How to survive a divorce

What many anticipate as a structured process quickly becomes something far less predictable, that requires adjustment, reflection and in many cases, healing.

According to Muthoni, it is common for individuals to experience sudden waves of anger, relief, guilt, and even confusion during divorce.

“This is all part of the grieving process,” she explains.

Then there is the loss of identity, which, she says, is particularly common among individuals who had defined themselves entirely around the marriage.

“They will often have the quiet question: ‘Who am I now?’

Closely linked to this is what she describes as the adoption of limiting identities.

“There is a negative connotation around the labels ‘single parent’ and ‘divorcee.’ While there is absolutely nothing wrong with either label, some people internalise them in ways that reinforce a sense of failure or victimhood, making it harder to move forward.”

Muthoni says financial concerns are often at the top of the mind, especially for those who were used to surviving on two incomes. Social anxiety can also be present, particularly where couples shared friends or community spaces, with the possibility of one spouse finding themselves in isolation after friends and family choose sides being very real.

Decision fatigue

Divorce requires constant decision-making at a time when individuals are already emotionally strained. These are usually high-stakes decisions ranging from legal proceedings and how property will be divided, to new living arrangements, the children’s routines, financial adjustments and how to deal with extended family and friends.

“When someone is not adequately prepared, the sheer volume of decisions can easily lead to a state of overwhelm or even paralysis,” Muthoni says.

Even in difficult marriages, separation can create a sense of absence.

“It’s only human to crave community and connection,” she says. “And the nervous system is drawn to what is familiar, even when, logically, that thing is not good for us.”

This, she adds, is why statistically, it takes an average of eight attempts for someone to leave an unhealthy marriage.

The emotional strain of divorce can also manifest physically. Muthoni points to disrupted sleep, reduced energy, changes in appetite and brain fog as common reactions.

“Some people may resort to portraying a grandiose life on social media platforms, feigning extreme happiness or a don't-care attitude,” she says. “This could be a way of avoiding rather than processing the grief.”

Persistent anger or preoccupation with a former partner can also signal difficulty in coping.

“When conversations repeatedly circle back to blame or revenge over what the other person did, even after a prolonged period of time, it shows difficulty in moving past what happened,” she notes.

Persistent self-blame

Feelings of guilt and shame are also common, particularly among individuals who perceive divorce as personal failure.

Muthoni says this self-stigmatisation is often more pronounced among women.

“It is said that a woman builds or destroys her home with her own hands. This is part of a wife’s invisible labour, and it is for this reason that when a marriage fails, the bulk of the shame and blame falls squarely on the woman.”

Fear of starting over may also lead some individuals back into unhealthy relationships or keep them emotionally tied to former partners.

“They may physically exit the marriage, but remain in co-dependent relations with their ex,” she says. “Trauma bonds can also make it difficult to fully detach.”

So how can one navigate divorce intentionally?

Before filing for divorce

Muthoni cautions against rushing into divorce purely out of anger or fear.

“Be clear about why you want to leave. Some people act in haste only to regret it later on.”

Seeking professional guidance early, both legal and emotional, can help individuals avoid costly mistakes and prepare appropriately for what lies ahead.

To avoid ‘biting’ the hand that feeds you, Muthoni advocates for learning to stand on your own feet even before the divorce process begins.

“The most obvious one is financial independence,” she says. “If you are a stay-at-home spouse you need to start thinking about how you will provide for yourself. It is not safe to assume that your ex will continue to provide for you.”

This may mean seeking employment or creating alternative streams of income.

Beyond finances, she urges individuals to step outside rigid gender roles that and learn to do what their spouses would naturally do for them.

“There are things that some women are not able to do because it was always their husband's role,” she notes. These include things like how and when to renew car insurance, how to connect the gas to the cooker or even when the car is due for service.

Similarly for the men, some can sleep hungry because they don't know how to switch on the cooker or even where the plates are kept, she adds.

“And even if he were to hire help, he doesn't know where to find them or how much to pay.”

Emotional independence is equally important.

“In many relationships, one partner carries the emotional labour. After separation, both individuals must learn how to regulate themselves without relying on the other so they don’t end up turning to unhealthy habits to help them cope.”

During the process

Selecting legal representation differs individually because of contrasting priorities. For some, it’s simply about who is the most affordable. Beyond that however, the quality of service also matters.

“Are they general practitioners or do they specialise in family law? How long have they practised? Can they explain things in layman’s language? Is their location convenient for you?” Muthoni poses.

Compatibility is also key.

“You need someone you can get along with because you’ll be working together for some time and divorce is not just any other case. It requires patience, understanding and care.”

While the legal system is designed to resolve disputes, Muthoni emphasises that it cannot deliver emotional closure.

“Court is for resolution, not emotional justice,” she says.

She advises individuals to stay focused on the core issues, that is, dissolving the marriage, resolving property matters and protecting the best interests of the children, while avoiding unnecessary conflict.

“Not every battle is worth fighting.”

In particular, she warns against involving children in disputes or using them as leverage.

“For example, a man fighting for the custody of a three-month old baby who is still breastfeeding is unnecessary, especially if the mother is a good parent,” she says. “Similarly for the mothers, if a child is independent enough and their best interests lie with a father who is present, hands-on and non-abusive, you can give up custody for their well-being.”

After (rebuilding life)

Even when you are the one who chose to leave, divorce still involves a sense of loss.

“This is something that needs to be acknowledged and processed,” she says, adding that suppression could lead to bigger problems later on.

For many, divorce marks a return to self.

“You need to rediscover who you are beyond being a wife or a husband,” Muthoni says.

This may involve referring to yourself by your names and not as someone’s spouse, revisiting paused careers, continuing your education, reconnecting with hobbies or investing in personal health and wellbeing.

It can also mean rebuilding practically, from your finances and housing, to social and support networks.

“Friends may take sides, and some religious spaces might even excommunicate you, but this allows you to form new, more aligned communities. You eventually find your own tribe.”

Invest in healing

One of the biggest misconceptions is equating healing with entering a new relationship.

“Rebound relationships are often driven by fear of being alone or the need to fill a void,” Muthoni says. “But without healing, there is a high likelihood of not only hurting your new partner, but also repeating the patterns from the previous relationship. You can be fully healed and still choose to remain single.”

In a final charge, Muthoni encourages stepping into the new chapter because divorce is not the end of life. “There truly is life after marriage.”

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