Think you couldn't be duped by a love swindler? Think again

Anywhere you turn online lately, there’s a dumpster fire. Last week, it was our local Tinder Swindler. Did you read that story? This guy was dating 25 different women at the same time! All the while seeing them relatively often, sending them birthday messages and presents, having them visit him while hiding the other women’s cars in the basement…and borrowing money from each one to pacify another. It was a crazy love polygon to try and follow. Past a certain point, it wasn’t even ‘followable.’

Swindler stories are a dime a dozen. If you’ve had the misfortune of dating in this pool, then you’ve likely been swindled a little bit. Just a touch. Unless you married your very first boyfriend, which might be a swindle in itself. I kid! I do wonder, though, at the reactions some people are having to these swindlers. First of all, for this supposed church boy who was promising women suns moons and stars, the mention of solar systems was a red flag immediately. But for those of us who know better, we know the lengths women are willing to do for love.

And that’s the real irony here. We were all reading the Twitter thread and saying that the red (burgundy?) flags were obvious. But how many of us, in those situations, saw the red flags immediately? It’s so easy to say, before you meet someone you fall in love with, that you will never, ever, EVER, give a man money. Most women – most of my girlfriends, most of my WhatsApp groups – have that rule. But when you fall in love and his forehead kisses make common sense leave your body, you will lend this man the money he needs for this business that he is sure is going to double your money in two weeks. We have these rules that we announce with bravado before the relationship – and then love comes to us, and all the rules fly out the window.

It sounds foolish when you look back. But at the time, we were deeply in love! We thought we were giving money to our life partner, who adored us – or had love-bombed us for so long, that we truly did think it was love. And is it so terrible to believe in happily ever after? Isn’t that what we’re all hoping for when we’re watching Disney and formulaic rom-coms? Sure, when he introduces you to his homies, it feels a bit quick, but they’re all so nice…sure, when you’re staying up talking about your children, he hasn’t returned the money that he was supposed to have returned last week, but his friend (who you met last week also) has assured you that it’s coming. It’s a web that they weave when they conspire to deceive.

There’s also the school of thought that says these women get everything they deserve, for being so gullible. But no one deserves to be conned. Especially not for believing in the relationship enough to try and sustain and deepen it. It feels like we’re getting punished for having hope and faith. Then we get burnt, because people will make all these unsustainable rules. Then we dump those rules. Then we’re dumped. The cycle begins again.

I’m a tentative hopeless romantic. I’m one of those ones who’ve been bruised enough to recognise the bull as it comes, but idealistic enough to hope that it won’t be bull this time. Would I give money to someone I was with, again? Probably. Do I think it’s a bad idea? I’m sure it is, and I’m sure that there’s some gender war vs independence argument that can support that. Do I think that partnerships should be more honest and transparent – that if your partner can’t ask you for money then what’s the point? 100 percent. If we are indeed being punished for hope, then that is the price to play. If love is wrong, then I’m not sure I want to be right…

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