Yes, I would still marry him

Many young women dream of finding prince charming and building a beautiful life together. For some, this ideal man is fair-skinned with a chiselled physique and a beard, while for others, he is a dark-skinned, muscular, impeccably groomed gentleman. Preferences for a partner have a personal touch heavily connoted with the phrase, 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.'

Despite these romantic Cinderella imaginations, marriage today is not with its fair share of turmoil. Divorce rates are on the rise, and disputes over assets, and children turn into bitter and contentious rivalry, leaving many young people wary of entering into matrimony.

But amidst all these, there are still those who bravely commit to "till death do us part" with a partner who was once a stranger but became a beloved spouse. We talked to women who vowed that given another chance at marriage, they would choose the same partner all over again.

Josephine Karani, 62, fantasised about being whisked away to a happily-ever-after by a ‘tall dark man, muscular with a moustache,' courtesy of the romantic movies she had watched.

"He isn’t far from that," she tells DN2 Parenting.

In 1988, Josephine bumped into her dream man at a hotel cum pub at the local shopping centre in South B, Nairobi. She was a second-year student at the Kenya Institute of Mass Communication (KIMC) at the time. She was friends with the man’s cousin and she introduced them to each other.

 “He openly told his cousin that he liked me and told her 'si unipe huyu rafiki yako (Hook me up with your friend).”

Josephine’s friend told him off, perhaps fearing he could jeopardise their friendship. The budding romance was snuffed out, especially since there were no mobile phones at the time. Or so it seemed.

One year later, the man showed up on Josephine’s graduation day. He was relentless. Of course, she remembered him and they had a casual chat and this is when she noticed that he was quite a likeable person.

My nice legs

"I later on came to know that from the first time we met, he had made up his mind about me. He confessed that he was swept away by my figure, particularly my nice legs."

The chemistry was right, but Josephine had some concerns. First, they were from tribes; he was Luhya and she was Kisii. She didn’t know how that would augur with their respective families. Second, she was a single mum to a three-year-old boy.

 “I had the baby before joining college. I didn’t know if this would put him off so I was upfront and asked if it was going to be a problem.”

Without missing a beat, he put all her concerns to rest assuring her that he was fully committed to the relationship. He wanted to marry her, his mind was settled.

 “I also told him that my job as a journalist would sometimes call for working late, associating with all manner of people, especially men. He said he was okay with that."

Decades later, Josephine is glad she agreed to marry her husband and calls it the best decision of her life.

 “We have been able to handle disagreements without them blowing over. We got four more children, and they are all grown now. I was better placed than him financially but it was never an issue to him,

I bought the car he drives, and the house we live in," she shares.

If she could get married again, Josephine says she would choose her husband because he is very supportive, honest and trusting. "He has never had a mpango wa kando. When I decided to go back to school to do my Bachelors and later Masters, he encouraged me and was proud of my achievement."

What drew Josephine to her husband?

"I judge men by the shoes they wear- don't ask me where I got that from, it says everything about a man- shoes and I wasn't wrong after all. He is smart and neat. He is calm, and an 'open' introvert. I happen to be an extreme extrovert but we make it work."

However, their marriage has not been all rosy. One of the prickly thorns they have had to deal with was interference from in-laws.

Breaking utensils

 “One time we had to live apart due to work demands. He was in Kajiado and I in Nairobi. One of his sisters lived with us then. She started acting up, wasting food and breaking utensils. Then she told the house help that those were her brother’s things. I confronted my husband with two options—one of us had to leave, either she goes or I do.”

In marriage, Josephine has learnt the power of resilience and accommodating differences.

"My husband is the first born in a polygamous family of three of his father's wives, and so much demand was put on him to provide for his siblings. To date, the father still calls on him to help pay fees for his younger siblings. When I first went to his home, we slept in a thatched house that was leaking. I don't know how I hacked that, in my home, growing up, my parents didn’t have a grass-thatched house. Perhaps love is blind as they say," she quips laughing.

Sapiosexual

Eunice Odhiambo, 29 dreamt of getting married to a religious man who was dark-skinned and very tall.

In 2013, Eunice met one who matched her dreams.

"His dark skin was flawless. When he smiled, he had this beautiful smile, white and straight teeth. Later, he became a doctor and always had this stethoscope round his neck that made him look so intellectual."

However, for Eunice, it was not love at first sight. It was after spending time with him on a bus ride that that warm fuzzy feeling of attraction began brewing in her stomach.

"I think I was attracted to his composure and intellect.

Eventually, they tied the knot and the first few months came with some turmoil.

"I'd text and if he didn’t not respond by a particular time, I'd be super angry at him." However, with time she got to understand the nature of his work and asked him to initiate conversation when he was available.

With time, they learnt how to validate each other’s feelings. A significant milestone in their marriage is being able to solve quarrels amicably and peacefully.

"He is one of those men who believe in families, marriages, and maintaining a Godly and peaceful home."

As it is in every marriage, challenges are bound to arise and for Eunice, one of the difficult periods was when her husband got a job in Migori County while she worked in Nairobi.

After a lot of deliberations, Eunice resigned and left to be with her husband to avoid separating.

"We made it a rule that we shall never separate the family."

Eunice shares that every evening, routinely, they have a moment to reflect on how each one of them spent their day then read scriptures and pray together.

"Also, we love photoshoots and we have created albums to document different seasons of our life."

Marriage has taught Eunice that sometimes it's necessary to let the other person know when they have wronged her rather than assuming they know.

Love me for who I am

When Rioba Ratemo, 31, was a young girl, she did not have a checklist of what her future husband would be like. She only wanted someone who would love her.

Her desire to wing it saw her end up with a tall, averagely dark man who had a great sense of style.

"I met him in 2016 in a church dinner. He walked straight to me, and asked for my number even without saying hi first.

I was like, 'This guy is so stupid.' I decided to give him my Tanzania number so that he would be limited to chatting on WhatsApp, and I could respond if I was up to it.”

However, when registering for the dinner, Rioba had signed in with her Safaricom number and since he was the youth chair, he got the contact easily. He texted her the next day on her Safaricom line.

Rioba was just recovering from a nasty breakup and felt unloved despite being spoiled with money by her ex-boyfriend. This man who was pursuing her embraced her for who she was and supported her throughout her healing process.

They dated for two years and then got married.

"For me, I would choose my Desmond any day," she starts off. "My husband is an amazing person. There are extents he has gone for me that I'm grateful for. I remember our first child got colic.

My husband would wake up at night and soothe her while I slept. At times I would come from work tired and he would wake up at night to change the diapers. Basically, he has always taken night shift in caring for our three children. There is a way he comes in and compliments what I do."

It is said that every matrimonial journey encounters its storms, but it is in weathering these that true connection blossoms. Rioba's storm hit last year. "Both of us allowed our relatives and outside parties to have a say in some decisions we were making in our marriage and it almost brought us down. I always say if I did not walk out then, I’m never walking out. It was really bad and it took a toll on us."

However, with guidance from other married couples and open communication between themselves, they resolved the issue.

Like Eunice, Rioba enjoys taking photos and with every moment to spare, her husband is sometimes the face behind the camera. "We also love strolling in the evening as we enjoy mahindi choma. We talk about everything that comes into our minds and complement each other."

Being married to Desmond, Rioba has learnt perseverance, patience and that good things take time. "I have understood myself better. In marriage, you have to be flexible and love even when people are not loveable. Also, learn to forgive."

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