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The Kenyans turning positive self-talk into a way of life
What you need to know:
- We need to be clear and intentional that we are also not becoming delusional.
- We do believe that the more you speak positively to yourself, the more you’re able to fight negative thoughts and also look at negative situations in a way that you can handle them better.
While most people stand before their mirrors in the morning as a matter of grooming, Nixon Nyadiero Sekoh does more than just spruce himself up. He fixes his gaze on his reflection and talks to himself.
“I look at myself and say, ‘Sekoh, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Sekoh, you have the image of God. Sekoh, God died for you. Sekoh, you can do all things – not some; all things – through Christ who strengthens you,’” he tells Nation Lifestyle.
“I also read a quote by Nelson Mandela every morning, and also before I sleep. The quote is, ‘It [always] looks impossible until it is done.’”
Mr Sekoh, a 54-year-old who works with a local bank and who describes himself as a transgenerational leader, believes in the power of self-talk.
To individuals like him, daily affirmations are the fuel that runs their systems.
Says Mr Sekoh, “All the great people in the world use affirmations every day. It makes you believe in yourself and also in others. It makes you believe that there are still good people in this world. It also makes you believe that once you put your mind to something and you diligently decide to follow it, you’ll get it. You begin by affirming yourself, then others affirm you.”
Speech trainer and author Bennyhinn Walubengo is also a firm believer in affirmations. He writes them on sticky notes and scribbles them on his books, and they often contain declarations or Biblical scriptures.
“I say every day: ‘Nations and kings shall seek after me,’” says the 23-year-old. “When I say ‘kings’, I understand what kings have. Kings give access. Kings hold the keys to nations.”
Mr Walubengo says he cuts off people who use remarks like “maisha ni kung’ang’ana (life is all about struggling)” or “maisha ni kusukuma (life is all about pushing)” or “tunajikaza (we are persevering)”.
“I don’t believe in trying. I don’t believe in ‘if’,” says Mr Walubengo, the founder of iSpeak Society, an organisation that conducts training on public speaking among other services.
“I do not show partiality in anything. It’s either I’m doing it or I’m not. That aspect is very key. Anyone who speaks a language of failure or a language of trying, I avoid them. I can love you, but from a distance — because love is a commandment; relationship is a choice,” he adds.
Working with Mr Walubengo is Samson Maluki, who is also a fan of affirmations because he believes they transformed him from a pessimist into someone who looks at the bright side of life.
“There was a time when I was super negative, until a friend of mine introduced me to that kind of thinking,” he says.
Mr Maluki packages his affirmations in sticky notes, journals and as notes on his phone.
“In [my phone’s] notepad, there’s a place where I’ve just written my affirmations,” says Mr Maluki, part of the marketing team at iSpeak Society.
Some of the affirmations, he says, contain remarks like “I am positive”, “I am capable”, and “I am confident”.
“Whichever works for you, go with it, but make sure you have it written down,” he says.
Another advocate of using affirmations is Betty Mulemia Simiyu, a financial services industry expert. In the recently released book Self-Sabotage, she advocates for having an abundance jar.
“Write affirmations or reminders of your worth and drop them in a jar. Revisit them during moments of doubt,” she writes.
Thanks to that line of thinking, it is not uncommon to find individuals with all manner of writings in their personal and work spaces, most of which are outside their capabilities.
Psychologists say self-affirmations can go a long way in enhancing productivity.
“Self-talk is a technique we use on our clients. We teach them to speak positively when they are faced with negative thoughts or a negative situation so that they can rewire their thinking,” says Ms Esther Mbau, the lead counselling psychologist at Kipepeo Training Consultants. “It is a technique under CBT—cognitive behavioural therapy, and we do advocate for it.”
Dr Eunice Githae, a senior lecturer and consultant psychologist at Kenyatta University, says that affirmations are a basic human need.
“I usually say that human beings have got three very basic needs. That is appreciation, recognition, and affirmation. They’re so important, especially for the young children, that if they’re not given in their right measure, that person may grow up and start seeking the same from the world,” Dr Githae told Nation Lifestyle.
“The good thing with self-affirmation is that even if other people don’t tell you you look good, and you look at yourself in the mirror and feel you really look good, it gives you a boost for that day. I think a lot of people are mean with words. Sometimes they don’t want to tell you when you’re looking good; they don’t want to tell you when you’ve done well. They don’t want to recognise you for who you are.”
Dr Githae notes that the power of self-affirmation is well understood among mind experts.
“It has been studied by psychologists and it is already known that when you give yourself this positive self-talk, you release the feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin, and you start feeling very good about yourself.”
However, there is a flipside to self-affirmations. You risk living in fantasy.
“We need to be clear and intentional that we are also not becoming delusional. We do believe that the more you speak positively to yourself, the more you’re able to fight negative thoughts and also look at negative situations in a way that you can handle them better. However, let us be careful not to become delulu (delusional) and begin thinking everything will now be positive.”
“The only thing we need to remember at the end of the day is that we are in control of who we are, what we say to ourselves, and how we behave. But we cannot control the world and everything else that is outside of us,” she added.
Mr Walubengo said he puts guardrails on his affirmations by being practical.
“You don’t just declare things out of lust. Lust is not only sexual; it can be even in terms of money. I can’t just begin saying, ‘I want to be a billionaire.’ There must be perfect alignment to it,” he says.
Dr Githae notes that affirmations should also not go beyond a person’s value system.
“You want to stay within your value system. For example, I am a Christian. If I say God loves me, or Jesus loves me, then that is good for me, because I am a Christian, I believe in Jesus Christ and all his positive feedback towards me. Now, if someone from a different religion, say a Buddhist, says ’Jesus loves me’, for them it wouldn’t make sense. So, we want to align our affirmations with our value systems,” she said.
The three men who are into the daily affirmations practice say they are also consumers of motivational speeches, sermons, books, videos and podcasts.
In his book The Gen Z Parent: From Confusion to Connection, Mr Sekoh writes that every day “I listen to at least one sermon by Joshua Selman”.
Rev Selman, a Nigerian preacher, is one of Mr Sekoh’s role models. Others are his mother, Jesus Christ and preachers Myles Munroe, Julian Kyula, Apostle T Mwangi and Bishop JB Masinde.
In his interview with Nation Lifestyle, he explained how he consumes the content from the people he idolises.
“One thing I do is read books,” said Mr Sekoh. “In a month, I read a minimum of three books. Two, I listen to podcasts of people who influence my life. I listen to podcasts for at least two hours every day.”
He notes that in a typical day, he dedicates three hours to study.
“One hour is just complete silence. There’s nothing – no music, just concentrating on either the book I am reading or the podcast I’m listening to. And I listen to podcasts that are both Christian-related and relatable,” he said.
You will find Mr Sekoh carrying in his wallet a business card printed with the words of what he aspires to become. On the opposite side, the card contains the Bible verse: “Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and it will be opened unto you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”
Mr Walubengo, on the other hand, employs various tactics that include meditation.
“One, I do a lot of scriptures. Two, I do a lot of meditation,” he said.
He also believes in staying with people who “trigger his energy”.
“If you don’t trigger something in me, my mind will switch off quickly. I’ll not help it. I can interact with you, but not past a certain extent. I’ll put boundaries,” he tells Nation Lifestyle.
Zambian billionaire preacher Julian Kyula is one of his role models, and he notes that he recently visited Zambia for five days to spend time with Rev Kyula.
“He gave me three hours of his time in a meeting where we are discussing minerals and they were mentioning trillions of dollars,” he says, adding that he also used to sit with renowned orator PLO Lumumba “for stories”.
On Mr Walubengo’s desk is a drawing book containing various writings, some which are his targets for the year. The book is full of Biblical scriptures that power him.
For Mr Maluki, listening to motivational videos on YouTube is therapeutic.
“I’ve been reading books as well,” he says. “But my main source of information is videos or audios. I often go online and search motivating videos, then I listen in.”
