I have been in a wonderful relationship for some months now until I discovered he had a child from a previous relationship. Although he kept this information from me, I find it difficult to end our relationship because he has been such a good man to me.
This other woman has started putting more pressure on my man to take care of the child. I later learned that my man has been supporting the baby since birth but the demands are increasing by the day.
Partners in relationships that are hopefully walking towards a stable relationship need to embrace values like agreement, full disclosure, and unity of purpose.
Building a common ground is key as it helps avoid premature separations. When it comes to the issue of disclosure, each partner must request information from their counterpart on any issue that they deem critical to a relationship.
Of course, I get your point about the struggles you are having with him! Although your man did not disclose this crucial information, you have decided that it will not affect your future together. What I would ask is whether you stumbled on the information about the baby or he volunteered the information himself in the desire to put things straight. If he volunteered the information way before you heard it from others, then this was a good thing.
This brings another key issue to the fore, which is agreement. If your desire is to heal from this issue and move your relationship forward, you will need a moment to recommit the relationship to a culture of open disclosure. For example, you need to ask yourself questions like, how do you embed trust and honesty?
Looking at how thing are unfolding, a culture of true disclosure must be followed by such values as trust. You will need to justify what you mean by the statement, “Although he kept this information from me, I find it difficult to end our relationship.”
In addition, you will need to define what you mean by him being a good man. What qualifies him to get to that status as far as you are concerned?
Building trust is not an event or a point we achieve in a relationship. Trust is continuously rebuilt over the years of relating. Remember, he is the father of the child and he has responsibilities that could lead to a rebound unless you seal all the past leaks well. Ask yourself, whether he can be trusted. Trust is what will help you walk through any storms that could come in the future.
When it comes to the baby and the mother, certain key decisions must be made and clear boundaries set. First, make it clear between the two of you whether this relationship should continue and lead to marriage. You can’t make such a decision by yourself for the two of you. Each one of you should state clearly what they want.
Second, you have disclosed that your boyfriend is the biological father of the child. I am not quite sure how this information came to you and whether you believe the source to be accurate. This needs to be settled because could affect your future life together whether the baby stays with both of you or not. If the man wants the baby to be with both of you, what will you do?
Third, if this man is the father, he has to take responsibility for the child. School fees, upkeep, and other parenting priorities will need to be settled. Discuss what this could mean to both of you.
However, the two of you should beware of any temptation for manipulation from the mother of the baby. The threats she is making are worth taking note of.
Are they from a jealous and wounded woman or out of frustration of a man who abandoned her in her hour of need? This can only come through a joint agreement on where to place boundaries.
In the end, weigh everything and ask yourself whether this relationship is worth fighting for. This man must come clear on his current associations with the mother of the child, his future intentions for the child, and the boundaries that will be put in place to guard against compromise.
The truth is that you can’t come in between him and his baby. As part of being a responsible man, he should chart the path of where things go from now.
