Love that stands the test of time

At around 11am today or possibly even before, a smartly dressed bride and groom will be making their vows to each other, pledging ‘For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better, for worse, till death do us part.’

These phrases, though common in wedding ceremonies, have profound significance. The solemn vows remind us that even when life’s storms shake our commitment to the promises we made on our wedding day, enduring love for each other can be the fuel that carries us through.

Lukase and Primrose are a reflection of this. They married in November 2018 and planned to start their family two years later. However, Primrose enrolled in a hospitality school some months after the wedding, so they decided to postpone their plans until she was done with school.

In 2021, a year after Primrose graduated, the Lukases didn’t feel ready to start a family. They felt they needed more time.

“I had the coil removed and I conceived soon afterwards, but I did not know I was pregnant. We had gone for a couple’s retreat and I was feeling bloated, so I decided to take a pregnancy test,” she recalls.

While her pregnancy was smooth with no cravings at all, Primrose began experiencing excruciating pain in her abdomen after week 12. After numerous tests, it was confirmed that she had an ovarian cyst.

Primrose recuperated in hospital for a week and was discharged. However, the pain resurfaced two days later and she was re-admitted, then discharged after recovering fully.

“At week 16, I remember asking why my pregnancy was not growing and even as we progressed to week 20, the pregnancy was still the same.”

At week 30, Primrose woke up and could not feel the baby’s kicks. She went to hospital for check-ups in another hospital and after tests and scans, the Lukases were advised to have the baby removed and put in Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).

“Since we had shared with some friends and family about our pregnancy, of course, there was the normal ‘Keep us updated, we will pray for you’, but there were those who walked with us,” Lukase shares.

The baby was delivered but its health kept deteriorating. After a few days in the neo-natal intensive care unit (NICU), the machines were pulled off.

“They gave us the baby to hold for the last minutes. The doctor in charge prayed for us and since our baby was 800 grams, we allowed them to bury him in the hospital,” he recalls.

A day after, Primrose was discharged and they went home. By this time, close family and friends were in the know, and some would visit and only console Primrose, oblivious that Lukase was also grieving.

“Whenever people would come, we were very happy but when they left, we would be engulfed in sorrow. It would then dawn on us that they came because we were mourning,” Primrose admits.

At this vulnerable moment, the Lukases had a reawakening of the type of friends and family they had.

“One relative bashed me on a family group for leaving our baby in the hospital, which did not augur well with me so I left the group,” he says.

Because they were obviously struggling to come to terms with the loss, the Lukases sought help from a grief counsellor who helped them understand the loss of their child and its impact on them as individuals and as a couple.

“The support group really helped because first it was the only place we could call ourselves by the children we had lost. That is what we identified as. Through counselling, I was able to continue relating with parents and children well without having bad blood,” Primrose says.

After the loss and medical tests, the Lukases were cleared to get pregnant again, but they did not concern themselves much with the idea.

“We were at a point where, ‘if we get another baby, it’s okay but even if we don’t…it is not a must’,” he explains.

Around June last year, the Lukases conceived again. Primrose admits that she was not scared of carrying the pregnancy again, thanks to counselling, and shared the news with close friends and family.

“They were happy and prayed for us. For the first two trimesters, I never had any cravings, and I was really glowing and filled with joy. The third semester, I only craved ice cubes. I enjoyed eating them.”

In March this year, the Lukases welcomed a bouncing baby boy.

In sickness and in health

For Naliaka Nyaori, nothing could have prepared her for the life-altering accident her husband faced in 2013. Their marriage had been on an upward trajectory since they met around 1999-2000, to when they first settled down around 2021.

The two supported each other’s dreams and visions, a glue that held them together as they navigated life. As the couple accumulated wealth, properties, and expanded their family, life turned upside down in March 2013.

The Nyaoris were in the process of constructing their house when Evans (Naliaka’s husband) fell in a soak pit which was about 40 feet deep.

“The previous day, I had just handled a wedding and was so exhausted so when we got to the property, I wanted to lie down a little bit. I was woken up by our caretaker who pleaded with me not to worry as he had shocking news,” she recalls.

“I ran outside thinking it was my baby who had had an accident and saw a multitude of people surrounding the soak pit. When I peeped, I saw my husband and told him, ‘Sweetheart do not worry, help is on the way.’

I called a few friends who came and he was taken to hospital. He had passed out and was in bad shape.”

Tests conducted on Evans showed that he had split two discs and this affected his spinal cord. They spent months in hospital and within the first two and a half months, their medical cover had already elapsed, and their life savings were dipping slowly. Naliaka realised that the fatigue she had been feeling was tripled by the fact that she was expectant.

“My husband was counselled on the changes to expect in his body and life while church members and hospital staff prayed with me. This boosted our hope.”

However, reality dawned on Naliaka when they left hospital and Evans had to be taken home in an ambulance.

“When we got to the gate, the guards were not hospitable and hesitated to allow us in. I screamed so loudly, crying, and that is when reality dawned on me: How will I handle him when we are in the house alone?”

Naliaka admits that friends, neighbours and family were there for them during this difficult period, but only for a short while. They soon returned to their normal routines and were preoccupied with chasing their individual goals and dreams, including moving to different counties for work. Naliaka accepted their decision wholeheartedly.

“I accepted that life must move on and also accepted that people had gotten used to our situation.”

By and by, Evans has been able to make strides, health-wise. On a good day, he can walk for three kilometres by himself without support.

“He really loves working with his hands, say gardening, and that is my target. I’m waiting for a day when he will be able to do that. Right now, he is not yet able,” she adds.

The fabric that has held the two together, as per Naliaka’s confession, is Evans’s demeanour. “The fact that he still laughs and cracks a lot jokes…He is a lovely person.”

Naliaka shares that through the 11 years since the accident, the couple and their children have gone through guidance and counselling, and have come to accept their dad’s situation. In fact, they readily answer him when he calls.

For couples going through difficulties, Naliaka advises, “Hang on to hope and ask for help. If you want to handle someone who became differently abled because of an accident, please ask for help. Do not be quiet.”

Depending on one income

When the Marendes, (Cynthia and Eric) tied the knot in September 2018, both of them were flourishing in their careers as a nurse and head of commercials in media respectively.

The following year, Cynthia started experiencing heavy bleeding, and after tests, it was discovered that she had fibroids.

“I ended up having open surgery because the fibroids were big and many. He took care of me. He would clean up, make food and tend to me. My mother had requested I go back home so that she could take care of me, but he refused. For me, that was the first show of deep and honest love that endeared me to him more, and solidified our marriage,” she recalls.

Early 2020, just before Covid-19 came, the Marendes had a conversation about Eric’s job transition. He wanted to explore aviation, one of the careers of his dreams.

“I paid the fees with the monies I had saved. And although I did not start school immediately because of lockdown, we had started restructuring our lives to ensure that she would comfortably be the breadwinner,” he adds.

For Cynthia, taking the reins was not a difficult decision to make, not only because of his unwavering support when he was working, but also the rigorous pre-marital counselling that sort of prepared them psychologically for marriage’s twists and turns.

“Her decision to support me was really encouraging. In hindsight, I do not think I would have hacked it without her support. It would have been a mountain to climb,” Eric says.

Through all this, the Marendes received support from their family members but there were some friends who wanted to know why she was willingly supporting her husband.

“It has not been easy, but my parents have supported us. They make a harvest and send some food items our way. With the children coming, our budget is aligned again, so every month they send something to ease the ‘burden.

“Some couples have asked me how I am able to be the bread winner, but I do not tell my husband this. I feel like that will be beating him down,” Cynthia explains.

All things considered, she adds, Eric’s character has not changed. “He still supports me and the children (a toddler and infant), always showing up for us, and this makes it easy for me to show up for him.”

While he is now in the final stages of his studies, Eric admits that there are times he has felt as though he is not playing his role as a husband and father.

“The bigger picture is that we are in this season for a short while and in a few months things will change.”

Although the journey has been long because of financial difficulties, childbearing and other life challenges, Cynthia shares that she and her husband have learnt to hold onto each other.

“First, God has really anchored me. Second, I love the guy. This love thing is trouble. Now me and the children are all he has. He has been selfless with his time and support. He is kind. He has been generous through and through.”

In every relationship, arguments are inevitable and in this phase of their lives, the Marendes have been deliberate about extending grace and being kind to each other.

“We have only one rule: ‘We will always fight, so let’s fight fair.’ Under fighting fair, there is no shouting, silent treatment, or walking away amid an argument. We listen to each other as we talk and when either of us can’t hold it, we bite our tongues and count to 10.”

For couples going through a transition and depending on one source of income, Eric says, “Your wife is your biggest support. Having a good wife will take you to places you have never imagined.”

To wives in a similar season, Cynthia advises, “When you accept your spouse, believe that the man in your life is not there to hurt you or do wrong by you. In the end, extend grace and support each other.”

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