Mr Survivor: Queen hits the roof over my 'Happy Valley wives'

It is now crystal clear that I might never achieve a state of equilibrium of constant peace. That is to say, I might never have peace in both my first home with Queen and my second home with my business associates—Mrembo and Margie—at the same time. When I work very hard to attain peace in one, the result automatically upsets the peace of the other.

As I had told you in my last missive, I expected the radios of Happy Valley to spoil my broth by poisoning Queen’s head with juicy stories about my business hobnobbing with Mrembo and Margie. Apart from the usual suspects, I do not require a professor of psychology to tell me that Mrembo’s former Mifugo, who I made irrelevant last Saturday, are responsible for my current marital predicament.

My encounter with a fuming Queen came on Monday evening. After knocking on the door to the sitting room for half an hour, Queen finally appeared. “So your slay queens have finally released you! Don’t they have a bed there?” Queen asked me. As I prepared my answer, she shot another, “What don’t you get here, if I may ask, so that you can embarrass me by scavenging in the town’s dumpsites like a hungry vulture?”

“I thought we agreed that we will be sorting out our issues in a better fashion, during our outing recently?” I asked.

“Don’t remind me that you took those women of yours to the same place you took me to. And I was cheating myself that I was the only one!” Queen complained.

From the way she was looking at me straight in my face, I knew she was spoiling for a Third World War.

“I have told you very many times that there is nothing, totally nothing, between me and any woman that you have been told about. Ours is purely a business relationship,” I said.

“What do you take me for? So what business were you doing at Kichakani Hotel?” Queen asked.

As you can see, I was really cornered. Someone must have known about my secret meeting with both Mrembo and Margie at the Kichakani Lodge. And that must be Mrembo’s men, Chairman and Mhesh, who had decided to use the lethal secret to fight me from the Queen’s front.

“Now, I have always told you to understand that my kind of work is very difficult and being with the two there does not necessarily mean anything,” I argued.

“I know it is difficult having two beautiful women and an ugly one at home in one evening! But I have decided to help you solve the problem. Just concentrate with the two!” Queen roared.

“How do you want me to do my work yet you expect me to provide for you people?” I asked her.

The answer came fast and furious, “Time for wanting anything from you is long gone. I am tired of being mixed up with those dirty women. You are now free to live with them! You will know that you do not know. Wacha kanuke!Kitakuramba!”

She soon left the sitting room for the bedroom in a huff. One could have heard her rhinoceros-like breathing from the gate of the Palace. It was clear there was no food for me, and if there was, she was not ready to serve me. I knew better than to complain. I would only make an already bad situation worse.

When I later joined her in the bedroom, she behaved as if she had not heard me. She had divided the bedding in such a way that though we shared the same bed, each one had their separate set of beddings. This is something she has never done before. Monday evening’s ‘sermon in the Palace’ was the last time we ever talked to each other. It was a fast slide to marital Siberia, only a month after reliving our honeymoon days at Kichakani Lodge.

And so good people, I wish to know whether there are men in this world who enjoy peace both at home and their place of work. I would wish to pick a few tips from such lucky men. Kindly get in touch with this desperate soul via this gracious medium.

In the meantime, those mifugos of Happy Valley have touched a live wire. They do not know what they are playing with. Kitawaramba. Watch this space.

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