I lied to my parents about my fiancée, now they say I can't marry her...

Hello, I am 32 years old. I have been dating this woman for four years now. I have been in the wrong each time, repeating the same mistakes. Now, my parents are mad and accuse her of my mistakes and now say I can't marry her. I have changed over the last few months and she has appreciated the change, but my parents’ attitude towards her remains unchanged. They can’t understand that I was the one in the wrong from the very beginning. What shall I do now? Should I continue dating her and marry her, or should I move on?
Edwin

READERS’ ADVICE

From your narration, the confounding issue is not your potential partner nor your parents. The issue actually is you. You do not know yourself, and until you seek and know yourself, do not make a major life decision.

Drive Counseling Centre, Nakuru

You are 32 years old and seem to have weak boundaries whereby you are involving your parents in your relationship every now and then. This has contributed to them having a negative attitude towards your fiancée. You need to have and show leadership as a man. Be discrete on your relationship, plan your life with a clear vision and make your fiancée feel secure with you. Respect your parents but have your own life where you are able to do things on your own without involving them always.
In the initial stages of dating, anyone is bound to make mistakes but being responsible enough to take charge, correct, and communicate even to your parents about your own personal growth in the right way, while defending your fiancée, will assist you big time.

Marriage Building Family

From your narration it seems your parents are pampering you. This is like bandaging a wound full of pus which can lead to rotting, which will affect everybody. Let your parents know that you are to blame, and you are the one to make them understand this. Don’t go on with the settling down plans without their consent. Remember, you need their blessings.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor Mitume PAG Church, Kitale

Four years of dating the same forgiving girlfriend means she knows your weaknesses and is ready to deal with them because she understands you better than your parents in the relationship context. This is a lady you met, established some mutual understanding then fell for each other without involving your parents. Meaning it shouldn’t be a must for you to consider their opinion on whether to marry her or not. The relationship or marriage is just between you and your woman, and has nothing to do with your parents.

Juma Felix
 

EXPERT OPINION

What you have confirmed is that you take ownership of your mistakes. You know that you have been wrong and you have worked towards correcting your ways. You need to maintain the same momentum and ask yourself whether your woman of four years makes you happy despite life’s ups and downs which are part of the process.
If your answer is yes, then your only option is to stay with her and make your relationship work. You need to understand that it is not your parents marrying her. It is you. You can leave her and end up with a woman who only makes your parents happy but for you it is a constant nightmare. Marry her because you want her in your life. Do not marry to tick a box. She needs to be your “I cannot live without you” kind of person. Make choices that make you happy and not anyone else.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

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David Ruto