing to work on your marriage, through deed and action.
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