You’d be surprised at how often an adult child cuts off contact with one or both of their parents.
For the parent, that can be hugely hurtful. To have a child disappear from your life after years of caring for them is like a bereavement. But with the sad hope that they might one day come back.
Other familial estrangements are also far more widespread than you might imagine, because people don’t talk about them. But a rift between a parent and an adult child is by far the commonest. And in most cases it’s the child who creates the split.
Families have always fought, and relatives have always fallen out, of course. And the idea that children are finding it easier to separate can sound like something positive. For example, getting away from a parent who has been abusive. But estrangements are also very common where there’s been no abuse of any kind.
Divorce heightens the risk. Many estranged children’s parents are divorced. The children of divorcees are also much more likely to dump their fathers than their mothers.
Personality traits in the child such as perfectionist thinking and intolerance of others’ opinions can also play a big part.
The rise in individualism is another important factor. Young adults are increasingly likely to cut out a parent who they feel is reducing their sense of well-being in some way. Perhaps while discussing lifestyle or career choices, for example.
Increasing geographic mobility is also a factor. Children who live at a distance from their parents often become estranged after a disagreement, while families who live close by tend to patch things up.
Children who have begun to break off contact with their parents often go looking for support online. They find blogs, posts and threads on internet forums, written by total strangers, who label people they’ve never met as narcissistic or harmful. Often with the word toxic in the title. And which advise an immediate end to all contact. Which makes it easier for an estranged child to put aside feelings of guilt.
Therapists can inadvertently encourage estrangements by suggesting that family dysfunction is a factor in personal unhappiness. But while it can be, it very often isn’t. Therapists need to evaluate what they hear with great care. Stories of flawless parenting are never taken at face value, for example. So neither should an adult child’s claim that a parent has abused them be accepted without further investigation.
Trying to bring families back together is important, because estranged children don’t only make their parents unhappy. There are also often bad consequences for the child. Few young adults can imagine just how valuable parental support can be throughout their lives, or how an estrangement will affect their future relationships. Potential romantic partners are really put off by a history of family strife, for example. Because it suggests poor relationship skills, rigid or idealistic thinking, and the possibility that one day, they too may also be cast aside.
