A few women have reached out to me in the recent past because they feel sad after sex. This reminded me of a study by the Queensland Institute a while back on this subject. The study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that 46 per cent of women feel sad, anxious and aggressive immediately after sex. This is a big proportion of affected women, which makes this a public health issue.
“Mine did not start today, I actually feel overwhelmed with emotion and cry after sex with my husband of 10 years. In fact I push him away in anger after sex!” one woman said when she came to the Sexology Clinic.
“I feel empty, like something important has been taken away from me and lost forever; it is a bad and frustrating feeling,” another woman said.
The sad feeling after sex, also called post-coital dysphoria, post-coital tristesse, post-coital depression and melancholy post-coitus is not a new phenomenon. Galen, a Greek physician, noted in 150 AD that every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the rooster. Later research has shown that in actual fact, even the human female sometimes does feel sad after sex, albeit once in a while and that males are similarly affected.
The condition is marked by strong feelings of sorrow, anxiety, uneasiness and even a deep sense of loss. It starts as soon as ejaculation or orgasm happens or just when sex ends. It can last for up to two hours.
Many patients have asked whether this feeling is normal or whether it is a disease that requires treatment.
“You see, I feel so sorry for my husband after I have aggressively insulted and pushed him away following sex,” said one lady. “I am sure he thinks that I do not love him or that I am abnormal to behave that way.”
It is important for you and your partner to understand the biological basis of post-coital sadness so that you know how to handle it. At the height of sexual excitement, the hormone dopamine takes control of your body. You literally stop thinking and the forces of nature take over to ensure that sex goes to completion. When sex ends, another hormone, prolactin, is released to reverse the effects of dopamine so that you regain control of yourself. Unfortunately, prolactin also has effects on the mood that lead to sadness and the other symptoms of post-coital tristesse and has been proven to be the biological origin of the bad feeling after sex.
Further, the excitement of sex causes people to make irrational promises. That is when you confess non-existent love, promise to be the father or mother of a child to be conceived, promise to buy someone a car, fly them for a holiday to Dubai and so on. The moment sex ends reality hits you. You realise that you have made promises you cannot honour. This causes anxiety and worsens post-coital sadness.
Freud, a sex researcher, explained post-coital sadness. According to him, the excitement of sex makes us feel connected, to be inside of another and vice versa. When sex ends, nature reminds us that we are still alone in the world! The feeling of togetherness is gone and that of loneliness sets in. This contributes to the frustration and sadness after sex.
If you suffered sex abuse as a child, your post-coital sadness may be worse. This could be because for you, sex is a reminder of that depressing incident.
For some people, it is the fear of contracting a disease that increases anxiety. At the height of sexual excitement, the thought of it does not bother you. Reality hits when sex is over.
There are relationship fears that are also dampened during sexual excitement. It is only after the excitement is over that you begin to question whether the person actually loves you or whether you have given too much to a stranger. You get anxious imagining that you could be considered sexually loose or perverted. You begin to worry about your image and what would happen if people got to know what you have done.
Culture and religion similarly contribute to post-coital sadness. It crosses your mind when sex is over that you could have sinned, that you could be rejected by your faith and lose all the benefits of your relationship with God. It is then that you also remember the ideals of your family and what your mother warned you about. These thoughts can be traumatising, making post-coital sadness a really bad experience.
While post-coital sadness is a call to better plan your sexuality, it is rarely so bad as to require treatment. Just by cuddling after sex, the sad feelings can go away in a few minutes. Sharing your fears and feelings with your partner can also help alleviate the short-lived suffering. In the rare instances where the symptoms are unbearable, seeking medical help may be necessary.
