Our two children hate each other, what can I do to salvage their relationship?

I recently read an article in this column that said, “We need to urgently rebuild and nurture love within the family unit”. My husband and I came into our marriage each with a child and do not have any between us. The relationship between us is wonderful, but the one with our two children, both in university, is very poor. Both keep away from home and we hardly talk.

I have tried to plan lunches and dinners so that we can spend time as a family and create a better relationship but this has not helped. My son will not confide in me on what the problem might be no matter how hard I try. What advice can you give that can salvage our relationship as I feel we have lost them?

Hi,

Raising a blended family is not easy. As you consider blending your two families, you may need to consider several issues, among them how prepared you are. The effort we place in finding the person we want to marry needs to be replicated in helping the children from both sides of the family bond. This starts by bringing the children into the picture early.

You also need to consider several questions, such as how the child dealt with the breakup between him and his father or mother if you were previously married. How soon after your first marriage did you make the transition? What does your child feel about your new relationship?

Maybe your children felt left out, however, that they are at university means that they are adults with their own challenges. It could also be that they just don’t get along and forcing them to be friends will only drive them further apart.

The best way forward is for each of you to rediscover your previous connections with your children before you got into this current relationship. Rebuilding that relationship will have to be your priority.

You could take some time away for a quick adventure to explore the rebuilding of the relationship. Be patient in your effort to get your child to open up. Be the mother (father in your husband’s case) your child knew before your current relationship. It might take time to get them to open up to you, but if you’re patient, they will eventually.

I want to get married but I’m unable to decide whom to wed between my two girlfriends…

Hi Philip,

I'm in love with two women, I love them equally but I have never told either of them. I feel it's now time to get married but my dilemma is whom to wed. One is 23, the other is 25 - I'm 29, please help me make a decision.

Hi,

Starting a relationship and moving towards marriage takes several actions that are important. You have already achieved the first, which involves identifying the person you desire to date, in your case two women.

You have confessed that neither of them knows about the other, and I am glad you have come to the realisation that you need to choose one.

First, moving your relationship forward demands that you know the importance of timing your transitions, think about it, you are ready for marriage, but neither of your two girlfriends knows your intentions.

Most relationships start with acquaintance before moving to attraction, then dating, engagement, and finally marriage. Timing these stages and having the skill to transition well from one stage to another is key.

My take is that you still have a long way to go before you even think about marrying either of these ladies.

Second, you need to appreciate that it takes two to make a relationship materialise. The love you feel towards these women must be communicated so that you may find out whether they feel the same way about you.

Loving and having interest in a person who does not know that you are interested in them can end in disappointment, after all, they may only like you as a friend. Transiting this stage early prevents wasting time, yours, and the other person’s.

Third, it is important to really date whoever you choose to ensure that you are compatible and that she has the attributes you would want in a wife.

To help you choose, here are some key factors to consider:

1. How well do you communicate and get to an amicable solution when faced by tough issues?
2. Are the things you agree on concerning relationships and marriage core, also, how do they compare to things that you don’t like about each other?
3. How does she perceive and treat you? Do you feel included, affirmed and appreciated?
4. Do you share a common vision on marriage and the future you desire to build together?

As I said, you still have some homework to do. All the best.

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