When dark secrets crawl from the past to hurt you

Nereall Bosire’s positive energy is contagious, and palpable. As I talk to her, it is hard to imagine that she was a victim of material non-disclosure; self-incriminating information that should be disclosed by a partner before marriage.

“I had met Joshua, not his real name, at a mutual friend's wedding where we were both on the line-up and we had been friends for a long time,” explains Nereall.

She always thought of him as a platonic friend although he wanted more than friendship, it seemed.

When another man showed interest in Nereall, Joshua lied to him that they were engaged and set to get married that year.

“Things moved so fast and I’m convinced Joshua cast a spell on me. A man who I had never perceived in a romantic way was suddenly ‘my dream man’ and I would not listen to anyone else who thought otherwise,” confesses Nereall.

Wedding preparations were in high gear as they were set to get married in under three months. “The whole time I was like a zombie and in hindsight there's no logical explanation as to how I was in total agreement with the arrangements,” she says.

Nereall, who was pursuing her Master’s degree then, and was in the middle of examinations, says she started noticing odd things.

“For instance, Joshua would disappear for days with his phone off. He did not even appear for our final pre-marital counselling session on the eve of our wedding,” explains Nereall.

Later that evening he gave her a tongue lashing embarrassing her in front of her entire bridal party before storming out of the house.

Her team told her those were teething problems, which would pass, although her mum was upset as she was against the rushed wedding.

Nonetheless, the wedding still went on the following day. During the honeymoon, Nereall noticed Joshua wasn't really interested in consummating their union. “I found this odd as we hadn't had any sexual relations before,” she says.

Their short troubled marriage barely lasted for six months. “Looks can be deceptive,” says Nereall. “Joshua was the perfect gentleman — tidy, gentle, meticulous and handsome. I assumed he was metrosexual and never once questioned his sexual orientation,” she says. However, after they got married, he started complaining about her cooking and how ‘fat’ she was.

“Then Joshua invited a gentleman he introduced to me as his cousin to come and live with us. His cousin, Peter, not his real name, would cook for us and I noticed he also washed my husband's underwear. With time, they started sharing underwear, which I found weird. Joshua would spend a lot of time in Peter's bedroom claiming his cousin was going through issues and needed someone to talk to. They would go out together and when I asked if I could join them, they would laugh and say I was not invited. One evening I found them applying make-up before going out, but they just laughed it off. The whole scenario didn’t feel right and I felt like Peter was my co-wife. With time, I noticed I was competing for my husband's attention with Peter and asked that he leaves our house,” explains Nereall.

“The following day, Joshua’s ‘cousin’ left our house but came back later and they left with my husband. Joshua disappeared for three months and only came back later after falling out with ‘his cousin’. When he reconciled with him, he would leave me again. There was barely any intimacy between my husband and I. In between all this I got admitted to hospital with high blood pressure and Joshua left me in debt after beating me to a pulp where I was rescued by the neighbours. The magnitude of the betrayal and deceit was too much and I filed for divorce, which was granted three years later.”

“Today, I encourage people not to walk into marriage blindly. Do your homework, advises Nereall. She runs a blog; www.nereall.wordpress.com and on social media; Facebook as Nereall, Twitter and Instagram as TheRealNereall, where she shares ideas for better relationships against the background of a lot of deception going around.

Richard Kiilu, an ordained minister of the gospel, attests to the fact that’s “Withholding of material facts is ground enough to dissolve a marriage union. Your HIV status, sexual orientation, children out of wedlock, practice of African science (witchcraft), or medical conditions that can negatively and permanently affect a marriage upon discovery should be disclosed before marriage,” explains Kiilu. “I might not reveal some of the cases I have counselled due to their sensitivity and confidentiality I’m entrusted with, but I can confirm that there is a lot of wilful deception going on,” he says.

RISING CONCERN

“Sexual malfunctions like erectile dysfunction has become a rising concern. Unfortunately, most men can never admit they have a problem rising to the occasion and it’s often the women who come to us, pastors, to seek counsel,” reveals Kiilu.

He discloses that a man will enter a marriage knowing well that he cannot function at the junction but he will not tell his partner. This is quite common among religious people, especially those that have to wait for marriage to consummate their relationships.

“The biggest problem we have is getting the man to accept he has a problem and that needs to seek help. This puts a strain on the newly-weds because sex is an important component of marriage,” says Kiilu.

“Erectile dysfunction can be corrected with modern science, but we need to take the man to the doctor first,” he says.

Anna*, who did not want to reveal her identity, says she witnessed deception first-hand when her cousin married a lady who did not disclose she had a two-year-old daughter. “My cousin had met the little girl but his wife-to-be had lied that she was her niece.

He only learnt the truth two months after their grand wedding when he discovered the little girl’s birth certificate in the house and confronted his wife, who confessed she feared he would leave her if he knew the truth. The man summoned her family and later filed for divorce,” explains Anna.

“I have also encountered ladies who’d rather die than disclose they have a child out of wedlock,” says Kiilu. “This is one of the most common complaints we receive from couples planning to get married,” he says. Kiilu cites an incident where a man discovered during dowry negotiations that his fiancée had a four-year-old child.

The lady was not too lucky as the man, who could not reconcile with the fact that his wife-to-be had lied to him, left her. “The baby was not the issue, but rather the non-disclosure. The man in question later married a lady with a 16-year-old child, who was bold enough to come clean from the beginning,” explains Kiilu. Unfortunately, for every woman who reveals she has a child out of wedlock, there might be 20 men who will never reveal they have children, he notes.

“I always advise couples to reveal material facts, which when discovered have the potential to ruin a relationship.” Kiilu notes that abortion is another tricky affair if not disclosed as it could lead to infertility in future, especially if it was a backstreet abortion.

HIV status is another area that couples refuse to divulge. “We have had cases where people blame pastors for joining them in holy matrimony with a HIV positive partner,” says Kiilu.

DISCLOSE STATUS

“Love your partner enough to disclose your HIV status. Let them make an informed choice,” cautions Kiilu, who equates someone who wilfully hides their status and infects their partner to a murderer. “As a church, we do not discriminate against those that are HIV positive or stop such weddings but it is only right to know what one is walking into. This way, both parties are well prepared for any eventualities. We don’t leave it to chance,” he says.

Kiilu stresses the importance of courtship to unearth all these materials. However, the hardest thing to disclose is a person’s sexual orientation, he says.

“But the fact that we condemn homosexuality so intensely does not wish it away. It is happening even in church and we are not in denial,” says Kiilu. “Does it mean that if you love God these struggles with sexuality end immediately? No. I have dealt with a number of cases where one partner did not disclose their sexual orientation and they were either bisexual or homosexual,” says Kiilu.