Helping a friend to grieve

Many of us have friends and relatives who lost someone recently — and it can be very hard to know how best to help them.

Maybe you simply feel you don’t know what to say, or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Don’t worry; the most important thing you can do is simply to be there for them.

They may be feeling anger, despair, fear or even guilt.

They may be consumed by their loss, crying, or even lashing out — but don’t judge them, or take their behaviour personally.

They may start to feel better over the next few weeks. But it could take several years.

And even then, they could still experience intense grief at future events such as a wedding or the birth of a child.

So how can you help? Just talk to them. Use words like: “I heard that your ... died.” Direct language which shows you’re willing to talk about how they really feel.

Express your feelings — “I’m so sorry about what happened” — and don’t be afraid to reveal that you don’t have the right words: “I’m not sure what to say, but I do want you to know I care.”

Let them tell you how their loved one died, maybe over and over again.

PAIN LESSENS WITH EACH RE-TELLING

Be patient, because repeating the story will gradually help them to accept the death. And with each re-telling, the pain gets a little less.

Talk frankly about the person who died and don’t change the subject if their name comes up. And invite your friend to express their thoughts: “Do you feel like talking about it?” If they do, simply accept their feelings without judgement, argument, advice or criticism.

Don’t press them if they don’t want to talk. Simply sit together in silence. Just being there is enough.

If your friend is a child, answer any questions they may have as truthfully as you can.

Use very simple and honest language, convey your spiritual values, and help them to find ways to remember the deceased person, like making a collection of photographs.

Offer practical assistance — shopping, driving, cleaning, picking kids from school — and keep your promises. Most people forget, so be the one who follows up.

Weekends are often very difficult, so suggest a regular date then such as having a meal or a drink together.

Keep in touch, and encourage them to seek professional help if you notice them neglecting personal hygiene, abusing alcohol, withdrawing from friends, feeling hopeless, or increasingly focusing on their loss.

Watch for excessive bitterness, anger, guilt, hallucinations, slow speech and body movements, or being unable to function at work, home, or school.

And if they talk about dying, suicide, “unbearable” feelings or “nothing to look forward to”, get professional help right away.

Above all, offer hope.

People who have been bereaved often recall that the people who helped them the most were those who quietly reassured them that things would eventually get better.