It is common for couples to fake a headache as a way of escaping from sex in long term relationships. Others say that they have had a difficult day and are too tired to have sex. Yet still, others resort to drinking and coming home late tipsy, using alcohol intoxication as a scapegoat. An emerging trend is where people carry laptops home and continue working, using tight work deadlines and bad bosses as reasons not to be intimate. Then there are fake TV addicts who insist that they must watch their popular programmes which for some reason coincide with bed time.
These are the thoughts that came to my mind as Aggrey discussed his predicament. He was trying to convince me that his wife’s denial of conjugal rights is sexual violence.
“Don’t you see how traumatised I am psychologically?” he asked, his voice shacking with anger, “what is violence anyway, is it not classified as physical or psychological?”
Aggrey had not been sexual with his wife for eight months. Now in his early 40s, his wife was 38. They had been married for 11 years and had three children. Julliet, Aggrey’s wife, had just been promoted to a marketing manager in a busy company. Her busy lifestyle, according to her, had deprived her the energy to engage in sex.
“If it is a matter of a demanding job, I am equally busy,” Aggrey said emotionally, “this violence must be stopped and if you cannot intervene, I will take other steps that Juliet will live to regret.”
Well, a busy lifestyle is known to contribute to a reduction in sex desire. One however has to broadly look at other possible causes of loss of desire. Causes could still be biological, such as hormone disorders, diabetes and depression among others. Even medicines used to treat these diseases can depress sexual feelings.
Then there are relationship issues that cause loss of desire. A couple that is not satisfied with the state of their relationship will lose attraction for each other. Satisfactory sex has two aspects: emotional and physical. In a dysfunctional relationship there is no emotional connection, and this kills desire for sex. Even if physical prowess in having sex is perfect, it soon collapses when emotional connection is not there.
“Ok I cannot say that I understand my wife anymore,” Aggrey said, “possibly she has other intimate friends and that is why she is no longer interested in me.”
Well, having intricate emotional connection with someone else beyond your sex partner does qualify as emotional infidelity. It is one of the causes of loss of sex desire.
“While that is a possibility, you will be unfair to accuse Juliet of it unless you have evidence,” I said to which Aggrey reclined back on his seat in deep thought.
Yet still, it is true that a demanding job usurps all energy and can take away desire for sex. Busy jobs or demanding professions are known to cause divorce in many relationships. The need for a balanced life cannot be over emphasised for couples who want to continue enjoying their marital bliss.
“That is what I mean,” Aggrey said brightening up, “can you tell my wife to consider resigning from that job? If anything she talks too much to her boss, maybe she is emotionally connected to him.”
I could feel the mental stress that Aggrey was going through. Marriage without sex for eight months is a difficult experience.
“If you say that you understand my psychological anguish then you must declare that the denial of conjugal rights is a form of violence,” Aggrey said visibly agitated, “my wife is being violent and I will not tolerate this anymore.”
As much as I did understand Aggrey’s predicament, the laws on sexual violence have not listed denial of conjugal rights as violence. Medically, too, loss of sexual desire is listed as a medical condition and is not necessarily intentional and so it would be irregular to consider a medical condition as a way of meting violence.
“What if it is intentional, what if she is doing this to punish me?” Aggrey shouted rhetorically throwing his hands in the air in desperation.
Under the circumstances, the reasonable thing to do was to get Juliet involved in the counselling before judging her. A comprehensive assessment was necessary to ensure that there were no biological, psychological or social issues stopping her from being intimate with her husband. It was important to establish that there was no malice.
“So, if there is malice then we can say that she is meting sexual violence on me, yeah?” Aggrey insisted.
Whatever the case, sexlessness in a relationship does not amount to violence in the legal definition of sexual violence. Courts can however order couples to be sexual when it is determined that there is denial of conjugal rights.
Whether having sex on a court order is possible is another question. That, in itself, can be construed to be violence if there is no willingness from either or both parties.”
