We all enjoy love stories, but what you usually see in films and TV series isn’t love at all. It’s infatuation. So what exactly is the difference?
Infatuation starts with that magic moment when someone is suddenly ‘special’. A glance that goes straight to your heart, and suddenly you can’t think straight.
Everything seems to revolve around them, and you live for your next encounter. Your beloved can do no wrong. But then a scary combination of hope and despair gradually takes over. The stuff of pop songs and bad poetry. Life becomes the famous roller-coaster. Moments of joy followed by agonising doubts.
Infatuation can strike anyone, which means there must be something biological about it. In fact, it’s totally hormone-driven and involves the same feedback loops in the brain’s reward systems that cause drug addiction. Which is why infatuation is so different from the development of real love.
Even if you get dumped, infatuation doesn’t stop, in fact it gets worse. So you feel you ‘love’ your partner even more. There’s also lots of activity in brain areas associated with physical pain, obsessive-compulsive behaviours, anger management and the areas we use trying to figure out what someone else is thinking. Does all that sound familiar?
Infatuation has a lot in common with what drives compulsive behaviours, which is why infatuation can so easily turn into an obsession. And why it rarely leads anywhere.
Often, someone you’re infatuated with turns out quite differently from what you imagined. So, if you suspect you’re a victim, it’s a good idea to take stock.
Because although infatuation’s exciting, it’s not love. It’s an unreasonable longing for blissful passion without trust, loyalty or commitment. In infatuation, it seems like your lover’s looks, wit and intelligence are perfect. But as you get to know them better, the things that initially fascinated you fade into the background. And you begin to see them as they really are.
Real love is very different, involving give and take, compromise, and working together towards common goals and values. It changes and grows as you live and build dreams together. Love brings out the best in you, and gradually the relationship between you and your partner becomes the way you define your lives. Your fortunes may change, but you’re always able to work as a team. Understanding and flexible so that your relationship grows stronger and more secure.
Love is about sharing emotions and enjoying each other’s company. Complete trust. Being able to depend on each other through thick and thin. It’s about raising children, long-term investments and growing old together.
Infatuation’s never like that. There’s no reality. You’re only ever together in bars or hookups, and you don’t become part of each other’s lives.
Lasting relationships are only ever built on love. So if you’re not sure about your feelings for your partner, take things slowly. Because if all there is between you is infatuation, you can be sure everything will end in tears!
