Relationships: How to let go of your ex without guilt

Naomi Auma had thought about quitting her relationship for one month. She was dissatisfied. She felt stuck in a relationship that had no future. “I had dated Joe, a former Member of the County Assembly (MCA) for eighteen months.

Out of these, he had been jobless for nearly twelve months and didn’t seem bothered. “He was too proud and lazy to look for another job. I was forced to pay his rent twice,” says Naomi, who is an anesthetist in Nakuru County.

Joe claimed the jobs available were below his class and that she was shaming him. “All he did was laze around waiting for a miracle that would resuscitate his political career,” says Naomi who is 33. 

In May 2018, she broke up with Joe. Naomi recalls that after unsuccessfully begging her not to leave, Joe spent the rest of the afternoon spamming her with messages. “He sent in multiple texts saying I was leaving him because he no longer had the money and influence he enjoyed as an MCA.”

When no more calls or texts came in from Joe, Naomi thought that he had given up on her. “I thought he had figured it out,” she says. Unknown to her, Joe had gone out with his friends on a drinking spree. On their way back home, they had been involved in a road accident along the Nakuru–Nyahururu highway. Naomi was flooded with feelings of guilt when she learned about the accident. When she visited him at the hospital, Naomi promised that she would never leave him again. “His legs were wrapped up in plaster. He kept begging me not to leave him,” she says. It is now two years since they got back together. Things have not improved. In fact, they have only gotten worse. Joe has never found a real job. Violence has become part of their relationship. Whenever she tries to leave, she is accosted with beatings and threats that Joe will harm himself or them both. “He once cut off the gas tube and threatened to light the house,” says Naomi.

Pity and guilt

All too often, many women like Naomi return and get stuck in bad relationships out of sympathy, pity and guilt. There are women who start new relationships but still see their exes on the side out of pity. There are others who are stuck in bad relationships and marriages out of fear of what their partners might do, for instance, where a partner threatens to commit suicide if you leave.

But these are just sympathy cards. Once you decide to leave a relationship, often the other person will respond by making attempts at drawing you back into the relationship. This could be through phone calls, text messages, online chats, or even delegations. Efforts to win you back can be accelerated in an event where your ex is involved in something that draws out your sympathy. This might include a personal loss such as death of a close relative, an accident or even sudden ailment.

Be very clear

The sympathy card is often played when an ex suspects that you’re not ready to break up or committed to carry through with the break up. Own your decision. Dr. Robert Taibbi, the author of Doing Couple Therapy says that you must be proactive and considerate in your response. “You need to have a fresh policy of communicating with him. For example, you may say no to text messages or decide that if he calls, you’ll only pick up during the day,” he says. “But don’t be insensitive. Be aware of the injury your partner will sustain once you leave.”

The narcissist who won’t let you go

If you were dating a narcissist, chances that he may try to manipulate you back. Dr. Chris Hart, a psychologist and the author of Single & Searching, says that relationships that involve narcissists are some of the most difficult to walk away from. This is because while in an ordinary relationship you’d break up, adjust and move on, narcissists don’t get over it. After deciding that leaving is your best option, you must end the relationship without remorse or second thoughts. “Since a narcissist has no empathy, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain of your broken relationship!” says Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide. In most cases, the after-math of your break up will be characterised with unwanted contacts and manipulations. “They will try to contact you not because they really want you, but because you’ve cut off their narcissistic supply and they want it back! Block their numbers or even negotiators. Have their email messages go directly to your junk folder,” says Stephanie Sarkis, the author Making the Grade with ADD.

Feelings of guilt

Guilt is often inevitable especially if your ex or yourself lays blame on you. But Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, the author of Think Forward to Thrive says that there is no shame in quitting a relationship that has zero or very little benefits to you. “Leaving might be painful, but staying should not be substituted with your self-respect, dignity, physical, emotional and mental well-being,” she says.