My husband of 14 years has a girlfriend. He says he wants a divorce, but has not filed the paperwork. As we speak, he has left me and our children to be with his younger girlfriend abroad. Is this a mid-life crisis? I am praying and waiting for divine direction on my next move.
If you're coming from that notion of God hating divorce, divorce from what? The man has already chosen another woman and left to be with her. What other marriage are you praying about? Don't let your spirituality make you gullible.
You may be thinking, 'But I have children, and I don't want them to grow without their dad.'
The dad himself doesn't care that much. At least not for the marriage. What will you do? Teach your children denial and living in delusions?
Your children are getting scarred by watching you waste away in stress as you hold on to someone who doesn't care. Perhaps your worst fear in life is raising children as a single parent?
To this, I say that love and marriage are risky because they involve partnering with another person who has an independent mind. They can change on you even when you're innocent.
You can vow to always be mentally healthy and happy. You can vow to always be the best parent you can be and to always stand with your children.
Concerning this man's departure, I suggest you explain the truth to the children. Let them know that their father has opted out of your marriage with him.
But they should be free to interact with him as their father, as far as he's cooperative. He's no longer your husband, but he will forever be their father.
This doesn't mean that he must be their influencer. They can choose a better life that's different from his. They can learn from your marriage to him and decide to do better in their own lives.
You should also file for the divorce quickly to set yourself free from him and demonstrate self-respect to your children.
They can see you're being victimised and degraded. They can see the toll it's taking on you, and you can't act helpless when such delicate minds are watching.
You don't want them to pity you so much that they suffer vicarious depression or emotional trauma on your behalf.
You don't want your children fearing marriage and hating men to an extent that they behave confused and conflicted about love in the future.
You don't want your daughters feeling trapped to be women, and your sons wishing to get revenge on their father on your behalf.
Another reason to cut the umbilical cord from the man is to stay away from his karma. If you stay legally married and he screws up his life, you'll find yourself becoming his nurse and rehabilitator.
What if you were not prepared mentally, financially, and even socially?
Yet this is the way of life. Bad things do happen to good people. Unfair things are visited upon innocent people. We're living on that kind of planet.
Your solution should not be denial and escapism, as many women have done. Some have waited for the return of their runaway husbands for decades.
You should accept and adapt as quickly as possible. Sometimes, the right thing to do is also the hardest. This is such a time for you.
Juggle between job and therapy. Combine the divorce process with building the foundation for your next life.
In the end, know that sometimes when people walk away from you, they're giving you the chance to start better and stronger without them.
Look at the whole thing positively, and you'll see how many possibilities now lie before you that were not available before.
Now, you can restart your life very differently, both socially and career-wise. Now you can go another direction and even settle in another city.
How do you answer those telling you about the midlife crisis? They can make excuses for a grown-up all they wish, but you know the truth. He simply chose that life.
Anyone can experience emotional stress, but if they choose to walk out on you because of it, that's their choice. And now it's your turn to make your own choice.
