Mr Survivor: Queen returns to Slopes Supermarket as Makena goes back to the kitchen

Despite the uncountable number of suspensions to marital Siberia which Queen has subjected me to under the flimsiest of reasons, nay, lame excuses, she is still my one and only dear loving wife. I could therefore not sit back and watch Makena not only destroy my Queen’s supermarket but also drive her to near suicidal extents.

When Queen ominously sang that, “The day I shall die / I shall be very happy / to leave the troubles of this world,” I knew it was time to act fast to bring Makena’s intermittent showdowns in the palace to an end, once and for all. Otherwise, any further delay bore all the hallmarks of Pastor Mackenzie’s Shakahola happening at the palace.  Not my dear Queen! Not my palace. No! Never! 

My survival instincts rose to critical levels. I decided to use guerrilla warfare tactics in my multi-stratagem to finish Makena. These were subterfuge, hard power and soft power in that order.

Using the formal security system would attract a backlash from the parents of Makena’s maboys and also make the OCS entitled to some protection fee. This is why I recruited two of Happy Valley’s musketeers—Ndoria and Mworia. The two are teachers by day and stand-up comedians by night. Although the two are Happy Valley’s most learned and polished gentlemen, very few people appreciate their rare gem of intelligentsia. Add the two to yours truly’s brains and you have an encyclopaedia of detective drama.

Ndoria owns an old YAMAHA motorcycle he has christened Farasi while Mworia prides himself in the ownership of a Toyota Corolla 91, first edition, which he has christened Beast. He has modified the exhaust pipe so that it produces what he calls the ‘Subaru boys signature’. 

“Makena is a small issue. Just ensure that the Beast has enough fuel to make a DCI appearance at the palace,” Mworia said.

“Who is that Makena troubling you? We have seen five presidents come and go, the late mother Queen included, and we are still here unmoved and unshaken,” Ndoria said.

At the subterfuge phase, on Monday evening at around 7pm, Mworia and Ndoria were patched in the front seat of the Beast while I sat in the back seat with Professor, our other friend, for company and any eventuality that could arise. The Beast made a grand arrival at the palace. Ndoria jumped out of the moving Beast commando style and hopped straight to the counter.

Then came the hard power phase. “Kila mtu akae alivyo na ashike kitambulisho chake! Nyinyi ndiyo mnauza bangi hapa! Shikaneni wawili wawili! Everybody to stay where they are and hold out your ID! You are the people selling bhang here! Come in pairs!” he roared.

As he uttered the words, he was touching his beltline at the back in a manner to suggest that he was getting handcuffs.

Mworia jumped out hot on Ndoria’s heels, leaving the engine running and the front doors agape, and said, “Mimi nataka kuona huyo mrembo anaitwa Makena. Huyu ndiye mlangusi sugu wa madawa yakulevya! (I am looking for the lady called Makena. [I hear] she is the notorious drug peddler)”.

“Nyinyi mlisikia vile Riggy G alisema? Mtakuwa mkihama na jela,” said Ndoria.

“Vruuum! Kufu-kufu -kufu - kafa- kafa.” The boys evaporated into the thin air.

“Mimi siuzi madawa. Nasimamiamwenyewe tu. Tafadhali, nitasema yote. (I don’t sell drugs. I am only standing in for the [supermarket] owner. Please, I will tell you everything),” Makena said. She was talking like Leonard Mambo Mbotela. She then went ahead and told my ‘DCI officers’ the whole story of her plan to kick Queen out of her supermarket.

Finally came the soft power phase. The DCI officers told Makena to be a state witness, and in exchange they would not charge her with peddling drugs.

“I want to leave this job to the owner. My freedom is more important than money,” a shaken Makena said, and she proceeded to call Queen to come and take over management of the supermarket.

At the end of the peace talks, Makena sent some Sh15,000 from her M-Pesa account to Queen, but she could not account for the source and purpose. She also called Omosh, her partner in crime, who sent Sh10,000 from his M-Pesa account. 

Professor and I only emerged from the Beast when Makena was out of sight.

“That was a great performance men,” remarked Professor. Everyone laughed at the successfully executed raid and plan to restore Slopes Supermarket back Queen. 

“When that Makena asks how far the investigations have gone, tell her we are still following it up,” Ndoria told Queen.

“Thank you very much my dear husband. You have not only saved my shop but also my life,” Queen whispered to me. She had just realised that the whole thing was drama.

I cannot remember the last time Queen called me her “dear”.

And with that well executed action, I earned enough marital bonga points to last me the rest of the year. A very promising year ahead, familywise! So be it!

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