There is more to sex than just penetration

You can be sexually active today but you never know about tomorrow. Maybe we should all equip ourselves for any eventuality.

These are the thoughts that ran through my mind as Jane narrated the story of how her life had changed all of a sudden. Her husband could not get an erection anymore.

They had been in marriage for 10 years and life was getting exciting by the day. They both worked hard to make the marriage exciting. They attended marriage seminars, read books on intimacy and even watched tapes on how to be good in bed.

“We learnt very early in our marriage that sexual satisfaction cannot be substituted by anything else and so we dedicated time to learn and practice new things. We tried out fantasies and I can assure you it was always great fun.” Jane explained.

But as fate would have it, John got involved in a road accident. He escaped death by a whisker but got an injury of the spinal cord which left him paralysed from his waist down. He was incontinent of urine and was put on a urinary catheter. Penetrative sex was out of the question.

“Lots of thoughts have crossed my mind,” Jane said when she visited the clinic for the first time.

“I could get another man on the side to satisfy my sexual needs but still nurse my husband. I could divorce him altogether and remarry, or I could try living without sex although I find this impossible at my age.”

She was 30 years old.

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The thought of abandoning the man made her shudder. She thought it would be an inhumane act to divorce a loving husband simply because sex was no longer possible. She walked into the sexology clinic devastated and confused about her situation.

“But you can still have sex with your husband even if he is paralysed!” I interrupted.

She frowned and shook her head, a tear rolling down her cheeks.

“You do not understand, it is not possible, he is dead flat down his waist, totally flat doctor!” She said.

Then I remembered that Jane, like many of my clients, took sex to mean penetrative intercourse, a definition that has been overtaken by time.

Look at it this way: There are many people who have diabetes and who can no longer get erections.

There are others who are on treatment for chronic ailments such as hypertension and using medicines which knock out erection.

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Still, some men are too busy for life and come each day worn out and with no energy for sex. Having erections under such circumstances is a pipe dream.

Lack of erections, with its many causes, should not deal a death knell to active sex life.

There are two myths about sex that must be done away with if everyone, whether having erections or otherwise, is to enjoy sex.

First, penetration is only a small event in sexual engagement, not the ultimate end. Second, penetration does not have to happen for sex to be complete.

Sex is about pleasuring your spouse. People get pleasure from all manner of intimate acts. For some, just holding each other is good enough. Others enjoy the kiss. Others fondle in many other ways including stimulating erotic areas of the body with their hands or lips.

Many a woman out there get orgasm without penetrative sex and are sexually satisfied. If you are a man with no erections or a woman whose manhood has gone flat all that you need is to think out of the box, step back and enjoy the pleasures of other sensual activities.

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Whenever I hear of couples separating or divorcing because the erection is weak or absent, I get the grim reminder of the deficiency of sexual skills that is so prevalent in our communities.

There is more to sex than two or three minutes of penetrative sex. It is actually this belief in penetration by some men that leaves many women frustrated in a sexual act.

While many women want to delay penetration and enjoy foreplay, the man who believes that penetration is king rushes into it, sometimes causing pain and leaving the woman annoyed and frustrated.

Remember that many women get orgasm through clitorial stimulation by whatever means rather than through penetrative sex. Unless the sole purpose of your sexual encounter is to cause pregnancy, you must be slow to penetrate or even do without it sometimes if circumstances are not favourable.

“I hear you even though I really do not know how to adopt this new focus to sex. I am not used to it.” Jane said.

Sexual skills, for sure, are not universal and so I put Jane and her husband on a sex coaching programme to master the new art.

Three months later they were back on their feet and consummating their marriage, the man still paralysed and on a urinary catheter.