Displaying contempt is another sure way of putting your relationship under strain. Especially insults, put downs, hostile humour and mockery
We should always aim to make our marriages into the sort of close, secure and loving relationship that turns ‘you’ and ‘me’ into ‘us’. Because as you succeed, you’ll feel positive about your whole life. And will be far more likely to be happy than someone who has never married. Children who’re brought up in secure and loving marriages also do better at school, have better mental health, and develop better relationships as adults.
Your relationship is most likely to be happy, loving and long lasting if you’re both self-sufficient individuals who find it easy to get close to others, and are trusting, trustworthy, and good at resolving conflicts. Especially if your loving style includes a good mix of intimacy, passion and commitment. But even if your marriage has all that, it’s still distressingly easy for one of you to wreck it!
Because with the passage of time it’s all too easy to start developing the sort of habits that will damage your relationship very badly. And without even realising what you’re doing!
Like criticising your partner. It’s perfectly normal for a couple to disagree about stuff, and it’s definitely all right to speak up, or to complain about your partner’s bad behaviour. But it’s not OK to belittle them as a person. Displaying contempt is another sure way of putting your relationship under strain. Especially insults, put downs, hostile humour and mockery.
Another bad habit is trying to control your partner, insisting they do things your way, taking them for granted, or not showing any interest in what they’re doing. Or turning every argument into a shouting match, instead of calmly trying to understand your partner’s concerns. Or by making your relationship completely unequal. Like refusing to acknowledge the things your partner is doing for you, and doing little in return.
Fortunately, it’s never too late to put things right. You need to recognise your bad habits, work towards eliminating them, and concentrate on increasing the things that help love grow.
So make sure you understand each other by sharing your thoughts and feelings. You almost certainly did that when you were first together, but the habit often fades away as we gradually assume that we already know everything there is to know about each other.
Conscientiously respect each other’s opinions, and solve your inevitable problems together as a team. Avoid any tendency towards negativity because it’s really hard to live with someone who always sees the bad in everything. It takes five positives, like a smile or compliment, to counteract every negative, such as criticising or moaning! Increase your positivity and your partner will gradually do the same.
Above all, be realistic, because no partner is ever perfect. And remember that relationships are always developing, as we grow older, and go through the different stages of our lives. Because a relationship is a precious thing, the right partner is hard to find, and staying in love is a lifetime’s work. So don’t give up too easily.
