My sister Caro is persona non grata in my home

You will all remember how earlier in the year, my sister Caro, Mwisho wa Lami’s Cabinet Secretary for Misinformation, Miscommunication and Broadcasting Lies resigned from our family, citing ill-treatment as the key reason. 

Perhaps you need some background on how this came to be. If you remember, last December, my sister Caro came home after fighting with her husband Maskwembe over I don’t know what. It was an annual ritual - them fighting and she coming home. But this time it was different: she had a swollen face and scars and marks on her body.

“I will never go back to that beast again,” she declared when she arrived, “Had I not run I would be dead by now.”

We all were happy to have her. Of course, I knew that she would be back in Maskwembe, but I knew that it would be at a fee, a good fee. The good-for-nothing Maskwembe had never paid anything and we planned, sorry I planned, to use the opportunity to milk the fellow dry.

As usual, the first days were good, Caro was helping around with work at my place and mzee’s home. She would clean the house and compound and do other chores. Plus Caro is a lively person who made us laugh and cry tears of joy. Caro is a natural storyteller who is, however, known to add too much salt to her stories.

So, she found herself with increasingly free afternoons, and that meant that she started moving from home to home, telling many stories, real and unimagined, but mostly imagined.

She joined The Holiest of All Ghosts (THOAG) Tabernacle Assembly choir and this expanded her reach.

Needless to say, she started causing problems, creating conflicts between people, and even a fight. She had claimed that she caught Apostle Elkana, THOAG’s revered spiritual superintendent in a compromising situation with Anindo, Nyayo’s wife.

Anindo is THOAG’s choir leader and this claim cost the Apostle shame, Nyayo more shame, Anindo pain and suffering, and a beating from her husband.

That was not all. Soon, my father wasn’t on talking terms with my sister Yunia after some wild claims Caro made that I wouldn’t mention to protect our family’s dignity. My cousin Kizito almost separated from his wife Nimo after Caro had claimed that there was a man - not me - who visited Nimo every night.

In the meantime, Maskwembe was working hard to have Caro return. We, of course, wanted Caro to go back. She had become a nuisance, but not for free. He needed to pay, and pay well.

He promised to come for negotiations but did not come, claiming he was sick, and even said he needed Caro to help him recuperate. Caro left, for free. We were upset with her and told her as much. That’s when she resigned from the family in protest. And we never talked.

Until last week.

We were just seated at home with Fiolina admiring each other when we heard someone talk in the backyard.

“Is there anyone in this home?” the voice asked, loudly knocking on the door.

We quickly dressed properly and I went to open the door. It was my sister Caro. I was excited to see her. Fiolina too was happy to see her. They hugged. We went out and sat under the tree shade and we started talking. It was about 10am.

“And this home has no food baane,” Caro asked after about half an hour.

“Dear can you prepare something for us, I will prepare lunch,” Fiolina told me.

I left them talking and went to the main house, stepped into the kitchen and fixed lemon tea, warmed some already boiled sweet potatoes, fried three eggs and served them.

They were very happy.

“Wow Dre, we have known you for over 35 years and we never knew you could cook! You are such an amazing chef, you should be working for Hilton Hotel!” said Caro.

Fiolina added that she was impressed not just with my cooking, but my other helping hand in house chores. After breakfast, Caro started making Fiolina’s hair.

“The only thing that Dre doesn’t know now is how to make my hair,” said Fiolina, then added: “But I am sure that by the time schools open, he would have known.”

“Mlisema hakuna lunch hapa?” Caro asked at about 1pm.

“Don’t worry mlamwa,” said Fiolina, “We have lunch.”

She then asked me to go to the kitchen, cut onions and tomatoes as well as the liver into small pieces and boil water for ugali.

“I will come to cook the ugali and fry the liver after we are done,” she said.

“You are so lucky to have such an omuhusband Fiolina,” said Caro, “Maskwembe can never even switch on or off a radio. Someone must do for him.”

“I know,” said Fiolina, “Dre is so sweet, in fact, he is even better than me in cooking ugali.”

Then she said to me: “Dear why don’t you cook the ugali I will come to fry the liver?”

I agreed and left for the kitchen. As ugali water was boiling, I cut the tomatoes and onions; and the liver into small pieces. I then cooked the ugali and once it was ready I called Fiolina who came with Caro and fried the liver.

As they did so, I set the table for lunch.

“Mama Mia, the son of my mother knows how to cook ugali!” exclaimed Caro.

Fiolina said I needed just two days to perfect my frying skills.

After food they went back to making hair, Fiolina was the one now making Caro’s hair. At around 3pm, I asked to leave - I had missed Hitler’s. Fiolina allowed me to leave but asked one small favour.

“I will be preparing chapati today, which is a lot of work,” she started. “Why don’t you wash the utensils so that I won’t waste time.”

I washed and then left.

We didn’t know we had made a mistake. Caro left soon after I left - even before her hair was completed. Within half an hour, the entire Mwisho wa Lami knew what was happening in our home, with exaggerations.

“Fiolina amekalia ndugu wangu,” she told anyone she met, “My brother is sent around like a small baby, I don’t think it is normal.”

By the next morning, everywhere I passed people talked pointing at me. I needed no calculator to know what they were talking about. I went home that day and found my father seated with Caro.

Mzee asked me about what he had heard and reminded me to be a man in the house. I told him that it was my choice and I did not mind helping Fiolina with house chores and would continue doing so out of love.

“It is not love or out of choice my brother,” she said. “Wewe umepikiwa Madawa an huyo mwanamke, you are under a spell.” She went on.

“I have never seen a man wash a woman's clothes, mop the house and utensils while the woman is there sipping tea prepared by the man.”

She was exaggerating of course but what do you expect from Caro? She suggested that I take some amanyasi - libations - but I refused.

“I am a woman and I know what I am talking about, next the woman will kill you,” she added.

I told her that I was a different man.

“I am not as useless as your Maskwembe who only knows how to smoke bhang and beat you!” I said.

Caro asked me to keep Maskwembe out of the discussions. I left as we could not agree. I did not go to Hitler’s for I knew what the discussion would be.

In the meantime, Fiolina and I have declared Caro persona non grata in our home. Just because she can’t keep her marriage is no good reason to break ours!

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