Virginity: We're waiting until marriage despite peer pressure
From left: Nusybah Nyasoro, Osewe Daniel, Snighter Achieng and John Kariuki Kinyanjui
A few years ago, the value placed on virginity by society, especially on young women, was huge. Those who were not virgins as brides were pariahs. But as the world becomes liberal, so does our culture.
Few find joy in waiting. The average age of sex debut in Kenya now starts from 16, according to the latest Kenya Demographic and Health Survey report, with marriage starting at 21 years. Younger generations are now talking more openly about sex, be it with their peers or oversharing on social media. Late starters are ridiculed.
MyNetwork spoke to four young adults on their take on the value of virginity in modern society.
Nusybah Nyasoro, 26, PR officer, Homa Bay
Nusybah Nyasoro.
As a Muslim, I believe we should value virginity just the way our grandparents and great-grandparents did.
It was such an honour for a woman to keep herself until marriage. From a young age, I was taught the importance of staying pure until marriage and the benefits, which include earning a partner’s respect. I also believe that a couple is more likely to maintain a peaceful marriage if they know that their relationship started when they were virgins. They get to enjoy a special, memorable moment. It will be easier for them to remain faithful to each other. Young Muslims are always told not to engage in haram relationships, even if there is pressure to do so.
A couple was expected to lie on white bedding the night after the wedding. This was used to test for virginity.
However, things have changed. The excitement and anticipation that came whenever a woman got married, with in-laws waiting by the door to pick up the bedsheets the next morning after the honeymoon night to confirm that she was a virgin, is slowly fading away.
Currently, this practice is only upheld by old people. They seem to be the only ones who believe that one should remain a virgin until marriage. I am not sure if we should blame the elders for not teaching their children the importance of virginity or blame the younger generations for failing to uphold their parents’ values and principles.
Nowadays, adults who are virgins are considered immature or too conservative by their peers. This is especially the case for younger men. Some of them are eager to sleep with as many women as possible. There is a lot of pressure on young women to lose their virginity too.
I have also heard men say that they would never marry a virgin because they have no ‘experience’.
Some women brag on social media, boldly, about having had several men and flaunting the numbers as if it were an achievement. This peer pressure makes some feel left out, a sad reality.
As a young woman, I still hold my virginity in very high regard, perhaps because of my upbringing. I am incredibly conscious of the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.
Homa Bay is one of the counties leading in HIV/Aids infections and teen pregnancies, and I believe that some of the cases can be prevented through abstinence.
I would like to advise younger people to abstain until marriage. There is no honour in having an early sexual debut.
It only leads to guilt and remember, once you engage in sexual activities, stopping might not be easy.
Our elders should also place more emphasis on cultural teachings like the Madrassa classes for Muslims.
Osewe Daniel, 26, Clinical Officer, Kisumu
Osewe Daniel.
Abstinence can be challenging, but it is a choice one should make. Self-respect, sexual purity, and adhering to spiritual and cultural beliefs can greatly encourage youth to embrace abstinence.
However, I do not believe that virginity should be the primary reason for considering or rejecting a potential partner.
One of the things that will help encourage abstinence is for parents to have honest discussions about sexuality with their children.
This will uphold the values of purity, self-control, and the sanctity of the marital bond.
To date, people who manage to keep themselves until marriage are respected.
Abstinence is a sign of self-discipline and self-respect. The delayed gratification sets the stage for a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
But we all know that not everyone values virginity, and this is a sad truth.
The behaviour change has been influenced by societal influences, including exposure to media and a lack of comprehensive sex education from parents and other trusted sources.
This has come with harsh consequences. The results of early sexual acts include loss of self-respect, the risk of early pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases.
However, all is not lost. I believe that providing age-appropriate sex education to children is crucial. We need to let children know from an early age that their sexuality is important and that irresponsible choices could lead to diseases and even death.
This should be accompanied by open and honest discussions about the long-term benefits of abstinence.
John Kariuki Kinyanjui, 27, IT expert, Nairobi
John Kariuki Kinyanjui.
I think our parents are the last generation to place a high value on sexual purity, especially for women. My generation views sex differently: as a way of spending free time.
My take is that virginity is not necessarily a measure of a happy marriage. I would prefer to connect intimately with my potential spouse before marriage.
I know that this was shunned and unheard of in the past, especially in my culture, where there are lots of taboos about premarital sex.
Intimacy was sacred. A virgin would attract a hefty bride price and bring honour to her home. Those who did not preserve their purity were seen as an embarrassment, and at times the family would disown them.
This went a long way in discouraging both boys and girls from premarital sex. There were very few cases of single parenthood or children born out of wedlock.
Currently, peer pressure, lack of adequate parental guidance, early and unlimited exposure to adult content and lack of timely sex education have made it hard for young people to practice abstinence.
This has led to an increase in cases of abortion, STIs, and single parenthood. You gain a lot by delaying your sexual life. Look at a growing generation of bitter young women who have been left to take care of their children single-handedly.
If we are not careful, our world will soon be full of broken relationships with confused children who do not even understand what is going on.
It is high time we started promoting comprehensive sex education. For me, I will engage my children in sex education as early as possible because I believe that an educated mind makes better decisions.
Consider the potential consequences of your actions and prioritise your physical and emotional well-being. Talk openly with trusted adults.
Snighter Achieng, 25, waitress, Homa Bay
Snighter Achieng.
I blame society for watering down the value of virginity. People around us expect women to remain virgins until marriage, but men are not judged by the same standards.
If a man decides to sow wild oats, it is considered normal. That is where we all got it wrong. In a world where irresponsible sexual activities can cause deadly diseases, one needs to abstain until marriage.
I also believe that whoever can abstain from sexual activities until marriage, whether male or female, automatically earns respect.
As a woman, you earn so much respect and confidence, not just for yourself but also for your family. They will be revered for raising you well. The best part of getting married as a virgin is that even your husband will speak highly of you.
We are, however, in an era where young people are not interested in keeping their virginity.
Celibacy is unusual. Young people are looking for fun, and I dare say that is the reason they keep moving from one relationship to the next.
Peer pressure and easy access to mobile phones and the internet are other reasons for the moral decay of society.
Parents often give their children phones but pay little or no attention to how the gadget is used, yet social media has no filters and does not care whether one is a child or an adult. Let us also not forget that young people are very curious and try out what they see.
Another major gap is the lack of sex education. Many adults are unwilling to tell the youth what they need to know and instead tell them what they want to hear. When they make mistakes, we start blaming them.
The result is that so many young adults are living with guilt. There are lots of broken relationships and homes.
To get back on track, sexual education is key. I attended many sexual education classes organised by a non-government organisation back in school. We were taught about the different types of STIs and how to avoid contracting them. The lessons helped me. I knew where to draw the line. I was able to say “no” whenever I needed to.
