I met someone and discovered we are compatible in so many areas. Our future goals, plans, wishes and dreams rhyme. We have wonderful conversations. I feel like he is the man for me.
However, he is in crisis: lost a marriage three years ago, lost his job, and is being hosted by a parent. We've been on a date twice since we met in April, sponsored by him. He does small hustles whenever he finds them. He sounds intentional, but I can't seem to escape the fear of ’What if?'
It's sad to see a person struggling, and our instinct is to help. It's not an easy thing for an adult to be forced back to their parents' home. It must be a very stressful time for this person.
From all of us of goodwill, we wish him a quick bounce back. Now, to your question, the reasons you don't date people who are in crisis are numerous.
While you may sympathise with their situation, you should not forget that a relationship is a different thing altogether. It requires the presence of mind and the ability to commit.
If you, being at a better place mentally and emotionally, don't think on behalf of the person in crisis and know that they cannot sustain a relationship on top of the situation they're in, you'll have the greater blame in the end. And a greater loss to go with it.
Let's start with the positive reasons for not dating people who are battling a situation. Life is never perfectly peaceful, but by crisis, we mean overwhelming circumstances that leave a person unable to sustain themselves and depending on others just to get by.
Positive reasons are those unforeseeable events of life that overtake us at times but which often make us stronger.
It could be that this person's business climate changed suddenly, for example, or his company wound up unexpectedly. He may also have been dragged down by betrayal from a business partner or a spouse. Also, theft from employees or a coup de tat by a close associate can throw one off course.
It may also have been a long illness or expensive procedures that cast him down. In any case, if they take the experience positively, they will come out of it wiser and better. They will build again like they had done at first, but this time with more caution and understanding. The crisis will have become a baptism of fire that refined their character.
Nevertheless, you cannot date them while they're in this transition because they're on the move. You can support them as a friend if you wish, but you must not discuss love at this time until they're back on their feet. Only then can they know what they want in a relationship and articulate it.
We hope that they're poised for a powerful comeback, but you can't tell when it will happen and whether they'll still want you when it happens. Now, let us look at the negative reasons for setbacks - the possibility that this person is on a downward spiral that will last a long time.
Being in a crisis means that this person is not in their element. You can't tell who you're dealing with at such a time. Once the dust settles and they're back to their feet, you may be shocked by the strange person who emerges out of them. Someone you've never met.
Also, the crisis may never end. This may be their life moving forward. Perhaps they've given up. Perhaps their weaknesses have caught up with them. Perhaps this is not an accident as they may want to make it appear, but rather a consequence of poor management of their life.
Peradventure, they have been living on the support of a marriage partner who was waiting for them to grow up, but they got tired of waiting. It could also be that they were sustained by a career that they screwed up through laxity and irresponsible behaviour. Or they may be sinking into drunkenness and the instability that comes with it.
They could also have spiralled into an affair that disorganised them and made them lose balance in life. All these reasons point to character flaws that may or may not be fixed. If this setback came from the person's misdeeds and immaturity, the only solution is for them to learn and change. This is the hard part, and you cannot count on it happening before you see it.
You should be careful with people in crisis because they're usually very needy and cooperative, and you can mistake this for preparedness for love. A drowning man will clutch at a straw and you must avoid positioning yourself as a straw lover.
When a person recovers from a broken limb, what is the first thing they cast away? Isn't it the very crutch that they leaned on? And it's not out of ingratitude but rather the fact that they no longer need it. Lasting love needs genuine compatibility and not just a crutch in someone's crisis.
Lastly, you should avoid marrying people with whom you're connected by a problem because when the problem ends, so will your connection. Such people are also called comrades or fellows in suffering, and when the pain passes, they return to strangers again.
Always marry a confidant, someone you have grown to be each other's soul friends. Even if you started as comrades, your relationship must evolve from situational to personal before you attempt to invest your life in it.
