In a society that traditionally placed significant emphasis on settling down after finding “the one”, a remarkable shift in recent years has popularised casual dating to the detriment of marriages.
A growing number of people aged above 26 are embracing casual dating, rejecting societal pressure to settle down and instead prioritising what they term “personal freedom, exploration, and self-discovery”.
Gone are the days when being single past a certain age carried a stigma or was viewed as a sign of failure.
This shift can be attributed to a variety of factors, including changing social norms, career aspirations and a desire to experience life to the fullest before making long-term commitments.
Mr David Bwayo, 28, a business technology analyst, says society is increasingly accepting non-traditional relationship structures.
Mr David Bwayo, 28, a business technology analyst.
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Mr Bwayo attributes the shift to the realisation that long-term commitment does not guarantee happiness.
“Past traumas can make you switch off the emotional side and I have done that. So rather than wasting my time, I rather just bust a nut and move on,” Mr Bwayo confesses.
The pursuit of personal and professional goals has taken centre stage in the lives of many young adults.
Ms Margaret Kamau, 29, a digital marketer, says navigating the delicate balance between personal growth, career aspirations and finding fulfilling connections has become a great challenge.
Ms Margaret Kamau, 29, a digital marketer.
Photo credit: Pool
“Ideally, if I do consider marriage in the future, I hope it will be a long-distance relationship. This way, I can have the personal space I need to thrive and breathe on my own. Please understand, I don’t mean to sound cynical, but what is the purpose of entering a seemingly serious relationship only to end up with a broken heart?” Ms Kamau poses.
Brian Juma, 27, an entrepreneur, cites the shift in the dynamics of modern relationships, emphasizing that the normalisation of casual ties has made it seem that entering into a relationship does not guarantee that both parties share the same goals and desires.
Brian Juma, 27, an entrepreneur.
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“We have witnessed a significant transformation in the dynamics of relationships. It has become increasingly common for individuals to enter into relationships where both partners may not share the same values or expectations to settle down. Given the circumstances, I believe it would be more appropriate for me to consider serious relationships when I reach the age of 32,” says Mr Juma.
He adds: “At the moment I would rather have someone but not really serious. I have numerous responsibilities and commitments to handle, such as establishing my career and navigating through challenging economic conditions. Adding the stress of a serious relationship to the mix would be overwhelming.”
Tony Muigai, 27, a civil engineer, believes societal norms and cultural influences such as music and pop culture in general have shifted the attitudes of millennial men by reinforcing the idea that casual dating is an integral part of youth culture and that such relationships are glamorous and exciting.
Tony Muigai, 27, a civil engineer.
Photo credit: Pool
“I think casual dating is beneficial in the sense of operating at one’s convenience. The flexibility of it allows me to focus on personal goals while exploring various romantic and sexual connections without the constraints of commitment, especially in this generation. It is daunting. There is constant exposure to a range of options and not just by the advancement of technology in social apps but by also the shift in the dating landscape on what is socially acceptable with traditional notions of relationships being challenged. So being a small fish in a very big pond makes compatibility a rare commodity,” argues Mr Muigai.
According to Pew Research Centre data, millennials are much less likely to be living with a family of their own than previous generations of the same age.
In 2019, 55 per cent of Millennials lived in this type of family unit, compared to 66 per cent of Gen Xers in 2003, 69 per cent of Boomers in 1987 and 85 per cent of members of the Silent Generation in 1968.
Mr Mbugua believes the glorification of the "bad boy" image has influenced the way millennials perceive life.
Mr Vinnie Mbugua,30, a tech consultant.
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Zawadi Kimari, a clinical psychologist at Chiromo Hospital attributes casual relationships to several factors.
Another factor, she says, is that an increasing number of people have anxious-avoidant attachment styles, which are not entirely secure. This can lead to a mindset where relationships are seen as temporary, with a clear beginning and end. Even when a better-suited partner is found, it becomes easier to opt out of the current relationship due to underlying attachment insecurities.
Additionally, changing societal values and morals play a role, she adds
He blames heartbreak among young people on engaging in sexual activities early on, as the Bible teaches that individuals should strive for purity before becoming one in marriage.
Pastor/Dr Marion Mutwiri-Mwangi, a marriage and family therapist and lecturer at USIU Africa opines that lack of awareness and ignorance surrounding the principles of relationships is a significant factor contributing to the prevalence of casual relationships.
“These principles are not being taught or actively sought after by people. In today’s postmodern world, the philosophical foundation of millennials consists of relativism, where there is a belief that there is no absolute truth. Relationships, however, cannot be treated like disposable material possessions. Human beings are emotional beings, and being in relationships requires us to engage with our emotions and treat them with care,” says Dr Mwangi.
“Another philosophical influence is hedonism, the pursuit of personal pleasure. Many young people may reason that if a relationship doesn’t provide them with pleasure, they can easily move on to someone else. The fear of missing out also plays a role, where relationships lack clear goals and responsibilities. This leads to entering into relationships without considering the consequences, even though there are inherent responsibilities and consequences involved. These two philosophies contribute to the prevalence of casual relationships among young people.”
Poor modelling, she adds, as well as the presence of multiple alternatives, have had an impact. “The current generation has witnessed a high number of parents who have experienced separation and divorce. This exposure to domestic violence, failing marriages and emotional pain leads many individuals to seek protection from such hurt by opting for relationships without responsibilities or consequences. The negative experiences they have witnessed have influenced their perspective on relationships, pushing them towards casual arrangements.”
