When Hellen Kahaso Dena, her husband and their two children moved to a stand-alone house in Ngong almost three years ago, the family was excited about the change. But while the new home offered more space and privacy, there were fewer children for their own, aged 10 and six, to play with.
Her son quickly made friends with boys in the neighbourhood and joined them for football. Her daughter, however, struggled to find girls her age and began to feel isolated.
“Previously, we were living in a very big estate with a lot of children, but the move to Ngong was really a change because we are now in a stand-alone house with not many children around. Most of the children are older, and interestingly, most are boys,” she tells Parenting.
Hellen and her husband have a son and a daughter. Their son quickly made friends and, by the second week, was playing football with the other boys. But their daughter struggled.
“She used to complain that she didn’t have any girls her age here to play with. During the holidays, other children would sometimes visit neighbouring homes, but most of them were boys. They would play football, and you know how rough boys can be, so our daughter couldn’t keep up.
Hellen Kahaso Dena is a mother of two living in Ngong.
Photo credit: Pool
“For some time, she was really unhappy and would ask, ‘Mummy, why did we have to move to this place?’ I had to get creative because, having decided that we needed a stand-alone house for many reasons, we were not going back to the other estate,” she says.
As a way of keeping both children engaged, Hellen did away with their nanny and now has a cleaner who comes in three days a week.
This has given the children more opportunities to participate in everyday household activities and learn practical skills as they grow.
“The challenge with this generation is that if there is nothing to do, they will sit and watch television all day. Now, when my children wake up, they have breakfast, clean dishes, make their beds and tidy up their rooms.
“In the evening, they help me prepare dinner. It teaches them that we need to work together and be responsible.”
That intervention is working well for the family, helped by their flexible work arrangements.
“My husband and I work from home, so we are also able to support and supervise the children and even discipline them,” says Hellen.
At the beginning, she says, they came up with a timetable for their children’s chores and pinned it in their bedrooms, but unfortunately, it was not working very well.
“We then decided to establish a routine so that we don’t really have to be strict on the time. Sometimes we also allow them to sleep longer hours when they are not going to school, so that they can wake up at around 8am or 9am instead of 6am, for instance. Then they have their breakfast, clean the dishes and do a few topics in the holiday book. After that, I encourage them to go out to either play or do something in the garden for about an hour, then they come back for lunch.”
Additionally, she says the family has invested heavily in board games, which they encourage their two children to play together when they are at home.
They also have two hours set aside for screen time, allowing the children to learn and stay exposed to what is happening in the outside world.
“Since both my husband and I have two phones, each of us gives one of our phones to our children during their screen time, then after that, they return them to us. My daughter, for example, likes watching children’s reality shows while our son plays soccer games.
“We deliberately decided not to buy tablets for them to limit the urge to keep the gadgets inside their bedrooms. We normally discuss with them what is good for them to watch and what is not.”
The schedule, she says, works perfectly during school days. The trouble comes during school holidays, when their children’s routines change for several weeks.
“A couple of days when they are at home on holidays, we also have a tutor who comes to teach them French lessons at home to keep them busy because after each lesson, they are given assignments to practise during the day. These are activities that my daughter freely does with her brother so that she doesn’t feel lonely. Once in a while, we watch a movie series as a family, then do devotion and go to bed,” she says.
Occasionally, the family also organises playdates with friends from school or church, who either come over or host their children. These playdates, she says, mostly work in her daughter’s favour.
“I normally prioritise friends who have girls so that my daughter gets to interact with them. Sometimes her cousins come over for a few days over the holiday to bridge that gap. My son also gets time to play with my nephews who also visit us.”
When relatives are not visiting, she says, their network of friends comes through.
“We ensure that there is a parent supervising them just to make sure that children are well taken care of without them being left alone. We also ensure there is some food and snacks for them.”
But with some holidays lasting more than eight weeks, such as the coming November-December holiday, Hellen says she spends much of her time training her children to do things for themselves, such as loading the washing machine, ironing and getting everything right, including preparing simple family meals.
“That way, the hours of the day are taken care of such that my daughter, to be specific, does not feel that she is missing out on playing, even though playing is a key part of the children’s upbringing. She also has time in her room playing with her dolls when she is supposed to be playing but lacks peers to play with.
“There are times my daughter tells me, ‘Mummy, can we play a board game with you?’ And I do it with her for about 45 minutes. That also creates room for me to bond with my daughter,” she shares with a smile.
Prayer sessions are another opportunity where, she says, the family of believers comes to their home and her daughter gets to interact and play with her peers, as most parents show up with their children.
“I also allow my children to speak with their family and school friends on WhatsApp calls to catch up. At the end of the day, they do not feel that they miss out on friendship. On the flip side, reducing their interaction with their peers is also helping me to reduce the kind of behaviours they can be picking up from others,” says the mother of two.
In Thika, we meet Jackline Wanjiru Mwangi, a mother of two aged 11 and seven. Her challenges are not very different. She currently lives in a neighbourhood with only four neighbours, whose children are adults and therefore cannot play with her children.
Jackline Wanjiru Mwangi is a mother of two living in Thika.
Photo credit: Pool
“Moving to this new town was really a shock for my children because, for me, I am an adult and I was already working here in Thika before we relocated. In fact, I love privacy, so the place is okay for me.”
When Jackline had her firstborn daughter, she was living with her family in Nairobi, where there were many neighbours with children. This made it easier for her daughter to play with friends her age. The family later relocated to Thika because of work.
“The estate we were living in with my family was very secure, and children would play outside as late as 7pm. But now, when I moved from Nairobi to Thika, things changed for my children, who used to have neighbours’ children whom they used to play with from different schools, backgrounds and races. Now they have come to an environment where there are no children to play with,” the mother of two says.
Jackline, who recalls having more fun while growing up in the village, where she spent much of her time with her peers, attributes the difference in her children’s social lives to a generational change.
“Our parents did not have money to buy toys for us. We had creative ways of making our own balls and dolls using plastic bags and old clothes. We also used to be busy visiting each other in their parents’ houses, but we are now in a different world where our children are not experiencing that. They are also more tech-savvy, and they know what they want in life.
“I think that it is a good thing raising children who have a lot of confidence and are able to articulate themselves and speak with authority when they do,” observes Jackline, who is an advocate of the High Court of Kenya.
Due to the nature of her job, her children spend much of their time with their nanny when they are not in school.
As a mother, she understands that her children need a lot of playtime with their peers, even though their new environment is limiting them.
“I am glad we have social places like schools and churches where my children go for catechism classes and find children around to play with. At home, they just stay in the house playing with toys and watching television.”
At home, she has also invested in musical instruments and artwork that her two children enjoy as they keep busy after doing their homework. She is also intentional about taking them to participate in outdoor activities.
“Most of the time my children are with our house help, and so the only time I spend with them is during weekends when I am not at work. So, I take them for swimming, which they love. They normally get excited when they are going out because that also means they are going to eat out and enjoy eating what we normally don’t cook at home.
“I try as much as possible to involve them in activities like choir practice and children’s masses at the church,” she shares.
During holidays, when her children feel particularly lonely because they have more free time, Jackline takes them to their grandparents, where their cousins also come over and play together.
“My parents are usually at home, so my children don’t lack company because they have people to interact with. We also have a neighbour who usually sends their children to my parents’ place to play during the day when schools close because I think that they are also lonely at home,” she observes with a smile.
When children play with their peers, they learn how to communicate, share, tolerate each other and regulate their emotions — skills they need later in life. This is according to child and adolescent psychiatrist at Aga Khan University Hospital, Dr Sarah Wawa.
Dr Sarah Wawa is a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Aga Khan University Hospital.
Photo credit: Pool
“If children don’t have a good foundation earlier on, their attitudes might be affected later in life when they become adults. It is good for children to have adult interactions, but since most adults are not playing with children, what is happening is that they give children gadgets or children have to figure out how to play by themselves,” Dr Wawa says.
The sad reality, she reveals, is that a child who grows up lonely can also be affected into adulthood.
“There is something called social isolation theory, which has shown that people who are socially isolated, for example, if you migrate from your home area to another place where you don’t know people, are at increased risk of having mental health issues, mood disorders and anxiety because they do not have that social capital and have not learned how to interact with other people.
“A child who has been in isolation might think that things should go their way without getting any resistance because they do not know how to share and live with other people,” observes Dr Wawa.
At the same time, she notes that the reality of children not playing with their peers might be easier for younger children to navigate than for older children, particularly adolescents, who are beginning to form their identities.
“Adolescents need to belong to a crowd, but if you are always isolated, then you are missing all of that. Mostly, when a child is not able to interact with their peers, then they are trying to bridge that gap in other ways, such as spending a lot of time on screens, which affects their concentration, attention, memory and sleep — things that they need at school.”
“If a child does not sleep well, everything, including their moods and energy levels, gets affected the next day, even when they go to school.”
She adds that parents also need to be deliberate about building their own community of people who have children the same age as theirs because when children play with their peers, they benefit more than when they play alone in isolation.
“Parents need to always think of the best interest of a child and sacrifice for the child instead of living in an apartment that is very convenient for you, but your child cannot play or interact in that space.
Children watch television.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
“Allowing children to participate in physical activities helps them to control weight, have a healthy heart and lower the risk of getting lifestyle diseases like diabetes and high blood pressure, not just in childhood but later on. We have seen children who are sedentary having these diseases earlier in life,” she warns.
Allowing children to interact with other children, she adds, is more important than simply letting them sit and watch television or play a game, which she says are passive activities that do not allow children to use their brains to think or solve problems.
“Children tend to learn a lot of things when they are participating in outdoor activities like running, where a child will learn that if I don’t jump, I will fall, so I have to jump. Being outside also helps children to coordinate better, which is also helpful for their general health,” adds Dr Wawa.
