Pastor, your advice helped us through tough times

Hi Pastor,

My girlfriend told me recently that she is pregnant. I’m only 28 and felt trapped, just like the reader who wrote to you about a similar problem a week ago. I told her I was not ready to settle down but told her I would support her financially. Things have been calm so far, and I think we will come to a reasonable agreement. Your advice to a reader going through the same things as I am made a huge difference. Thank you so much.

Hi,

Thank you for writing in and sharing your experience. We all face challenges and various issues in relationships. If we embrace a positive attitude, we learn from each other and avoid making the same mistakes. 

It is essential to realise that when unexpected issues like a pregnancy arise in relationships, we tend to panic, and can easily make mistakes in our decisions. Rushed decisions can be costly.  Particularly where selfish motives are driving such decisions. In such moments, those involved may need to reflect through their decisions and actions carefully. In your case, you have a baby coming who will need his father.

Future of child

Second, I am glad you are calm now and already reviewing your decisions and the implications they may have on the future of your relationship and child. It is great to understand the fact that taking responsibility is just one side of the coin. How about taking this thought further and thinking about what will happen to this unborn boy or girl that your girlfriend is caring for when she/he grows up without both parents together?

 I have met girls and boys above the ages of 12 years or even in later years of 26 years and above who felt deprived because they did not have the pleasure of knowing who the other parent was. Some have gone all out on a search to find their father or mother. There are many unanswered questions for such children. Some experience greater inner pain associated with the void that was created through the absence of one or both parents.

Third, at 28, you are old enough to reconsider a few issues: ask yourself why your girlfriend’s pregnancy made you feel like you were in a trap. What is this fear associated with? Of course, feeling manipulated or betrayed by your partner into sex while knowing that their aim is to get pregnant with your baby is selfishly driven. 

Such conception that leads to a partner carrying your pregnancy is a feeling and a trap many young people find themselves in. However, I want you also to consider that, aside from the feeling of betrayal, it is a personal decision to engage in sex. 

Many of us enjoy the thrill of sex without the realisation that with sex comes the possibility of a baby—followed by the responsibilities of raising and caring for the baby. When we look at it from this point, we would wish that we waited until we were ready to take responsibility. So, the way forward is to sit together and have a candid discussion on the matter without choosing to run away or abscond your duty.

Take care of the baby

Finally, reasoning through the pros and cons of having the baby and taking responsibility is one way to resolve the issue at hand. On the other hand, getting counselling to see whether you were meant to be together and whether this relationship could work is another side to this coin.

 This last option will provide a home with a dad and mum and enable both of you to learn to rediscover love in the moment of trial. Ensure that, through counselling, it is clear that the two of you can make it together. 

On the other hand, if this was desire-driven and yet the two of you were never meant to be together, work out an amicable departure. After all, the two of you had just met.

My opinion and prayer is that, by reflecting on your decisions together with a good counsellor to help both of you navigate through the issues that the two have, will help both of you arrive or come to an understanding that will put into the picture not only the future of both of you but also the future of the unborn child.

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