The rise of single blended families

WInnie Atieno is a single mother of two children aged eight and five respectively and born from different fathers. Her first and second relationships had all ended in heartbreak.

As she shopped for baby clothes, stashed parenting magazines, and attended prenatal clinics alone, she swore that the baby chapter was closed. Five years later, she is feeling broody.

"I transitioned from a full-time job to Flexi working hours and also got into a new relationship. That came with another push. For the last six months, I have had fierce baby fevers. I ask myself, "Is this crazy?"

What overwhelms, 34-year-old Winnie, is not the financial implications but the prospect of raising another child in an already blended family set up.

"I desired to have three children," the woman who works as a clerk, says.

When she thought about having a second baby, she opened up to a friend and she was quick to advise Winnie that she should wait to have a "regular baby." A casual remark that carries a weighty judgment and has stayed with her since. "Now that I am desiring for another child, her words keep replaying on my mind," Winnie says.

The catch-22

It's a dilemma faced by many single mothers.

Family life is changing. Single-parent households are on the rise as divorce, remarriage and cohabitation take root. Today, there is no typical mother. As more women get more educated and exposed, advance their careers, and make more money, they are letting go of the traditional mindset of what constitutes a nuclear family. Besides, many women are leaving unstable relationships, marred by violence and abuse, to chart their own paths.

But single motherhood comes with a moral tag—especially one where the baby daddies are different.

The irresponsibility card gets thrown at her as she is branded dangerous to the general order of things. In most Kenyan communities, when a woman has a child out of wedlock, there is an expectation that she is going to stop there, or she will get married for further procreation. "Maybe, things didn't go well with the partner they say or "she was novel at these things," Winnie observes. "She has learnt her lesson," they say.

In the worst-case scenario, the advice to single mothers who want to add on to their offspring is they should court their exes so that the babies can come from the same source.

"Then, you have a second child and the compliments are followed with questions, "where is the father? or "who is he?" Others will say, "Oh, I didn't know you got married?" Winnie opines.

Sign of rebellion

When Dorcas Njeri, a single mother of two showed up to her mother's door pregnant, she received an unwelcoming reception.

"When my mother saw me, she let out a shrill. My previous partner is a married man so she thought me a homewrecker for getting back with my ex knowing that he was a married man," 35-year-old, Dorcas says.

Dorcas wishes she wasn't as honest with her mother.

"When I told her that he was not the father to my baby, she poked at my morals. I had become a loose woman, she said, and I was too rebellious," Dorcas, who runs a beauty parlour in Thika, shares.

Her firstborn is eight and second born is now four, and she confesses she had not given thought to a future where she would raise two children alone, let alone from different daddies.

"The two fathers are present in their lives and at first, it was very tough because they don't get along. If one heard that the other had taken both kids out for a lunch treat that would be a problem. However, we are gradually learning how to work it out," says Dorcas.

The blended family is not a new phenomenon in Kenya. Many people, including notable personalities, are in such family units. A blended family consists of a couple, their children, and those they have had in previous relationships. Sometimes, their ex-partners are in the picture, other times there are not. In Kenya, there is even a network called Blended Families Network that helps shed light on how to navigate such unions.

Recent findings

A 2012 pan- African study by two Canadian sociologists revealed that Kenya has one of the highest numbers of children born out of wedlock on the continent. According to the survey, a Kenyan woman has a 59.5 percent chance of being a single mother by the age of 45 either through pre-marital birth or dissolution of a union. The research also established that about 30 percent of women in Kenya are giving birth before they are married.

Figures from the Kenya Demographic Health Survey, 2014 show that the national teenage pregnancy rate was at 18 percent. Further, 15 percent of all adolescent women had given birth and those that were sexually active unmarried adolescents accounted for 49.3 percent, a potential number for single motherhood. The Kenya Integrated Household Budget Survey of 2015/16 reported that 32.4 percent of households in the country are headed by females. This means that there is a great number of women raising blended families.

While these new formations are increasingly becoming acceptable and popular, it is not easy for single women to raise children from different fathers in the same household.

The challenges

Maryanne Okumu is such a woman. She is a mother of three children born from different fathers.

"I got my first child when I was 21, then got married at 27 and got another one with my ex-husband. After three years of marriage, we parted ways. I became pregnant three years later. At the time, we were living together but four months into the pregnancy, I realised that I was making a mistake settling down with him so I called it off," Maryanne, whose children are aged 20, 13, and seven, says.

Her greatest challenge is that two of the fathers are present in their children's lives while one is not. "There are instances, like the Christmas season that my firstborn and last born will get gifts from their fathers so I have to step in for the second born," she says.

"Mum, why doesn't my father come to see me?" "Can Jack's * father be my dad?" her son asks.

mencken indent: "The questions are less frequent because my elder brother stepped in and gets him the presents. Also, one of my former partners tags him along when taking his child out and gets him presents. However, it is not easy because even with all the affirmations that I give him, he still wonders why his father is not present in his life," the 42-year-old college tutor says.

I flagged the conversation on a Facebook group for single mothers, and many were unbothered by what society thought of them and who they chose to sire their children with.

"If you can raise them well, why not? But don't struggle following two or three deadbeats for child support, you will just be blaming the society," one woman commented.

"I have two from different fathers. I parted ways with the father of my firstborn and there is no way I could have stayed with one child yet I am growing older," said yet another one.

However, even though the women were unconcerned about society's stand, they decried the harsh judgments and disapproval that they have faced.

The religious undertones

Most religious denominations not only discourage single motherhood, but they would raise eyebrows to a woman with children from different paternal backgrounds.

"The bible is very clear when it comes to this issue. When you have a child out of wedlock, you have sinned. Do we shun these women away? No. If anything, when they come to us, we embrace their situation, request that they ask for repentance, and guide them on a journey in pursuit of righteousness. If they want to grow their family, we advise that they adopt or wait until they are in a marriage set up," Reverend George Wanjohi, Redeemed Gospel Church.

According to Isaac Maweu, who doubles as a psychologist and sociologist says that as a society, it is time that we appreciated such a family structure.

"This is a unique family structure. Not that such families don't exist but we rarely talk about blended families in the same household. Parenting such a family may be more challenging but with the help of a family therapist and a good support system, then it would be easier to navigate," Maweu says.

How to balance it out

He advises mothers to unify the children such that, even though they are born of different fathers, they know they are brothers and sisters.

"No child should feel better than the other or be discriminated against. I have heard and interacted with women who have managed to negotiate with the present father to show love to all children," Maweu, says.

What about school? How do you make your three-year-old mind process his family situation in a sea of heterosexual families?

"We've talked about how there are all different kinds of families, but his world does not reflect that conversation. When it's time to put cutout silhouettes of family members on the wall, the other children in Leo's pre-school class put two parents and two, sometimes three children. Leo puts cutouts of himself, his sister, me, his father, his sister's father, and his beloved babysitter, who has been with us since his sister was born 10 years ago. His teacher told me that when he did this, the other children started clamouring, 'Wait, my babysitter is my family, too.' 'What about my grandfather? He takes care of me twice a week.' Perhaps it's good to lead from the front," writes Katie Roiphe, a Guardian writer, who has two children from different dads, in a 2013, article.

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