Wife Speak: Let’s talk about dowry 

We are doubly blessed that my maternal grandmother, Juuju, now over a hundred years old, still has her wits about her even as things change around her. She has lived through a colonised economy, a corrupted one, brewed liquor to feed her children, vehemently fought female genital mutilation, embraced modern childbirth, and made peace with interracial and interethnic marriages. But she continues to support dowry payment. We continue to argue, sometimes even over the phone when I call to check on her about it.
“Are you still planning to give your daughters over to marriage for free?” She asks me when I ask her why she refuses to take her Omega3 supplements.
“I don’t plan to exchange my daughters with cows or with anything for that matter!” I shoot right back, knowing very well that she is picking an argument.
“And you plan for your son to marry someone’s daughter without paying a dowry for her?” she asks, sounding very shocked as if that is the most drastic change she has witnessed her entire over one hundred years of life.
“Of course, Juuju, he is not buying a wife!”
“You can’t buy a person!” she snorts.
“Then why are we talking of exchanging cows with a bride?”
“Dowry payment is like a tithe. Do you think you are paying God anything when you pay your tiny winy tithe?” Of course, she beats me with her wisdom, but comparing dowry to tithe? That’s pushing it. What more can I say than remind her about her Omega3 supplements?
“Talk to your aunt over here; I can’t hear you well enough.”
“Juuju, come on…” We had this argument a month before my wedding. I had not wanted dowry paid for me. 
“I don’t want people negotiating over how many cows I am worth…” I told my family, and they were agreeable since I can be adamant. But Juuju was scandalized, and my groom’s family were unyielding. This, as they said, was an honourable gesture towards my family and that they would love, more than anything, for their son to acquire his bride, honourably, aka by paying a dowry. Trying to fight my dowry story was like holding off a flood with a bathroom rug.
“Then, please limit the negotiations to strictly what was done in the olden days.” I had said.
In my early twenties, I first formed my opinion about bride price when we accompanied a colleague to pay dowry. After hours of negotiations, the bride’s father and uncles caused a stir, and we all had to cough up what was left of our transport money, to appease them. 
This was not enough, and our poor colleague, close to tears, was publicly humiliated and asked to leave the homestead. One of us had to rush to a bank and withdraw some more money– there was no mobile money then – to save the day. We left that home with a sour taste in the mouth. 
My Juuju will disagree with me, but I believe dowry payment has long outlived its purpose and should be discarded. It is a custom no longer understood by the current generation. 
“What was the purpose of bride price?” I asked Juuju the other day.
“It shows commitment by the man. It also demonstrates a girl’s honour.” She replied.
“Well, the man should be honourable too. If the dowry is the exchange of gifts by both parties, then I would support it.”
“Do you mean a woman should pay dowry too?” Juuju asked, shocked.
I like that extended families on both sides get to meet and know each other during the ruracio ceremony. I wish that both parties were exchanging dowries, to remove the notion that a man just bought a wife, like he would a piece of land. 
“Can a woman return dowry that was paid for her?” I asked grandma.
“No! Unless the man demands back his dowry because there were no children born for him from the marriage.”
“Aha! So, the marriage is about the woman bearing children?”
“Of course.” Juuju responded without breaking rhythm.
“What if the man is the problem if he can’t bear children if he has fertility issues.” I asked. I could tell that Juuju had rolled her eyes before responding.
“A married woman made sure that she got children, whether her husband was barren or not.” Does dowry add value to marriage today? I would love to hear your opinion.
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Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]