Someone close to me touched me inappropriately, now I dread intimacy
Stories you hear from your peers about sex could affect your perception of the same.
Hello Pastor Kitoto
I am a young woman who is saved and has been married to a great gentleman for the last three months. However, I hate when my husband touches me and wants sex. I don’t like when a man touches my body. When I look back, I vaguely remember someone close to me and whom I trusted touching me inappropriately. What can I do because my love is waning? What do I do with my fear?
[Emily Kimutai]
Hi Emily,
Is appreciation of one’s physical beauty wrong? Is it okay to be told, “I like you and I want you?”
As a Christian in marriage, being appreciated and touched by your spouse is okay and right in God’s sight.
Maybe the question could be, can society paint sex to appear wrong?
At times, some spouses may have beliefs that could shape their thinking and worldview. On the other side, if movies and headlines splashed on magazine covers are to be believed, those who like to read about sex and admire to get involved because of what they read could be misguided.
Past trauma
Stories you hear from your peers about sex could affect your perception of the same.
Based on what you have stated, it is evident there is trauma associated with sex that you need to deal with.
Abuse of children is wrong, and when it happens, it can affect a child in their teens and adulthood. Confront such past issues with the help of your spiritual leader and a Christian counsellor.
Do this together with your husband. How you bring him along is key. I am not sure if you had disclosed this issue to him. Unresolved trauma can generate emotions like fear and anxiety that could lead to panic and hate.
One way of healing and moving forward is disclosing the issue to your husband so that he does not misinterpret your actions or refusal to have sex.
Second, out of disclosure, form a strong alliance with your husband and spiritual leader who can pray with you and your husband.
You should also engage a Christian professional counsellor. For a believer like you, your desire to allow the past thoughts to control your mind will spoil your marriage and wound you further.
Sex with your husband isn’t bad or a sin. Sex is okay and enjoyable particularly where past negative baggage is dealt with. Since abuse or any form misuse of sexuality can have lasting effects on a person, working with the right people to get to the root of the issue is important.
Most importantly, prayer can help you to forgive and walk in freedom.
Remember, trauma can stay hidden in the body and later affect one’s life unless or until it is uncovered and processed fully.
Education and mentorship will help you to have the right attitude on the proper place of sex in marriage.
You need to address these underlying issues because fear can paralyse.
That said, your hate of sex may have its origin in some form of abuse that you kept hidden for a long time.
The situation could have been aggravated if you never disclosed such abuse to those close to you.
If you did and those you told refused to believe you, this could also have affected you negatively. If that is so, the pain or fear you have may stem from the fears you carried when growing up.
This could have led you to hate men and sex. Whatever the reason, you need to expose your mind to the right education about sex.
Gaining a Christian worldview on sexuality is key. This includes the need to know and accept your feelings about sex and men and addressing any fears according to the principles of the Bible.
This will help you to be sexually intimate with your partner in marriage. By so doing, you will heal and gain responsible behaviour that will govern your future feelings about sex.
Studying the Bible and other Christian literature can also help you deal with your fears.
It will also help if you stop worrying and fearing sex. Your desire for sex will then be gradual.
I pray that once you start this journey, you will develop a rhythm that will honour your feelings and your partner’s.
Someone once said that a natural inclination for many trauma survivors is withdraw and isolation. However, this will only make things worse with time.
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