You could be suffering from self-judgement, where you second guess every decision you make because you don’t trust your capability
I am the official gate and door locker in my home. It does not matter whether someone else did the closing and padlocking, I have to ascertain that they are indeed locked before I go to bed every night.
I just don’t trust anyone else to do it. I also ensure that the windows are shut. There was a time when I would check under the beds too, but even I had to admit that this was too obsessive and compulsive a behaviour, and made a conscious effort to stop it. If you must know, I recently celebrated eight years or so since I weaned myself of this abnormal habit…
Growing up, every evening I observed my father double-checking that the gate, doors and windows were locked, never mind that at some point the gate was simply five rows of barbed wired nailed to three wooden posts, which was not enough to stop a person up to no good from getting into the compound. One simply had to unhook a post from the wire holding it in place or crawl underneath the barbed wire at the bottom to get in.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
I would like to attribute my behaviour to my father’s security conscious nature rubbing off on me, after all, it has been proven that our upbringing greatly influences the people we grow up to become. Unlike him, however, I don’t have a bow and arrow by my bedside like he did.
Many decades later, he still has his bows and arrows though he since moved them from the bedroom to a certain dark corner on your way to the living room. I, however, never saw him look underneath a bed, therefore I wonder what triggered that irrational behaviour, an action that was obviously triggered by illogical fear – I am glad that I managed to kick the habit before it got out of hand.
I did a little reading and was comforted to learn that my gate, door and window checking habit cannot be defined as obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, if only because I do the checking just once and the fact that I have never felt the need to wake up in the middle of the night to confirm what I confirmed before I went to sleep.
What keeps you awake at night? What is that which prevents you from functioning to your optimum or living life to the full? What are those recurring fears that prevent you from moving forward? That keep you rooted on the same spot? And I am not talking about fear that compels you to look under your bed every night, I am talking about significant fear such as fear of failure, fear of the unknown and anxiety about what the future holds.
You could also be suffering from self-judgement, where you second guess every decision you make because you don’t trust your capability. Or perhaps you rely too much on what others think or require approval to feel a sense of accomplishment. Or it could simply be the fear of speaking up and daring to go beyond your comfort zone.
A psychologist would probably tell you that it’s all in the mind, that you have the power to wean yourself of all these restricting and destructive behaviours and thoughts. It may not happen overnight, but with consistency, you will eventually push through these barriers.
The writer is editor, Society & Magazines, Daily Nation. Email: cnjunge@ ke.nationmedia.com
