Victims of infidelity describe it as the worst experience of their lives. PHOTO| Joe Ngari
|Saturday Magazine
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How to restore intimacy after an affair
What you need to know:
At 35 and nursing a two-month-old baby, Doris wanted to move back to her mother’s house. She wanted to end her three years of marriage with Geoffrey. She had just caught him red-handed.
The truth is out there: many married people are having extramarital sex. Both men and women are incriminated. This is what was reported in the recent Kenya Demographic and Health Survey. For many sexually active people in long-term relationships, therefore, be prepared to deal with this eventuality when it hits. This is what I told Doris when she came to the Sexology Clinic and explained her circumstances to me. She needed urgent advice to decide on her next course of action.
At 35 and nursing a two-month-old baby, Doris wanted to move back to her mother’s house. She wanted to end her three years of marriage with Geoffrey. She had just caught him red-handed. A woman sent photos to his phone and Doris tumbled on them. They were photos of Geoffrey with the woman having sex. The photos were captioned, “I miss this and looking forward to next Saturday and this time don’t run too quickly to your wife, let her nurse the baby and for once give me all the attention”.
“My husband says it was a mistake and that he will never repeat it,” Doris said, “I am heartbroken, I don’t want to see him.”
Also read: I am unable to forgive my cheat of a husband
Well, dealing with infidelity has never been easy. Victims of infidelity describe it as the worst experience of their lives. While a number of cases end up in separation and divorce, the majority of marriages continue and couples have to find ways of resolving the crisis and rebuilding their intimacy.
If you are one of those who have decided to stay put in the marriage and resolve the problem, the compromise you have to make is to avoid angry outbursts, insults, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. On the other hand, you must approach the crisis thoughtfully and with respect to the wayward spouse. Let’s face it, you do not want your spouse to find a reason for sticking to the other woman for sympathy and comfort.
We are all human and it is expecting too much to assume that you will be smiling and feeling good about an unfaithful spouse. You being respectful is, however, part of a game plan that must be executed prudently. First, demand that your spouse totally disengage from the relationship and fully separate from the other woman. Communication with the other woman must stop immediately and you must agree on how to monitor this. Honesty and sincerity on this is of utmost importance.
As part of managing the separation, your man should allow you to inform a few close family confidants of what has happened. This may include your pastor, your best couple, your parents and any other close friends of the family. These close confidants are important in ensuring accountability in resolving the conflict. They also ensure that the offending party is remorseful and that they do not repeat the mistake. It is important for you to note that infidelity is an addiction, once it happens, chances are high that it will recur and solving the current episode must take the future into account.
Remember, your spouse is not cheating because you failed to effectively play your role. Research shows that the commonest cause of infidelity is boredom and the weakening of intimacy. Both parties contribute to this situation. Similarly, the commitment of both parties is necessary for resolving the problem.
It is highly recommended that you learn to forgive if a solution has to be found. You cannot however forgive unless the issues at hand are discussed openly. Hence, once the wayward spouse has stopped the affair, your next immediate course of action is to have a tough talk as well as agree on the impact of the infidelity on both of you. Geoffrey needed to openly give his reasons for his actions. Doris needed to express her feelings and the damage caused by the infidelity. Do not be deceived, unless this difficult discussion happens in an honest and open environment, the resumption of sex, gifts or taking you for a holiday does not resolve the problem and restore trust.
The third course of action is to rebuild the lost intimacy. Both of you must commit to loving and caring for each other. This is something that you do not wait to happen. You must proactively look for avenues to rebuild your relationship. This can include couple seminars, books and videos on intimacy and couple coaching.
For Doris, if within a month Geoffrey was still maintaining communication with the other woman or even meeting her, then the next course of action would follow. The bitter truth is that under such circumstances the man is not able to separate from the affair. Unless Doris was prepared to have a co-wife, she was better off moving out of the marriage and trying to resolve the issue from the outside. The same action would be necessitated if the man becomes violent.
The most important thing in these matters is your values around sexuality and relationships. Do what gives you peace because there is no one solution that fits all situations. Remember that at the end of the day, your happiness is your responsibility and you must do what makes you happy.
