Given a choice, not many would choose the role of a firstborn. Being the first child is not just a position in the family, it is a role that one gets to play their whole life. As the firstborn, you're seen as the mirror for your siblings. You are expected to set the standard and are often treated differently from other children. You are handed responsibilities far beyond your years. You're expected to lead, care for your siblings, and excel—no questions asked, no room for mistakes.
And so many firstborns find themselves whispering the same unspoken words: "Dear parent, I wish you hadn't dropped your responsibilities on me. I wish you had let me be a child. I wish you had prioritised my well-being.”
Saturday Magazine compiled letters from firstborns, who, in one voice, wish that their position in the family did not automatically translate into a lifetime of tough responsibilities.
I wish you two never fought a lot. From a tender age, you made me responsible for protecting my siblings from the extreme violence at home. Also, why would both of you leave after a fight, leaving us alone with no one to take care of us?
At only six years old, you gave me no other option except to be responsible for my siblings’ laundry, cooking and changing diapers. I even helped you brew alcohol despite my young age and fragile body. Every night and day I experienced so much exhaustion but who could I turn to and request to be relieved of the duties? Nobody.
We are nine siblings but unfortunately, two passed on. I love my siblings so much, that’s for sure. They are like my children because I raised them. But almost every year, we welcomed a newborn in our family, and automatically he or she became an extra responsibility for me. I used to feel so much anger. I never had a normal childhood.
You frequently made me feel like I was a mistake, and that my only purpose was to take care of my siblings. Dad, as a child, I always felt the need to protect my mum and my siblings because of your abusive nature.
Although our relationship changed immensely, I wish I could say the same about how I relate with my mum. She has hurt me in so many ways, I can’t even begin to explain. It’s so bad that I have nightmares every night. All these things I can never fully heal from.
But also, dad, you never defended me. Maybe it is easier to lose a daughter than a wife…because even now, why don’t you take responsibility and protect me from mum? She has told me repeatedly that I have to take care of my siblings and her financially because she went through a lot to give birth to me, raise me, and take me to school. Is this the price I have to pay?
At only 24, I’m still heavily paying for being born. I’m not only responsible for paying school fees for the six of them but also for providing for the whole family financially. I wish you understood just how much I struggle to raise enough money for you people. I wish you knew that I don’t always have it, I wish you knew how hard it is. Mum and dad, you have traumatised me so much that I’m scared of having children.
A deep part of me is very family-oriented but I pray not to turn out like you two. I would not want my firstborn to constantly worry about her or his siblings. I do not want that life for them.
As much as I was proud of taking my sister to school single-handedly, I wish you felt the pinch I did. Do you even appreciate it? I could not cook in my house for a whole year so that I could save. Seeing her join high school made me feel very proud of myself. I’m also very proud of her because she works very hard in school. My only prayer is for me to be able to see her through to college.
Sometimes I try to understand my family’s situation but I wish I got the support I crave, even if it’s just emotional. I want to be supported as well even though in my parents’ mind, it is my responsibility to care for them and my siblings.
I pray for all firstborns going through this. I pray that one day you will heal from all the things you never talk about. However, don’t blame your siblings, it’s not their fault. Do not mistreat them or be mean to them just because you are taking care of them. Do not bleed on them.
It feels like I have been taking on responsibilities forever because from as early as 10 years, I was forced to help around the house. Make no mistake of thinking that I was asked to, no. In fact you said it was my responsibility, and I had to come to terms with that.
From ensuring my sister had eaten, and done her homework correctly, to minding her as she played or walked around…you made it seem that I had to care for my sister as perfectly as you did. No room for failing. I never felt a sense of pride and joy, only irritation.
I constantly felt that my sibling got the chance to live their childhoods while I did not. I felt left out. Different. I could not even play with my friends and hang out with them late because I was playing your role as parents. Now, my relationship with my sister is very difficult, and I can’t help but think it is as a result of how we grew up.
I wish you knew that to date, we do not handle disagreements well. We cope through either fighting, insults, or avoidance – no communication has worked out effectively and I have made peace with that. I wish you knew that we do not have a healthy relationship.
Being a parent to my sibling robbed me of an opportunity to be young and also to be just a sister. Though it made me independent from a very young age, I strongly feel some things could have been handled better.
Mum and dad, I never felt supported growing up. If I struggled to be social with our neighbours’ children or failed in school, you would automatically dismiss me as a problematic child. You did not understand how your decisions were affecting me.
You robbed me of the opportunity to be myself to some extent. I was always concerned about everyone else and never really knew what self-care meant. You did not consider what your actions really did to us.
As a result of my upbringing, I am a helicopter parent. Not that I am proud of this but I just want my child to know what it is like to be a child. To all firstborns going through parentification, my advice is, confide in someone in your family about your struggles and go for therapy once you get your own money.
Your daughter who is unlearning and relearning,
Growing up, all was well until Dad passed on. Being brought up in a polygamous family became so difficult especially because I was to be married off as soon as I finished Class Eight.
It did not help when mum fled home. I questioned why you had left us at the mercy of our uncles who were so ruthless. Why did you not take us with you? Every single day, I would not only do my siblings’ laundry, cook, wash dishes and clean the house, but also tend the farm. Although it was a joint responsibility, I was always made to do the bigger share because of being a firstborn.
I remember one of my uncles pouring hot water on my leg and that made me bitter until today. It took a whole year before the wound healed and still, I was not spared of duties. I had to weed the farm and care for my siblings. More than ever, I wished you had taken us with you.
From when I was 12 years old, I was being pushed to grow up and constantly being reminded, ‘wewe si mtoto’ (you are not a child). When my siblings did not do their share of duties, I would end up being punished simply because ‘I never took my responsibilities seriously.’ It made me grow up a bitter child. It was not my duty, but I was voiceless. The only mistake I made was being a firstborn.
So, before I got to 18, I left home. It was not my desire to leave but at that point, I was almost being married off. I remember this old army guy who had come home seeking my hand in marriage so that it would ease your burden. Even though you were not in support of the idea, my uncles who had invited the man would marry me off so I ran away.
I came to a relative’s place in Nairobi who promised to help me go to school but instead employed me as a house help. I was very bitter because that was not my intention. I felt as though my life was wasting away.
Although after some time she allowed me to go to school, I had to wake up as early as 4am and go to bed past midnight. I would cry myself to sleep every day and felt that nobody cared. Any coin I got I would pay school fees for my siblings. I did not want my siblings to ever go through what I went through.
I pleaded with schools to allow my siblings to study as I worked to pay school fees. I distributed my pay to at least cater for all of them and also partly for my fees. I juggled a lot. I wished my mum would do more to take care of her children because they were her children, not mine.
I wish I had been allowed to grow as a child and not as a parent. I wish my parents and guardians took better care of me. I would not be struggling to achieve my goals this late in life. The thing about forced responsibility is that it makes you work to guard your child from such. I never allow my son to visit any of his relatives. To firstborn daughters, do not forget yourself. You have a life to live.
Your daughter trying to rebuild,
