Men fall into two groups when it comes to porn. Those who admit to watching and all the others, who lie about it! Huge numbers of women, especially young women, also watch porn nowadays, so it’s a part of many people’s lives. Does that matter? Opinions differ considerably, and research on porn is completely inconclusive.
It’s always been there, of course, but nowadays it’s freely available on the internet. And that’s not good news.
Because many young adults have come to think that porn is the way you have sex. They have very exaggerated ideas of how couples should behave together, with many boys thinking that sexual harassment is acceptable and that normal sex is boring, while girls develop distorted ideas about what’s sexy. Hence the young girls posting provocative pictures of themselves on the internet, though in reality they have little idea about what they’re doing.
And they all fear that they can never measure up, because of the way men are portrayed in porn as muscular, well-endowed and sexually dominant, while the women reflect totally unrealistic beauty standards.
Porn is also harmful because of the way internet sites lead viewers towards increasingly vivid content, making it harder to become aroused by intimacy in real-life. So it actually results in couples having less sex!
That’s because porn is designed to create a huge dopamine surge in a man’s pleasure and reward circuits, compared to when he’s making love to his regular real-life partner. And that gradually dulls his enjoyment of normal sex.
So if you often feel dissatisfied, and want ever kinkier sex, then you need to re-link your arousal to your spouse. And stop looking for things that produce more dopamine than she does. Because just focusing on what releases the most dopamine isn’t what’s best for your relationship. Real sex isn’t full of endless kinky novelty. Instead it’s relaxed, affectionate and playful.
So consciously associate sexual pleasure with your wife. Enjoy her kiss and her scent. Then that’s what will turn you on. And if turning off your computer’s a problem? Get counselling.
Having said all that, porn has it’s upsides, so long as you approach it in a mindful way. It can help couples to explore their sexual fantasies and gain a deeper understanding of each other’s sexual needs. But almost all porn fails to portray the emotional aspects of intimacy. So don’t lose sight of the emotional needs of the real life woman in your life.
And how can you protect your children? Well, assume they’re watching porn for a start - and lying if they say they’re not! Help them to understand how it makes everything seem far too intense, over-emphasises the physical, and neglects the emotional aspects of relationships. Encourage them to talk to you about anything that disturbs them. And above all, explain to them that making love is really all about caring about your partner, focusing on their pleasure, and being kind to them.
