Religious books encourage parents to train their children how to live so they do not veer off from the right path once they are grown. This could be the reason why parents feel frustrated when children become errant. They feel they have failed in their role as parents. But is this always the case, are the parents to blame?
Emily Wairimu runs several literacy and empowerment programs for children in disadvantaged communities. She encounters this subject daily at work, particularly since many teenagers she mentors are emancipated minors who have grown up in environments that often accept unruly behaviour. “I’ve raised three children—two biological kids and one I took in as a preteen. Over the years, I’ve also mentored and guided many more young people through different programs and expanse of teenagehood. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, raising teenagers—especially rebellious ones—is one of the toughest parts of parenting.”
Emily Wairimu Mwangi speaks during an interview in Nyeri Town on March 4, 2025.
Photo credit: Joseph Kanyi | Nation
Emily observes that fourteen is the onset of this rebellion. “At that age, they begin questioning everything, pushing back against the rules, and acting like they know better than you. With mine (let’s call her Jane), I saw a drastic shift—she became defiant, withdrew from me emotionally, and stopped communicating. It was frustrating because I didn’t know what was going on in her mind. Another girl I took in had a different kind of rebellion—she refused to show any respect, she would talk back at me and call me names. One of them got into an early marriage, which, despite my efforts to stop even by involving the authorities, went to have two children before she turned eighteen.”
For Emily, the biggest challenge was striking a balance between stamping her authority as a parent and understanding her child(ren).
“As parents, we tend to think, “I pay the bills, I put a roof over your head, so you have to listen to me.” But teenagers don’t respond to authority the way younger kids do. The more you try to control them, the more they resist. And in today’s world, it’s even harder—social media has exposed them to many different perspectives and influences. They have access to information and peer interactions we never had at their age. We can’t shelter them completely, but we also can’t afford to be passive.”
Dysfunctional and Broken Homes
“After my divorce, I noticed that my daughter became withdrawn and later developed an aggressive attitude toward boys. My son, on the other hand, still carries deep-seated anger. I have learnt that if parents don’t help children healthily process these emotions, they end up finding their own, often destructive, coping mechanisms—falling into depression, experimenting with drugs, or getting into reckless relationships.” Emily says. She offers some of the lessons she has learnt from her experience:
“First, we need to start early. The real work in parenting happens before they turn 12. That’s when you instil values, life skills, and self-confidence. If we wait until they are teenagers to start shaping their character, it will be too late.
Second, we need to listen—really listen. Sometimes, teenagers don’t always say what they mean outright. They act out or withdraw—but behind every behaviour is an emotion. Sometimes, they just want to be heard, not judged. Instead of always rushing to discipline, we need to take a step back and ask, “What’s going on?”
Third, we must model the behaviour we want to see. If we want them to be respectful, we must show respect. If we want them to communicate openly, we need to create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves. And most importantly, if we want them to manage conflict well, we need to show them how it’s done in our relationships. Children absorb everything. If they grow up seeing unresolved anger, silent treatment, or constant fighting, that’s how they will handle their relationships.”
Laura Selah, a practising psychologist in Nairobi, shares similar sentiments with Emily. “One of the most pressing issues I encounter in my work is parenting rebellious teenagers, particularly addressing defiance in various forms such as substance use, disobedience, hostility, and tantrums. Over the past couple of years, teenage rebellion has become a prevalent concern among parents. There are several reasons behind this, including adolescents seeking identity and independence.
Child Mental Haven Phycologist Laura Selah pose for a photo at the care facility in Nairobi on March 19, 2025.
Photo credit: Lucy Wanjiru | Nation
Many parents today are not actively present in their children’s lives, which can lead to teenagers acting out in search of attention. Others may feel overprotected and rebel in an attempt to assert their independence. Additionally, some teens struggle with underlying conditions that they may not feel comfortable expressing, leading them to act out instead.
Laura observes that many parents consider teenage rebellion a phase that will wear off with time and fail to see it as a serious behavioural issue. “Distinguishing between normal teenage rebellion and persistent defiance is key. A behavioural issue may be addressed with consequences that lead to improvement, while rebellion is often persistent despite disciplinary actions. Parents who feel their child’s rebellion is a personal attack may struggle to effectively address the behaviour, leading to either excessive hostility or disengagement.”
“Previously, parents had a more authoritarian approach, where children were expected to obey without question. However, today’s children are more informed due to exposure to technology and social trends. Parents who fail to adapt to this changing landscape may face increased resistance from their children.
The best approach is authoritative parenting, which balances structure with warmth and understanding. Unlike authoritarian parenting, which emphasizes superiority and obedience, authoritative parenting involves setting clear boundaries while also listening to children’s perspectives. This approach fosters mutual respect, helping teenagers understand the reasoning behind rules rather than simply feeling controlled.”
Laura encourages unity of purpose in parenting. “Parents must be clear, consistent, and united in enforcing rules. Mixed messages or inconsistent enforcement undermine boundaries and make it harder for teens to comply. Additionally, co-parents should communicate the same expectations to prevent children from exploiting inconsistencies. Parents should also avoid bad-mouthing each other, especially after implementing rules, as this creates confusion and emotional distress for the child. One major struggle parents face is getting their teenagers to communicate openly. If open communication has not been established from childhood, it is unlikely to suddenly develop in adolescence.
Trust is built over time, and parents must actively listen to their children rather than simply imposing their perspectives. In situations where communication is especially difficult, family therapy can serve as a neutral space for teens to express themselves and for parents to better understand their child’s perspective. Trust is also reinforced by avoiding past mistakes in conflict resolution—parents should not continuously remind their children of past wrongs, as this can damage trust and lead to further withdrawal.”
Verbal outbursts and backtalk
As shared by Emily, there are instances when the rebellion will turn verbal. How can parents address this?
“Teenagers often resort to backtalk during conflicts, which can frustrate parents. Instead of reacting in the heat of the moment, parents should let emotions settle before addressing the behaviour. It is also crucial to examine whether certain triggers are causing the behaviour. Additionally, children learn by observing their parents—if they see their caregivers engaging in back-and-forth arguments, they may mimic this behaviour. To address backtalk, parents should express their frustrations, listen to their child’s perspective, and establish healthier ways of resolving conflicts. If necessary, taking a time-out before discussing the issue can help prevent unnecessary escalation,” says Laura.
According to Laura, active listening plays a fundamental role in conflict resolution. When teenagers feel genuinely heard, they are more likely to engage in constructive conversations. Active listening means paying attention to both verbal and non-verbal cues without immediate judgment. By fostering open communication and trust, parents can guide their teenagers effectively while maintaining a healthy relationship.
Pastor, CPA Bernard Warui, general overseer of Living Waters Chapel, Kamulu.
Photo credit: Pool
Pastor Bernard Warui has been a friend of youth in general and teenagers in particular through mentorship for over two decades. The general overseer of Living Waters Chapel in Kamulu started ‘talking’ to teenagers when he joined the university to study finance in the early aughts. “Many parents approach me, concerned that their once obedient children have become rebellious and unmanageable. While it is easy to blame the teenagers, I have come to realise that rebellion is often a symptom of deeper issues rather than the core problem itself.
Teenagers are in a transition phase where they seek independence and self-expression. The problem arises when parents fail to adjust their approach to accommodate this shift. A child who was once fully dependent on their parents begins to question authority and make independent choices. However, many parents, instead of guiding this transition, react by tightening their control, which often leads to resistance and outright defiance,” he shares.
Pastor Bernard observes the impact that peer influences have on teenagers’ behaviour change. “I have seen many teenagers engage in drinking, drug use, and other risky behaviours not because they want to but because they fear exclusion from their social circles. The need for belonging is a powerful force, and without a strong internal compass or external mentorship, many teenagers fall into destructive patterns. Parents often underestimate the influence of peers, assuming that their own guidance is enough. However, without actively engaging in their teenagers' social lives and providing alternative positive influences, they risk losing their children to negative peer groups.”
As espoused by Laura, Pastor Bernard opines that technology continues to take a central role in the growth of teenagers and, therefore, the outcome can/is manifested in their behaviour. “Technology has further complicated parenting. Unlike past generations, today’s teenagers have access to a vast digital world that shapes their thinking and values. Social media, in particular, introduces them to lifestyles, ideologies, and behaviours that may contradict their cultural and parental teachings. I have spoken to many parents who feel helpless as their teenagers adopt foreign mannerisms, challenge family traditions, and demand freedoms that seem inappropriate for their age. The exposure to unfiltered content accelerates maturity in some areas while leaving critical emotional and social skills underdeveloped.”
He argues that there is a need for the evolution of parenting styles. “There is a massive failure of many parents to evolve in their parenting styles. Some continue treating their teenagers as they did when they were younger, using strict control instead of dialogue. However, I have found that the most effective way to reach teenagers is through friendship and mentorship. A teenager is more likely to confide in a mentor or a non-judgmental parent than in someone who only enforces rules. Unfortunately, when parents fail to adjust, teenagers seek guidance elsewhere, often from peers who may not have their best interests at heart.
The lack of strong mentorship structures is a growing concern. Many teenagers today do not have access to responsible older figures who can guide them. When I started mentoring, I realised they often needed someone outside their immediate family to confide in. A third-party mentor—whether an older sibling, uncle, pastor, or teacher—can play a critical role in offering perspectives that a parent might struggle to provide. Without this, teenagers navigate their struggles alone, making mistakes that could have been avoided.”
“Societal expectations and rigid structures also contribute to teenage rebellion. Many African families, for instance, still operate under traditional expectations that may not align with the modern teenager’s aspirations. Parents often dictate career choices, social behaviours, and even friendships based on long-standing cultural norms. However, teenagers today are more exposed to alternative paths and opportunities. The friction between parental expectations and teenage aspirations creates conflicts that manifest as rebellion,” says Pastor Benard.
“I believe parenting must become more adaptive and mentorship must be prioritised. Instead of enforcing authority through control, parents should embrace open dialogue. Teenagers are more receptive when they feel heard rather than dictated to. Also, parents must intentionally build relationships with their children, creating environments where difficult conversations can take place without fear of judgment.
From my experience, a well-mentored teenager stands a better chance of making informed, responsible choices. As a society, we must invest in mentorship programs and encourage parents to be more engaged in their children’s development. Only through intentional guidance can we help teenagers navigate their complex world without losing themselves in rebellion and destructive behaviours,” he adds.
Although the pastor is quick to point out that this is his parenting style, he is also not shy to share that it has worked in many parent-child crises that he has midwifed to normalcy. “I am a parent to three children: a teenager, a preteen, and one who is below 10, this is a case of preaching wine and taking it. I use the practical approach that has helped not just me, but many other parents to navigate parenthood. I am a good friend to my teenage daughter, and I can tell it has positively impacted how she’s turned out.”
The overarching message shared by Emily, Laura and Pastor Benard is in congruence that, raising teenagers in today’s world requires a shift from rigid parenting styles to a more flexible and understanding approach. By enforcing consistent boundaries, improving communication, and adapting to modern challenges, parents can build strong relationships with their teenagers and guide them through adolescence effectively. The key lies in balance—offering guidance while also allowing room for independence and self-expression.
